Month: August 2003

Scorpio for week of August 14th:

“After studying the cosmic omens, I realized I’d be unable to glean your oracle until I was standing on holy ground. I left immediately for Spirit Rock Meditation Center, a Buddhist sanctuary near my home. There I sought out the outdoor prayer wheel, a brightly painted wooden cylinder inscribed with noble phrases like “wise speech” and “wise intention.” Buddhists believe that when this ritual device is spun on its axis, spiritual blessings are cast in all directions. As I reached for one of the handles to give it a whirl, I spied an awesome sight: Four salamanders had arrayed themselves on the section of the wheel that read “wise livelihood.” I knew I’d found my message for you, Scorpio. This week, do everything possible to get closer to making your money by serving your highest ideals.”

Compliments of FreeWill

Funny, I planned on doing that anyway.

I chatted with my dad today. He was pissed that I want to watch that ‘son of a bitch’ fry in a courtroom. According to him, I should chalk my relationship with him up to experience, and nothing that happened didn’t happen without my consent. I can forgive the comment, based on the fact that I never told my dad about the attempt at breaking my leg by twisting it, the times he held me on the ground and put his entire body weight on my chest so I couldn’t breathe, the dental impressions embedded in my left arm where I was bitten so hard that my entire upper arm was bruised when the skin relaxed enough to return to it’s extended state, or the time he choked me after I slapped him upside the head for sitting on my chest, again. My dad also doesn’t know about all the emotional trauma I was put through, the whole “My god, do you ever stop eating? You’re such a pig.” or the trips we went on, where if I got hungry, he wouldn’t stop, he’d just keep driving and tell me I needed to lose weight. WTF, I weigh at the bottom of the healthy projected weight for my body type. Anyway, the whole thing was irritating me because my dad doesn’t believe in closure, he doesn’t believe in those ‘buzzwords’ people like to talk about. He thinks they should be embedded as deep as possible in the human psyche so they can jump out at a later time and beat the crap out of someone else. I believe the opposite. When I just let things sit and fester, that’s what they did. The anger just continued to build and I began lashing out at anyone that was close enough to suffer. I’ve still got my habits that I’m working through, and my thought processes that need to be re-wired and the fact that my dad thinks that anything that happened was because I consented to it. And once he was cool with the fact that things happened that he didn’t know about, he decided it was time to joke around, break the tension, and that is even more irritating. I have things to work through, they are things that are not going to go away and I would prefer to not carry them around as baggage for the rest of my life. That baggage has gotten so heavy lately, that I really need to dump some, and the situation has provided itself and I’d like to take advantage of it. Can I really be faulted for that? I remember, when my cousin went through her first divorce, my gram (dad’s mum) commented that it was my cousin’s lot in life to not be happy and she should deal with it – to my cousin. Everyone, including my dad, was irritated at that comment. But at the same time, that is basically similar to what my father is telling me. I suffered, I need to carry that around for the rest of my life because it was the experience and because of that, I need to continue to suffer until I can bury it underneath every other life experience that comes after it, and any other suffering I might have as a result of all that. What bullshit. Oh yeah, he suggested counselling, funny. He got pissed when I dragged him into my therapist’s office for his own little counselling session with him. Bastard.

I now remember why I was screaming about how much I hate this house, last week. I hate the fact I can be sitting, watching t.v., and have a spider land on my face. I hate the fact that, instead of cleaning dust out of my computers, I clean spiderwebs and spider lunch out of them. I love wood floors in houses, I love the feel of old houses, but I hate the fact that within a week, it can look like it hasn’t been lived in for years because of the fucking spiders!!!!!!!

I’ve succeeded in sleeping till past noon. I really need to fix my sleep schedule because even when I’m dead tired, I still can’t get to sleep till around midnight. So I spend the days I have to get up early sluggishly walking around the store looking like the walking zombie. And now I have a headache, in search of caffeine. Ugh, I’m sluggy, I hate this, I really hate this. La la lalalalala la. I’m not sure where I am, where I’m going, what I’m doing. I’d love to start doing volunteer work, I’d love that, I need to find a gymnastics center around here so I can see about potentially coaching. It’s something I love doing, and the rush is running again. I also need to run by and get all my paperwork taken care of for my business. That, I should be able to take care of on Thursday when I get my paycheck. I know what it is, it’s the fact that I get up at noon on my days off and laze around. I can’t start doing any vestige of serious work-outs yet, till my hip is back up and running at 100%. And I’m rambling out of my ass again. Maybe I’ll just go back to sleep.

Ok, I’m reading this book on shapeshifting for the modern world. I can’t recall the name of it, so if you want that, you’ll have to email me to get it….anyway, one of the concepts in there is that it’s not a matter of becoming, so much as it’s a matter of being. One example was that of a girl who’s dream it was, was to be a dancer. She’d try-out, and try-out, but never make a dance troupe. She lamented her problem to the local shaman/priest-healer (in Africa), and he asked her to dance for him. She did, and he asked if she danced every night, she said she did, and he said he saw a beautiful dancer before him, and if she already danced every night, then she was a dancer. Why would she need someone else to confirm what she already was, and by rejecting her, was rejecting what she already was. In regards to shapeshifting, the point is that, in order to take on the appearance of whatever shape you wish to shift to, you must be that shape, not become that shape. The same could be applied to every day life, don’t become the person you wish to be, be that person. It’s definitely a perspective shift, more than it’s a shape shift. It’s something I’m going to be working with more, given that I used to walk through a conservative university campus in all my gothy glory, and not have anyone bug me, or look at me because I didn’t want them to. I wasn’t trying to be invisible, as much as I was seeing them as invisible. I think that’s a bit contrary to what I’ve been trying to say, but hey, it happens. 🙂

Ok, I just watched a segment on CNN about gymnastics and how elite gymnastics is evil. First thing I would like to say, are those parents a bunch of morons? They sit there and wonder about whether they’re pushing their child too hard, yet sit back and don’t put a leash on the coach when their kid breaks something. They had two kids training on injured limbs, bones, and muscles and they didn’t do jack shit. I was a pretty high up gymnast in my day, and I NEVER saw anything like that. When I broke or injured something, even if I wanted to train on it, I got side-lined, the way it should be. I can’t believe any coach would pull that bullshit, regardless of what name they wanted, or what name their gymnast wanted. The one thing they did get right was the fact that the kids themselves push harder than anyone. Gymnasts, at that level, are nuts. Seriously. Once you hit it, there’s no going back. The only thing that you can hope for, is that there’s a good fluffy crash pad when you land. The one thing I would advocate more of, is outlets and resources for the gymnasts – aka access to psychologists, therapists (medical, muscular, and mental), time out (vacation, when they need it). Yeah, you have to keep training to stay where you’re at, but if you’re burning out, then you’re going no where fast anyway. Even stepping back and scaling down practices would help. But, they don’t. To the point where I’m less concerned with whether the parents are forcing their dreams on the kids and more concerned with whether the coaches are forcing their dream/goal of most 1st places on the kids.

I feel really weird. I’m not sure exactly what kind of energy it is, my Scotsman thinks it’s energy that was directed at him, but I really don’t know. Our outing today was really good all morning, and then lunch happened. I don’t know what is up, or what happened, or if anything went wrong. I just feel this utter need to start crying and I’m not sure why. It’s this outsider feeling popping up inside me again, but I’m not sure if it’s directed at me. I just really don’t know.

So, I have cash, again. Now to save up for those two pairs of footwear I want. That shouldn’t be hard, once I get through most of this month, least, next week. Tomorrow, I go see a dead pharaoh, which will be cool because I’ve already seen Rameses II, now I get to see the I. Bought a couple really good books last night, one so that I can learn some Irish myth tales set for fireside telling, and another about co-habitating and the means to get around the loopholes that marriage grants. In reading some of the stuff, I’m quite curious as to whether it would be applicable to poly couples, as it seems such in theory.

In other news, I had a fun day at thehodgeroom. And I’ve found a couple of concerts I want to finish next month up with. Delerium is coming here around the end of Sept and Lacuna Coil will be here, again, with Type O. I can suffer through Type O, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to miss Lacuna Coil. They were awesome the first time, and hopefully there won’t be jackasses on the stage, again, before them. From there, it’s off to camping because they play the night before I leave for my retreat. I’m psyched, especially since Ozzfest is in two weeks, and Progpower is in 3 weeks. For those of you that I was going to get stuff for, please email me with what you wanted, that way I have a means of reminding myself and not forgetting.

Ok, I just saw the coolest thing on TV. Michael Huffington, former senator of California, corrected an article stating he was openly gay, by saying “No, I’m bisexual. I love women….but I also love men.” on national TV!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rock on.