Month: August 2003

Dear Inner Self:

I’ve noticed much confusion lately, I’m not sure whether it’s a result of you taking time off, or whether it’s a result of me not focusing enough. However, during the time you’ve been on vacation, I’ve noticed that I’m quick to anger, quick to be irrational, lazy, and not really focusing on anything. I would love to know your thoughts on what might be my issue, because I can’t quite get a grasp on it. I meditated today, and then shortly after I went through a slight bout with an amount of rage I couldn’t quantify or qualify. There wasn’t really a reason to be yelling, screaming, or crying at the fact I couldn’t accomplish something the way I wanted to, because I couldn’t move an inanimate object. I really don’t get what’s going on. I’ve also noticed that I’m pretty scattered when driving, not that I’m not paying attention, but that I’m not paying as much attention as I used to. The main issue is that I feel unfocused, I’m feeling the anger getting out of control in my communications with other people, the need to shut down in order to control that anger and the fact that most of it is pretty pointless stuff. The source of these emotions are absolutely irrational and unprovoked, they’re also directed at things that aren’t the sources. There’s just this need to lash out, scream, bite, kick, scratch, yell, punch at everything that is close to me. Could you help me shed any light on this? Where is all this anger coming from? I honestly don’t see the point of any of these feelings I’m having. Could it be from feeling helpless? Feeling dependent? Or from feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything yet? I have my goals, but every step towards them feels like they are taking and even bigger step away from me. Keeping out of my reach. Could it be because I feel slightly unfulfilled in several realms, or that I’m not filling the needs of others the way I should be? What is it? I don’t like the fact that my expression of things gives the impression that it’s someone else’s responsibility (least, that’s what I’m told) or that they are stemming from something someone else does. I honestly don’t believe that is the problem. I’m really thinking that they are internal, but I can’t grab at them to fix them. I started meditating again, but during those times, I just turn off, no answers can be found, even when I go searching for them. I try to sleep, like a computer, but that’s all I do, just the screensaver shows up and nothing happens. I’m trying to work on these things, really, I am, but I guess what I’m doing just isn’t working and I was wondering if you could help or offer some suggestions to try.

Sincerely,
Conscious Self.

I have discovered one of my problems. In trying to fix my cat shelf, so that the padding doesn’t come off, I spent 15 worthless minutes fighting with the tool chest – that has wheels for a reason – to get it out of the closet. Needless to say, I wasn’t able to get it out and the drawers are faced so that you have to pull the bloody thing out to get to any of them. So what’s my issue? I feel helpless in my own house to fix anything or do any sort of project that might require the use of any tool that might be in that chest. I can’t pick it up out of the closet because it’s too heavy, and I can’t pull it out because the closet floor is lower than the room floor and requires a ramp to be installed there. I recall at one point, before we were even together, my partner jokingly saying that I needed a guy to fix things and to get things I couldn’t. That is utter bullshit. If I am forced to rely on myself, I’m perfectly capable of doing anything necessary and learning anything necessary to do what I need to do. I don’t need anyone to do anything for me. My problem is when I’m forced into that situation because someone, whether knowingly or not, put obstacles in my way that I can’t overcome (e.g. see previous story about the fucking tool chest with wheels). It is because of that, that my meditative state went from nice and calm to screaming, crying and almost throwing things. Granted, I was meditating on the Morrigan, so there’s a good chance this was a good example of what I came away with. However, it still pisses me off that I have these projects that need to get done in this place and I can’t get them done because I can’t get to anything that would allow this. Men, sometimes you can fuck them, and sometimes you can just fuck it.

I’m being lazy this week. I really shouldn’t, but I feel the need to. The rest of this afternoon, I’m planning to meditate, I’ve been planning on doing that, but I’ve never gotten around to it and I need to quit avoiding it. I’m not sure what is going on inside of me, I know I can’t go out because if I do, I’ll go shopping and right now I’m saving up for a pair of boots, and this month is going to be expensive for me. I’ve got my IRA contribution coming up, then I’ve got a couple of concerts I’ve already paid for. Ozzfest won’t need additional money outside of water money. ProgPower is a different story, I know I’m going to want lots of money to spend there. Camping, I doubt I will feel the need to spend money because most of my reason for going to festivals is to meet the people, just be out in the middle of no where, and to go to some of the workshops they have during the weekend. I’m not sure what’s getting into me, it’s not that I feel lazy, it’s that I feel I’m neglecting myself and that I haven’t figured out what part of me I’m neglecting. After meditation, it’s a reading hour again, I would love to do that outside, but the fucking mosquitos are being a bitch lately. Ya know, from the sounds of it, it’s sunny in England now, maybe I’ll move there if the rainy season is going to move here.

The world is a wonderful place, and Sir I. Newton was wonderful for noticing….

Word has gotten to me that my ex-fiance had to spend a few nights in jail for putting his fists where they shouldn’t have been. I’m hoping a prosecution follows, as I will definitely be in that courtroom when it happens. I want to see him burn for what he did, as it has finally caught up with him. Hell, I’d happily testify. Moral of the story? Never take out what you can’t put back in because you will get your ass kicked, in some manner. (Note: this is not a moralizing of the law of 3, imo, that is utter nonsense – it’s a validation of Newton’s 2 or 3rd law of motion). Anyway, my hip is healing fine.

Scorpio:

“In 1914, the science magazine Nature found that 30 percent of the world’s top scientists believed in God. In a second survey in 1934, the number dropped to 15 percent, and by 1998 it was seven percent. From these data, we can speculate that it’s getting harder for smart intellectuals to commune with the Divine Wow the way we smart mystics do. That’s a damn shame. Luckily for you, though, Scorpio, you’re now in an unusual phase in which there’s no contradiction between cultivating both rigorous critical thinking and an intimate relationship with the nine-tenths of reality that is hidden from our five senses.”

Compliments

Resume turned in, now the waiting period. Apparently, I picked a good time to turn one in because several of the instructors are cutting back their hours. *fingers crossed*

In other realms, a guy in one of the communities here posted a statement about relationships, stating that being monogamous or polyamorous is a preference, no one IS one or the other. Now, my take on things is that we are. I can speak for me in stating that I am the sum of all my parts, regardless of their quantity. And one of my parts is that I am not monogamous, not that I prefer having relationships with multiple partners, but that I don’t function in single partner relationships for extended periods of time (I tried it, didn’t work). I can handle the first year pretty well, and stay with one person. In fact, I prefer that to give time to solidify the relationship itself. However, if I end up meeting someone after that, and I fall for them, well then I fall for them. I tend to stay away from situations where I might meet someone I’m interested in during the first year. Ok, I have no clue where I’m going with this. I guess, maybe, I’m trying to figure out what makes me tick. All I know, for certain, is that I don’t function well in strictly mono relationships. I respect them, and have no issue with people that can be in them, but it’s just not something I can pull off. I’ve found, that if I become attracted to someone to the point I wish to pursue it, and feelings are mutual, I have issues in maintaining the status quo. The last major monogamous relationship I was in (2+ years), was a big eye-opener for me. I met two guys I was attracted to during that time, one of them ended up running by the wayside because he couldn’t handle it, and the other one I ended up in a side-relationship with (no regrets). Now, maybe it was just the level of possessiveness that my partner at the time had (long-distance relationship=chastity belt for me), in that if I was out with friends, they’d better be female. When he came to visit, I introduced the first guy to him, and that night was a long discussion about how “I didn’t love him anymore” because he noticed the way my eyes lit up when I saw him (the whole new shiny thing concept) even though the two of us had decided to keep it a platonic friendship and let our relationship grow that way. So that resulted in the unsaid rule of no physical or emotional relationship with a guy for me – aka no male friends. Slowly the world encroached around me, and I ended up going elsewhere. Specifically to get out of that relationship, but more importantly, to gain my freedom. Apparently I didn’t learn very well, because I placed myself right back into that position, with a different twist. This time around it was passive emotional control. Thankfully, that didn’t last long and I started paying more attention to my needs and finding partners who were more in line with what I needed to get for myself. They have allowed me the space to grow, and the space to find myself, and the space to express myself in the manner which I need to. It has been a wonderful experience to be able to go places without restriction and feel what I feel and know that I am feeling it. It’s tough to be around, watching how my partners have reacted and being pleasantly surprised in their reactions and their ability to be non-judgemental. I honestly don’t know how they have done it, how they have been themselves around me. Though, I have realized the need to continue to express my love for my current partner, make him feel special to me, and let him know that my feelings for him are in no way diminished through my feelings for someone else. It’s difficult explaining how the different parts of me are filled in different ways. It’s difficult explaining that, because I have these feelings, that he is not, in anyway less of a lover to me. This is what I am, and how I tick, as my therapist has said – there is no one person who can completely fulfill the needs of another person. That’s why we develop friendships and relationships with other people who share the different interests we have. Love knows no boundaries, and it knows no form, it is amorphous. Trying to contain it and place restrictions on it only causes suffering.

I watched the most gorgeous lightening show tonight over Kennesaw, and as discussion ended the wind began to blow the most comforting and loving breeze I’ve felt in a long time. It called me to sit and absorb, something I haven’t done in a while, everything it could give. And I have come away in peace. It was amazing. There are no other words to describe it.

In other, other news, I’m almost done with another CD compilation that may or may not be heard. I have one thing to fix tomorrow and it will be completely done. I’m quite happy with it, because it gives me something that allows me to go inside myself for over an hour and explore all the sadness that resides at my core.

I’m almost done reading my book on shape-shifting. It had an interesting concept in there today, which I absolutely adore, and goes with the borderline suicidal thoughts I’ve been having. “Death is a shape-shift.” Wonderful concept.

On that note, I also made a formal declaration that I am a daughter of the Morrigu (among other gods), but she is one that I’m planning on meditating on in the coming months. I believe that was on the wind tonight. It’s always been there, in my face. In fact, she was one of the deities I requested blessings from several years ago, sitting in that labyrinth, escaping the spanking (literally) of the Clueless Wunderkind.

I’m awaking to that which is in me, and I seek to revel in it. It is beautiful. That darkness, inside, is comfort, it is knowledge, it is love, it is rage, it is sadness, but it is me. It is time to open up to me and display what I am.

My music is going to be great, I see it already and I am willing to envelop myself in it. Beware.

Hehe, managed to pleasantly surprise the cashier at the grocery store. I was wearing my Ganesha shirt and was able to answer most of her questions about why I was wearing it, including a list of various Hindu god/ddes/s that I know. My Scotsman thinks she was a bit shocked that a pasty white European girl was able to answer her questions. I can respect that, especially given the number of people around here who wear stuff because it looks cool. Work Bitch is one of them, but at least she admits it. I don’t know, it’s something about many americans I come into contact with – around here – that are completely culturally unaware, that makes me ill. I guess that’s why I take my weekly yoga class where I do, I can’t stand most of the studios around here where the instructor might have a grasp on what the purpose of yoga is, but most of the students don’t, and don’t care to learn. They just want a sweatless means of exercising so they don’t smear the eyeliner. Can we tell that I definitely have issues? Anyway, my yoga practice this week has been a bit curtailed. I think I actually managed to snap my Biceps Femoris (main hamstring muscle) back into place. It’s either that one or my IT band, though, I’m more sure of it being my IT band, given that the pain and tension is up in my hip. Of course, this is probably because my hip is now over-compensating for the fact that my Ileo-psoas and my Rectus Femoris aren’t relaxing either (Oh yes, I’m enjoying the use of my anatomical vocab, at the moment *eg*). I don’t know, either way, my right side is a bit hectic and hopefully I can get in to see my therapist next week to help relieve some of the tension/pain.

Contrary to the impression that I can give off, occassionally, I’m a pretty shy person. Getting up in front of a room full of people, regardless how long and well I know them, is a huge step in the world of me. I usually don’t do it. In college I’d turn a bright red shade just by making the choice to ask a question. I found it easier to show up at poetry slams dressed as a made up character (aka freakchylde) so that it wasn’t actually me that was speaking and performing, but freakchylde doing everything. I took my communications 101 for the point of learning to be me in front of a group. For all my “I’m a goddess” thought and belief, I’m extremely humble to the fact that I’m not perfect, and even self-conscious, even thought I might not state it. So, last night, me as me, got up in front of 14 people, most of whom I’ve known ever since I moved down here, and recited the Tale of Lugh and the Battle of Moy Tura, from memory, and me speaking not freakchylde. In my mind, I had the perfect story made up, but it didn’t come out that way. I’m not disappointed in my performace, because the fact I was able to speak at all was a triumph for me. In my mailbox tonight, were several congratulations from members of my spiritual family, including the ones that heard the news on the winds. Now, for the most part, I usually don’t look to others to stroke me ego, or self-esteem, but those emails meant so much to me. Not only because I have to prove myself by what I do (I’m still a dedicant, novice if that’s a better understanding), but because it shows I’ve gained respect from them, and that they can see my potential and recognize it as such. Which, for me, gives me another reason to continue to where I’d like to be. More often than not, I’ve found that proving someone wrong was my main drive, but I’m no longer in a position where I can do that. I’ve had to find other methods to drive myself, and in this realm, I’ve found my reason and it’s a long-time in coming to the realization that it’s not always a matter of proving someone wrong, as much as it’s proving myself wrong. I can do these things, I just need to start believing I can, and last night I proved myself wrong.