Day: August 12, 2003

I chatted with my dad today. He was pissed that I want to watch that ‘son of a bitch’ fry in a courtroom. According to him, I should chalk my relationship with him up to experience, and nothing that happened didn’t happen without my consent. I can forgive the comment, based on the fact that I never told my dad about the attempt at breaking my leg by twisting it, the times he held me on the ground and put his entire body weight on my chest so I couldn’t breathe, the dental impressions embedded in my left arm where I was bitten so hard that my entire upper arm was bruised when the skin relaxed enough to return to it’s extended state, or the time he choked me after I slapped him upside the head for sitting on my chest, again. My dad also doesn’t know about all the emotional trauma I was put through, the whole “My god, do you ever stop eating? You’re such a pig.” or the trips we went on, where if I got hungry, he wouldn’t stop, he’d just keep driving and tell me I needed to lose weight. WTF, I weigh at the bottom of the healthy projected weight for my body type. Anyway, the whole thing was irritating me because my dad doesn’t believe in closure, he doesn’t believe in those ‘buzzwords’ people like to talk about. He thinks they should be embedded as deep as possible in the human psyche so they can jump out at a later time and beat the crap out of someone else. I believe the opposite. When I just let things sit and fester, that’s what they did. The anger just continued to build and I began lashing out at anyone that was close enough to suffer. I’ve still got my habits that I’m working through, and my thought processes that need to be re-wired and the fact that my dad thinks that anything that happened was because I consented to it. And once he was cool with the fact that things happened that he didn’t know about, he decided it was time to joke around, break the tension, and that is even more irritating. I have things to work through, they are things that are not going to go away and I would prefer to not carry them around as baggage for the rest of my life. That baggage has gotten so heavy lately, that I really need to dump some, and the situation has provided itself and I’d like to take advantage of it. Can I really be faulted for that? I remember, when my cousin went through her first divorce, my gram (dad’s mum) commented that it was my cousin’s lot in life to not be happy and she should deal with it – to my cousin. Everyone, including my dad, was irritated at that comment. But at the same time, that is basically similar to what my father is telling me. I suffered, I need to carry that around for the rest of my life because it was the experience and because of that, I need to continue to suffer until I can bury it underneath every other life experience that comes after it, and any other suffering I might have as a result of all that. What bullshit. Oh yeah, he suggested counselling, funny. He got pissed when I dragged him into my therapist’s office for his own little counselling session with him. Bastard.

I now remember why I was screaming about how much I hate this house, last week. I hate the fact I can be sitting, watching t.v., and have a spider land on my face. I hate the fact that, instead of cleaning dust out of my computers, I clean spiderwebs and spider lunch out of them. I love wood floors in houses, I love the feel of old houses, but I hate the fact that within a week, it can look like it hasn’t been lived in for years because of the fucking spiders!!!!!!!

I’ve succeeded in sleeping till past noon. I really need to fix my sleep schedule because even when I’m dead tired, I still can’t get to sleep till around midnight. So I spend the days I have to get up early sluggishly walking around the store looking like the walking zombie. And now I have a headache, in search of caffeine. Ugh, I’m sluggy, I hate this, I really hate this. La la lalalalala la. I’m not sure where I am, where I’m going, what I’m doing. I’d love to start doing volunteer work, I’d love that, I need to find a gymnastics center around here so I can see about potentially coaching. It’s something I love doing, and the rush is running again. I also need to run by and get all my paperwork taken care of for my business. That, I should be able to take care of on Thursday when I get my paycheck. I know what it is, it’s the fact that I get up at noon on my days off and laze around. I can’t start doing any vestige of serious work-outs yet, till my hip is back up and running at 100%. And I’m rambling out of my ass again. Maybe I’ll just go back to sleep.