Day: August 17, 2003

Ok, so I probably need to quantify that last entry….

The book on shapeshifting I’ve been reading. I finished it, and actually had a buzz that lasted. Anyway, the writer of the book is part of this organization (Dream Changers), which does the things that I’ve been wanting to do for years, but always figured them for flights of fantasy. As I don’t have money for any of the overseas travel right now, I’m contemplating signing up for a couple of the local workshops and seeing where they take me. One of the things that I’ve always looked for, was a means to sustain myself while immersing myself in my spirituality. Gaining my CMT was a step towards that goal, this book falling in my lap is another stone in that path. But, even if I don’t get that far, I’ve had an absolute moment of clarity, which pulled together so many aspects of my life that never clicked till tonight. I guess this could be what Erynn referred to as the Imbas flood (not in those words). Needless to say, the first thing that came to my mind, was my gram asking me, “You’re filled with such hatred. Why?” I’ve never been able to answer that question, and as I thought about it, I thought about my school pictures. In kindergarten, every single picture you see me in, has me with a huge grin on my face. As the years progress, the smile fades and is slowly replaced by a plaster image to pacify the photographer and my parents. My gram was right. I have been filled with an unnamed hatred for years. I’ve always figured it was just me rebelling against my parents and feeling stiffled by what I viewed as their desires for me, and the fact that I don’t look like the daughter they wanted, and I don’t have the job I thought they wanted for me. But it’s not that! It’s the fact that for most of my life, I’ve been trying to control my environment through my perceptions and ideals, which I hold everyone up to. The fact that most people fail, and I don’t want them to, is what has caused the anger because I don’t let people be. Granted, I’m not expecting myself to suddenly embrace every ignorant person, but I can see myself being more permissive with the people who, honestly, just don’t have a clue but are seeking to find it. The people who refuse to get the clue hitting their forehead will probably continue to find my wrath. *eg* But for the first time, I am completely at ease with myself and confident in the fact that I will attain my goals, I will be successful with their attainment, and I will be able to run around and do what I’ve always wanted to do, deep down inside, become connected to the outlet I came unplugged from.