Resume turned in, now the waiting period. Apparently, I picked a good time to turn one in because several of the instructors are cutting back their hours. *fingers crossed*
In other realms, a guy in one of the communities here posted a statement about relationships, stating that being monogamous or polyamorous is a preference, no one IS one or the other. Now, my take on things is that we are. I can speak for me in stating that I am the sum of all my parts, regardless of their quantity. And one of my parts is that I am not monogamous, not that I prefer having relationships with multiple partners, but that I don’t function in single partner relationships for extended periods of time (I tried it, didn’t work). I can handle the first year pretty well, and stay with one person. In fact, I prefer that to give time to solidify the relationship itself. However, if I end up meeting someone after that, and I fall for them, well then I fall for them. I tend to stay away from situations where I might meet someone I’m interested in during the first year. Ok, I have no clue where I’m going with this. I guess, maybe, I’m trying to figure out what makes me tick. All I know, for certain, is that I don’t function well in strictly mono relationships. I respect them, and have no issue with people that can be in them, but it’s just not something I can pull off. I’ve found, that if I become attracted to someone to the point I wish to pursue it, and feelings are mutual, I have issues in maintaining the status quo. The last major monogamous relationship I was in (2+ years), was a big eye-opener for me. I met two guys I was attracted to during that time, one of them ended up running by the wayside because he couldn’t handle it, and the other one I ended up in a side-relationship with (no regrets). Now, maybe it was just the level of possessiveness that my partner at the time had (long-distance relationship=chastity belt for me), in that if I was out with friends, they’d better be female. When he came to visit, I introduced the first guy to him, and that night was a long discussion about how “I didn’t love him anymore” because he noticed the way my eyes lit up when I saw him (the whole new shiny thing concept) even though the two of us had decided to keep it a platonic friendship and let our relationship grow that way. So that resulted in the unsaid rule of no physical or emotional relationship with a guy for me – aka no male friends. Slowly the world encroached around me, and I ended up going elsewhere. Specifically to get out of that relationship, but more importantly, to gain my freedom. Apparently I didn’t learn very well, because I placed myself right back into that position, with a different twist. This time around it was passive emotional control. Thankfully, that didn’t last long and I started paying more attention to my needs and finding partners who were more in line with what I needed to get for myself. They have allowed me the space to grow, and the space to find myself, and the space to express myself in the manner which I need to. It has been a wonderful experience to be able to go places without restriction and feel what I feel and know that I am feeling it. It’s tough to be around, watching how my partners have reacted and being pleasantly surprised in their reactions and their ability to be non-judgemental. I honestly don’t know how they have done it, how they have been themselves around me. Though, I have realized the need to continue to express my love for my current partner, make him feel special to me, and let him know that my feelings for him are in no way diminished through my feelings for someone else. It’s difficult explaining how the different parts of me are filled in different ways. It’s difficult explaining that, because I have these feelings, that he is not, in anyway less of a lover to me. This is what I am, and how I tick, as my therapist has said – there is no one person who can completely fulfill the needs of another person. That’s why we develop friendships and relationships with other people who share the different interests we have. Love knows no boundaries, and it knows no form, it is amorphous. Trying to contain it and place restrictions on it only causes suffering.