friends

2016…

3 Hawks circled our house this morning. With the rain subsiding, all the smaller birds returned, including a previously unseen red-mohawked woodpecker (no, he work a speckled suit, not a blue one). I also smudged the house, and am still smudging it. We had hoped to spend today finishing up the things we started yesterday, unfortunately Pastry is sick. Possibly from inhaling some of the drywall from yesterday’s demolition.

I feel confident on this next year, not necessarily that it will be stagnant, but that it will be busy – good busy. I think that most of last year was pretty much dedicated to wiping out a lot of old stuff. Old relationships that were unserving, job situations that weren’t beneficial, and some other stuff. There is stuff that I wish wasn’t ending, but such is the way of nature. I’m hoping that this is moving towards my “moment” where life finally smacks me upside the head and I finally listen to it and suddenly the river starts to flow.

We also need to start taking time out to be social. Whether old friends or new ones, though I’m leaning towards new friends. I’ve never really had a social circle, just a few friends that I’d go do stuff with. It’s easier in HS and college when you’re all kinda in the same place. Adulting is a bit different, with schedules and distance and all that stuff. Makes that whole being social thing kinda hard. But I do like the idea of meeting new people, even if it’s the result of people I already know.

I’m also contemplating re-starting a pagan discussion group. There’s not a Borders to host it at, but I’m sure something can be figured out if the interest is there. Just ideas that I’ve been tossing around.

Gearing up…

Tomorrow is the first of “big days” in my treatment. The teeth come out. The positive is that they’re crowded already so it won’t be much of a gap. I’m already talking funny because I have too much stuff in my mouth. But that’s ok. I’m dealing.

I am finding my anxiety is getting worse, which is weird. It’s all money related because this shit ain’t cheap and the Drs will only deal with insurance in the manner of sending it in. I have to pay out first, insurance reimburses me. Seriously fucked up shit, but I can’t blame the Drs, I don’t want to deal with insurance.

The best part, I’m starting to get back into my head on the deeper topics. Been rolling around ideas about wisdom and truth and how they play out in Biblical stories with that cast of characters. I can’t remember the movie that sparked that thought process, but I’m glad it did because I need to ponder that those things. I also need to get off my ass and email/call my elder so we can start our monthly sit-downs. I have ideas on where to start, but I find I work better with guides, and that gives me a tribe connection – which has sorely been missing of late. Bit by bit I’m disappearing. I don’t know why I feel like that, because I’ve almost always felt like the loner. Even in groups. Some connection that I just can’t see, always out of my reach or sight that prevents me from actually feeling like I am really part of a group.

I just don’t get what I’m missing from that equation. And it hit me hard yesterday. I’m making my way through the Robin Williams part of my Netflix queue, and like 20/20 hindsight of David Foster Wallace, this manner of death casts a shadow on how I interpret his works of late. Yesterday, I watched World’s Greatest Dad. Given the issues he was dealing with in his real life, it made the words stick out all the more. Did he choose that script because of what was going on in his head? Was that his call out for help? Did everyone miss it because it wasn’t in wide release? But the best part was when he told everyone off, walking into the natatorium, stripped down and jumped naked off the high dive. That’s kinda how I feel. Except he was casting off society to join a small group of outliers that shared a love of horror movies and odd psychosis. I don’t feel I have that. Or maybe it’s just the burrowing season of winter that throws me into my cave for self-reflection. Or maybe just perspective of that, and it’s all just a temporary illusion of the season.

When I’m out, I don’t know why, but it feels like I’m walking into the shallow end of the kiddie pool. I think I’d rather be at the meeting of some philosophy club discussing the deeper meaning of Kierkegaard. I would like to enjoy the kiddie pool, but I think my brain is screaming out for exercise, too. Need to figure that one out.

Today is…

Thorn’s birthday. Not sure how I feel, because there is a mixture of happy and sad today. Been thinking about him all day, no matter what, because my posts to him won’t be returned with a thanks of any sort. But…I did find 2 mantids last night on my blackberry bush. One of them had just molted and the other one was preparing to. This morning they were overly active, which meant they needed to move to a bigger bush (the roses) so the Pneus didn’t get them, and they needed to go outside. So that’s my positive for the day. Also, went and hung out with L, to check in on her post-op. She’s doing ok, feeling like shit, but I was there for the PT and a few other things. I’m proud of her, even though she’s having a time of it, because she’s progressing.

I think that’s another thing I’ll take away from Thorn…his love of his friends, and the fact that sometimes I can just be a mindless imp. But I think that’s because I just fail at letting everyone know when I’m thinking of them (which is pretty much every day). The checklist running through my head isn’t what I have to do, it’s everyone who has been in my life. Whether it’s wondering what they’re up to, or just smiling at whatever memory has arrived. There are very few people who are banned from my memories, even though their name will pass unattached through my head.

So…please know, even if we don’t talk, I am thinking about you. Everyone, even the random folks I’ve known since kindergarten. And I still know your name, it just might take me a few minutes to get out of my mouth.

With that said, tonight, just lift a glass and toast all your friends who have made a difference in your life, whether it was a compliment or a slap upside the head that righted you. They made a difference.

It has been interesting…

And a hard weekend. The trip out was an effort, as apparently the first flight to Atlanta, from Detroit was delayed by 30 minutes, which meant I missed my connection from LA to Sacramento. So, instead of being in Redding by 4pm, I arrived at around 9pm. Gotta love airport screw-ups that result in an additional 5 hours of travel time.

Anyway, that's not the point. It's been a hard weekend, but a good one. The weather has been chilly and rainy, but at least it was sunny up in Burney. It was nice to re-see some more friends, meet new ones. It was also nice to hear that my parental fears were totally unfounded. They totally loved me, so I now have 3 sets of parents and a totally awesome brother and SIL, that I was finally able to meet. I honestly wished that it had not been in this manner, but I love them anyway.

I am eternally grateful for everything right now.

Not sure what the plans are for today, but I guess I should wake  up before she sleeps the day away.

So, I slept in this morning…

Then preceded to attempt at finding a balance in the latest cheap coffee I bought, will not buy cheap coffee again, least not Arabica cheap coffee. I've discovered that I much prefer the gentle wood scents of Sumatra, Arabica smells like Starbucks.

While doing that, I managed to not really check facebook, so much as I responded to a message about the upcoming Equinox ritual tomorrow night. I'm filling the priestess role and my brain is still in yogaland – but at least said brain is functioning. Instead, I grabbed my book and headed out on the patio, after prepping the chairs with their mats and cleaning off the patio from my adventures in sawing window props from my old closet shelves (BTW, I still have a bathroom mirror to whoever wishes to give it a good home, since Pastry won't let me crack it an either make art out of it or send it to the landfill). Lost track of time and spent a good 3 hours out there reading. It's the first time, since I'd bought this place, that I've spent that much time out there. No music, no podcasts, just birds and cats chasing carpenter bees. And has anyone else realized, how stupid carpenter bees can be? They fly around like they have a broken horizon and bounce into things. Knowing how a bee's eye is set up, I can understand that whole "seeing triple" issue, but really, I'd think they could see in 3D.

Yoga stuffs, cut for your sanity…

And again….

Tummy is wound up tighter than a nun's legs today, was fine up till I got in the car to come to work. Not sure what the trigger is with the office, because it's not in any danger and there isn't really anything about the office that is daunting or challenging. Maybe it's just tax season. Granted, the tattoo office decided that my building is the perfect place to park their sign van, which I hope will move in the next hour or two. If not, I'm going to request they not do this again. My more conservative clients (and new ones) do not need to have that blocking my parking spaces. We have enough issues to deal with, without bringing that one into the mess.

Anyway…I am in a meditative/contemplative spot. Lots of thoughts floating through my head and hopes, least hopes that in a month or so some of the issues I'm dealing with personally will evaporate. It'll be better to have the Pastry here, even if he's jobless for 3 months. Means the house will be cleaner and the bills will start being paid more on time, hopefully. Also means the CC bills will drop significantly!!!

Oh well, there's more in my head but my client will arrive shortly, so we'll see how I'm feeling later today.

Moving forward….

I've been in deep contemplation about this blog, where it's going to go, and what it's going to be about. My main problem has been the fact that I have too many journals. One is for my spiritual stuffs, one is for my personal stuffs, and I have contemplated doing one for my work stuffs. But I think it's time to suck it up and dive in by merging them all. The business will obviously have its own, and I can easily cross-post, but I'd like to keep things going here. I have 10 years of stuff here, and a few years more elsewhere (but I think I tossed the disk in my last house purge….oops!). But the muse is stirring, and I'm loving it. This afternoon I wrote an amazing poem in my head, which of course has gone the way of the wind by now. I'm starting to come out of my cocoon and stretching my wings again.

Yoga is coming along, my asana practice is actually becoming regular! Created some zen time yesterday at the Center, doing what my "job" is, cleaning the alters. For some reason, I always find that to be the most relaxing and meditative thing for me, even though I showed up to meditate with my teacher (didn't happen because I lost track of time).

I'm happy to be able to really say, "I'm getting there", because I am. I'm being a bit more social, and enjoyed a really awesome dinner last night with friends, and a Persian restaurant complete with the tables you have to squat around (I wish more restaurants did this, it was quite awesome!). I buckled down this afternoon and finished up (what I think is finished up) my tax booklet, so I can go drop it on my super awesome accountant's desk. Hopefully, it won't add stress and will be pretty simple for him to put together in time, if not, no issues with paying my late fees. My classmate Ang commented once on how she's just absolutely loving her life now….I'm thrilled to say I'm joining her with that sentiment!!!

Oh yeah, I have sproutlings on my patio! The garlic is coming along nicely, and the basil and oregano have just started to poke their heads out, too. A couple more weeks and the tomato seedlings should pop-up, as well.

Now if I could just get better about going to sleep before 1AM and waking up before 8AM.

Death, love and rock and roll…

It seems that death is all over the place lately. Every time I turn my head someone else has left this plane, so there is a lot of sadness all around me. I am in a good place to deal with it, as some while sad, was a welcome relief from the person's suffering. I'm not sure if all of this has something to do with the overwhelming dream world I've been experiencing. It's welcome, as I wake up with knowledge that I have dreamed, vs the last 5 years or so, where I couldn't even begin to think I had a dream. I like it, and my body is liking it.

I bought my tickets to head out to CA.  will be picking me up, and then we'll be heading up to 's blot/memorial. I just need to remember to pack my mead, my grove brother made it for me for a "special occasion" and I figure this is the best occasion for it. Hope it has aged well, as it's from 2007. Though, I think Thorn would get a huge giggle if it's not, as he was the one who introduced me to mead, in hopes that I would like it (I'm allergic to grain alcohol). But it will be nice to finally meet everyone, regardless the circumstances. I also think he'd love the fact that all of us are getting together and sharing the love – and probably some loud death metal.

Ch-ch-changes…

So, I'm contemplating changes. The one that is in the process of happening is less on-line time. It will pretty much disappear when Pastry arrives (which, we do have a more solid date, just in time for our somewhat anniversary), as I'm on the computer just for our shared solitude moments. It also means I'll be more social, least on Saturdays and Sundays. Having gas money to go to potluck will be AWESOME!!! I'm also working on the inner workings. The sadness is going away, I'm not crying as much, but the series final of SG-1 has stuck with me since I watched it the other day. Not sure why, but it is because of the middle part. So well done to the directors on that one.

Simplification. I'm still working on it, but I never imagined how much of a mess it creates, just to get rid of stuff. Both in the apartment and in life. I'm trying to not take some things as personal as I have taken them, but finding that last thread to cut is always difficult when you don't have a magnifying glass.

Mindfulness. Been increasing this aspect, and I'm not sure if it's creating an irritation or not, because I'm finding that other people who are not as mindful are creating issues that grate on the outset and settle later. Case in point, this morning. Someone in my office dragged one of the wooden chairs across the floor with that nice loud "screeeeeeeeeeee" sound. Made me cringe because it didn't phase her at all. But hey, she thanked me for letting her use my electricity, which was cool.

Happiness. I really am happy, for the most part. I recognize things that I need to improve on, and I am working on them. My social life needs more variety, but I am getting out and being social with other people in one-on-one situations. And I'm being useful. Helped a friend put together her bathroom furniture over the weekend, and it was awesome. Have a class to take tomorrow, with friends, after working on a friend, so lots of friends there. 🙂 Upcoming is my yoga class' monthly gathering and book club, which I get to help with, so thrilled with that. I love me some book clubs, especially yoga centric book clubs. Just need to go grab my copy of the book so I can get started. I'm also helping out at grove, as I've been asked to co-facilitate the upcoming ritual. I was pretty nervous after saying yes, but at the same time, I'm very comfortable with the idea. Which, I should be, as my grove position requires me to be the "back-up", so to speak. So time to step up. I'm hoping this will help me in being more "on time" with my responsibilities and stuff I say I will do. I'm pretty bad about coming up with the "back out" reasons, and I need to stop that.

Funny story about that…