Day: August 8, 2003

Ok, I just saw the coolest thing on TV. Michael Huffington, former senator of California, corrected an article stating he was openly gay, by saying “No, I’m bisexual. I love women….but I also love men.” on national TV!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rock on.

Dear Inner Self:

I’ve noticed much confusion lately, I’m not sure whether it’s a result of you taking time off, or whether it’s a result of me not focusing enough. However, during the time you’ve been on vacation, I’ve noticed that I’m quick to anger, quick to be irrational, lazy, and not really focusing on anything. I would love to know your thoughts on what might be my issue, because I can’t quite get a grasp on it. I meditated today, and then shortly after I went through a slight bout with an amount of rage I couldn’t quantify or qualify. There wasn’t really a reason to be yelling, screaming, or crying at the fact I couldn’t accomplish something the way I wanted to, because I couldn’t move an inanimate object. I really don’t get what’s going on. I’ve also noticed that I’m pretty scattered when driving, not that I’m not paying attention, but that I’m not paying as much attention as I used to. The main issue is that I feel unfocused, I’m feeling the anger getting out of control in my communications with other people, the need to shut down in order to control that anger and the fact that most of it is pretty pointless stuff. The source of these emotions are absolutely irrational and unprovoked, they’re also directed at things that aren’t the sources. There’s just this need to lash out, scream, bite, kick, scratch, yell, punch at everything that is close to me. Could you help me shed any light on this? Where is all this anger coming from? I honestly don’t see the point of any of these feelings I’m having. Could it be from feeling helpless? Feeling dependent? Or from feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything yet? I have my goals, but every step towards them feels like they are taking and even bigger step away from me. Keeping out of my reach. Could it be because I feel slightly unfulfilled in several realms, or that I’m not filling the needs of others the way I should be? What is it? I don’t like the fact that my expression of things gives the impression that it’s someone else’s responsibility (least, that’s what I’m told) or that they are stemming from something someone else does. I honestly don’t believe that is the problem. I’m really thinking that they are internal, but I can’t grab at them to fix them. I started meditating again, but during those times, I just turn off, no answers can be found, even when I go searching for them. I try to sleep, like a computer, but that’s all I do, just the screensaver shows up and nothing happens. I’m trying to work on these things, really, I am, but I guess what I’m doing just isn’t working and I was wondering if you could help or offer some suggestions to try.

Sincerely,
Conscious Self.

I have discovered one of my problems. In trying to fix my cat shelf, so that the padding doesn’t come off, I spent 15 worthless minutes fighting with the tool chest – that has wheels for a reason – to get it out of the closet. Needless to say, I wasn’t able to get it out and the drawers are faced so that you have to pull the bloody thing out to get to any of them. So what’s my issue? I feel helpless in my own house to fix anything or do any sort of project that might require the use of any tool that might be in that chest. I can’t pick it up out of the closet because it’s too heavy, and I can’t pull it out because the closet floor is lower than the room floor and requires a ramp to be installed there. I recall at one point, before we were even together, my partner jokingly saying that I needed a guy to fix things and to get things I couldn’t. That is utter bullshit. If I am forced to rely on myself, I’m perfectly capable of doing anything necessary and learning anything necessary to do what I need to do. I don’t need anyone to do anything for me. My problem is when I’m forced into that situation because someone, whether knowingly or not, put obstacles in my way that I can’t overcome (e.g. see previous story about the fucking tool chest with wheels). It is because of that, that my meditative state went from nice and calm to screaming, crying and almost throwing things. Granted, I was meditating on the Morrigan, so there’s a good chance this was a good example of what I came away with. However, it still pisses me off that I have these projects that need to get done in this place and I can’t get them done because I can’t get to anything that would allow this. Men, sometimes you can fuck them, and sometimes you can just fuck it.

I’m being lazy this week. I really shouldn’t, but I feel the need to. The rest of this afternoon, I’m planning to meditate, I’ve been planning on doing that, but I’ve never gotten around to it and I need to quit avoiding it. I’m not sure what is going on inside of me, I know I can’t go out because if I do, I’ll go shopping and right now I’m saving up for a pair of boots, and this month is going to be expensive for me. I’ve got my IRA contribution coming up, then I’ve got a couple of concerts I’ve already paid for. Ozzfest won’t need additional money outside of water money. ProgPower is a different story, I know I’m going to want lots of money to spend there. Camping, I doubt I will feel the need to spend money because most of my reason for going to festivals is to meet the people, just be out in the middle of no where, and to go to some of the workshops they have during the weekend. I’m not sure what’s getting into me, it’s not that I feel lazy, it’s that I feel I’m neglecting myself and that I haven’t figured out what part of me I’m neglecting. After meditation, it’s a reading hour again, I would love to do that outside, but the fucking mosquitos are being a bitch lately. Ya know, from the sounds of it, it’s sunny in England now, maybe I’ll move there if the rainy season is going to move here.