healing

I think I’m numb…

Maybe I'm just masking a lot of stuff at this point, doing my best to distract myself, I guess. I don't think I've actually sat down in a quiet space in a day or two. Haven't had time, been either busy, or….distracted. I'm still very sad, going through everything just to find snippets. Thinking of all fun and stupid stuff, like him dropping me on my ass as he piggy-backed me to my mailbox. He was horrified and I was laughing my ass off – literally. The time I was scared to death that I had made a bad impression when he finally introduced me to his parents, mainly because they made a huge turkey, and I couldn't eat enough of it – along with a few other issues that every insecure girl would worry about. The one that cracks me up the most, he wasn't even present for….when I finally landed a job at CNN, I set my browser to pull up his AOL profile, so I could have a picture of him with me at all time. Unfortunately, I forgot about that when I took my laptop into a presentation. In front of all the vendors, I pulled up my presentation and there was Thorn, in his black and white frowning greatness staring out from the abyss at them. On the big screen. Let's just say, that was learning moment. At which point I got a printed picture and hung it on my cork board next to my computer screen.

I should have tried to get out there more often. There was no reason for me not to head north at all, when I was out for competitions. We always talked about it.

At least we always have Ozzy, Pantera, and a black trench coat….Oh yeah, and the freaky guy with the forked tongue, literally. I think both of us got the shivers from that one.

I think he also set my fetish for Vikings, he very much was one, even though he'd never been over there. I hope he's sailing the fjords now, they're so beautiful and amazing. He would have felt completely at home there.

Never far from heart or head, forever in love…
My dearest Thorn,
I know I wrote you a beautiful love letter years ago, but it was something you have in your possession, not one that I can share with the world, now. So today, I'm writing you another one. I know it's too late, now, but I know that these words will reach you, in whichever hall you have been welcomed into, in Asgard.

Words cannot convey everything I have felt for you, over the years. But pure love is the source of all of those feelings. As you said in a letter to me, 12 years ago, it wasn't that "we were together or that we met, but how we found each other, melded bodies, spirits…" And we were. We became part of each other, parts that could never be separated from the other. Over the years, the time and distance did separate us, but no matter what, my thoughts were always coming back to you, and I could always feel you with me. Even through the darkest times I've faced, your calm voice was always at the end of the phone when I least expected it.

Our relationship changed over time, but the feelings were still there. Deeper and more profound than anything I have ever experienced. Smiling and throwing good vibes at every positive change in each other's lives. Offering kind words and virtual hugs whenever those positives turned course and were infiltrated by something negative. We worked healing magic on each other, whenever wounds were opened or festered.

We've come a long way, since we were two kids trying to heal from our first loves, finding strength and love in each other, till we became strong enough to branch out and spread that to other people who needed it. Always, always in each other's hearts.

Today, I shed tears; not because your light has not gone out, but because it shines in a different way, in a different land. The gods have called you home, I'm sure for an important reason, but your love remains. It's here in everyone you have touched in your short life, and it's here in my heart. Time and distance are, as you said, frivolities. 
I'm sure Odin will allow a daughter of the Morrigan to visit you some day. Till then, prepare for your battles, perfect your pranks and learn the tricks of successfully allowing people their own enlightenment. You will be well missed my love, but you live on.

Thorn Lokisson 1975-2012

I came to another realization today, some of my anti-social behaviour is due to feelings of inadequacy. Not sure where they come from, as I was always a shy child, so my silence is not from there. I do recall many a time growing up, and as an adult, where I felt like I was being dismissed or just where my crappy timing and organizational skills fall flat due to nightmarish schedules I have to work with.

Where I feel inadequate is mostly when I try to do things for others…meaning, parties, gatherings of some sort, whatever. They almost always seem to fall flat (with exception to the annual PP gathering). Other times, it's in trying to express things. I sometimes feel like I'm talking to a wall, or being dismissed for no reason whatsoever. Anyway, that wasn't a fun thing to realize today. I really wonder why I bother, sometimes. I feel like I'm stuck in some BS competition and I'm the only one not competing.

Maybe I'm just going through withdrawal from classes being over, but I'm not in a happy place right now.

Randomness…

This week has actually been pretty good. I’ve had plenty of downtime to reflect on this last weekend, and some of the issues that have come up. And interesting side effect is that my throat chakra is blocked again. OH YAY! So, not sure what else is in there, but I have plenty of time to self-reflect.

Wednesday, I picked up Sven – a classmate’s pug puppy. Been a useful disruption to the household and has been a source of amusement for all – even the cats. They’ve started coming out and being somewhat social, even though they’re standoffish. Lexus, Elan and Pneus have taken to coming into the bedroom to sniff around. Sven isn’t sure what to make of them, but he’s taking his licks pretty well. Even managed to annoy one of my neighbors yesterday at 9am. Bonus points!! I just hope it was the downstairs neighbor, whose puppy was overly whiny when she wasn’t home (but I mainly wish for the 10-3am conversations around the bong during summers when my doors were open, when I had 7am wake-up times).

For turkey day, I picked up some prepped chicken from WF, along with some taters and some really tasty decaf coffee (but will get to that later). Defrosted the croissant dough and went to work. I made myself a wonderful meal and am quite proud of it. Homemade mashed taters FTW! Now, decaf….wonderful taste, no jitters or sweats! I’m totally thrilled, now to just save up to buy a smidge at a time. Going to try out the WM decaf, too. I just wish that the Atlanta court system could have gotten its ass in order so that I could have gone home, instead. Oh well, working on Christmas, instead. 🙂

So, this afternoon and tomorrow for work, then off to see the Muppets with some classmates. Sunday, gonna restart the yoga program and take a super low day. Ease into it and finish off with a yoga class in the afternoon. I need to quit sitting on the bed. It’s driving me and my back nuts. But, I have stuff to do at the office now, and since I have internet, it’s even better!!

Released….

I had a release today on the way to work. I felt it coming a mile away, finally. I still have some more and had mini-ones this afternoon. That said…

I really hate you right now. I really, really do. You spent the whole time we were together trying to “teach” me to hold things in. You strangled me in a worse way than physically putting your hands around my throat. I couldn’t write anything here because I was too worried about what you would think, what you would assume and having to explain myself. You tried to make me into some weak woman, who had to depend on you – because you NEEDED to be needed. Then, the one time I really needed you. The one chance you really had to protect me. You ran away. You shut me out and left me on my own to take care of myself. You lied to me. You told me a flat face lied and you knew it was a lie. I trusted you with the deepest part of me and you ran away. There is nothing that can make up for that. And I really wish there was, because now I have to deal with the fallout within myself. The trust issues I have, with myself. I question my feelings, I fight with myself just to even feel something.

I was rebuilding myself from the previous physical restrictions. You knew this, you knew my history!

Because of that. You are an asshole. You are just like those other guys. But you know what? They’re better. They’re better because they’re up front about who and what they are. They don’t hide behind a mask or a costume. I told you once that hell is paved with good intentions, and I hope you wear your wool sweaters, because I do not want, or need, anything from you. Ever again.

I hate that I had to learn this lesson, twice. But at least I’m in a better place. I’m glad you kicked me out. I have the best life I could think of now. No lies, no hands on my throat, and no one using me as a project. Just the people who love me, and love everything about me. Including my faults.

Wandering down the rabbit hole….again….

This is mainly just to remind me to write about this. But I had an amazing experience with Rounding this weekend and have lots of introspection to write about. Unfortunately, it’s not all in verbalized forms yet.

The parts that are:
My daddy issues are not with my actual father. We have been repairing our relationship for quite some time, and given the point when my injuries occurred and flare-ups happen – it never happens with my father, just with males who have taken, or attempted to take, an over-whelming patriarchal position in my life.

I have not taken adequate time to mourn for those I’ve lost in my life. Doug, David F., Don, my Uncle – I’ve internalized much of my sadness because I never felt that I was in a safe place to cry over their passing. I honestly think that is the source of my lone tears that appear for no reason.

I am in the presence of some amazing people. Some I am just opening up to, and others who naturally knew me, I am lucky as hell right now and hope to keep it up.

Mulahadhara work

So I was having an argument in my head with one of my clients, for some reason, this is my means of working out issues. Little did I know what was going to come up.

We were talking about a recent issue, namely my failures, that resulted in her being left by the wayside. As the argument progressed, I realized what one of my abso-huge major issues is…well, not really, I’ve known this for a while, and have vaguely put it into words here.

Every day, I am setting myself aside and asking others “What can I do for you?” “How can I help you?” It always ends in “you”. I never ask, “What can I do for myself?” “How can I help me?” And the rare times that I do, I end up on my ass at home doing nothing – which of late, includes my asanas. It’s been a long time (Pastry visits not included), since someone really said, “FC, what can I do for you? Really, just name it.” And it came from the heart.

I am my own housekeeper, schedule keeper (not including my asbso-fab former asst), shopper, boss, employee, friend, chauffeur, banker, you name it, I’m it. But I’m not my own caretaker. Least, not in a way that allows me to really, truly relax. It’s partly a trust issue, repeatedly being dropped on my head by people who were allowed in, has kinda made that door the envy of Alice in Wonderland. And it’s caused me to slack off in that regard as well. Saying I’ll do things and then take forever to get them done. I’m trying to work on the latter, but the former is going to take a bulldozer and a wrecking ball.

I need to get over it, and do that whole bootstraps bullshit. But quite honestly, I’d love to throw the bootstraps away, or flog whoever came up with that idea with them. If I had the money, I’d pay someone to make me tomato soup with a grilled cheese, so I can curl up all day in bed.

6 more months.