Day: August 1, 2003

Contrary to the impression that I can give off, occassionally, I’m a pretty shy person. Getting up in front of a room full of people, regardless how long and well I know them, is a huge step in the world of me. I usually don’t do it. In college I’d turn a bright red shade just by making the choice to ask a question. I found it easier to show up at poetry slams dressed as a made up character (aka freakchylde) so that it wasn’t actually me that was speaking and performing, but freakchylde doing everything. I took my communications 101 for the point of learning to be me in front of a group. For all my “I’m a goddess” thought and belief, I’m extremely humble to the fact that I’m not perfect, and even self-conscious, even thought I might not state it. So, last night, me as me, got up in front of 14 people, most of whom I’ve known ever since I moved down here, and recited the Tale of Lugh and the Battle of Moy Tura, from memory, and me speaking not freakchylde. In my mind, I had the perfect story made up, but it didn’t come out that way. I’m not disappointed in my performace, because the fact I was able to speak at all was a triumph for me. In my mailbox tonight, were several congratulations from members of my spiritual family, including the ones that heard the news on the winds. Now, for the most part, I usually don’t look to others to stroke me ego, or self-esteem, but those emails meant so much to me. Not only because I have to prove myself by what I do (I’m still a dedicant, novice if that’s a better understanding), but because it shows I’ve gained respect from them, and that they can see my potential and recognize it as such. Which, for me, gives me another reason to continue to where I’d like to be. More often than not, I’ve found that proving someone wrong was my main drive, but I’m no longer in a position where I can do that. I’ve had to find other methods to drive myself, and in this realm, I’ve found my reason and it’s a long-time in coming to the realization that it’s not always a matter of proving someone wrong, as much as it’s proving myself wrong. I can do these things, I just need to start believing I can, and last night I proved myself wrong.


Scorpio for the week of July 31, 2003:

“In a study of modern democracy, a British political scientist has concluded that lying is necessary and justifiable. “Politics should be regarded as less like an exercise in producing truthful statements and more like a poker game,” said Glen Newey. “And there is an expectation by a poker player that you try to deceive them as part of the game.” Personally, I find this attitude distasteful. My policy is to never be dishonest if I can help it. But then I have the luxury to live like that. As a self-employed poet, I don’t have to hash out compromises with ideological adversaries or hang out in moral gray areas in order to serve a greater good. But your path may be different, Scorpio. In August, you might have to lie a little as you fight for a noble cause.”

Compliments of FreeWill Astrology