yoga

Whittling

Spent the day not working on the condo. But that’s ok, we’ll go by tomorrow and I’ll spend some time on Monday, too. We’ve needed to stay at the house and start to unpack. Things need to find their places.

I’m finding amusement in the things that I’m determining are important to buy. Yes, it’s things, but things like plants, bird feeders, chairs for outdoors. I’m not focused so much on the inside as I think there are only a few things we honestly need there, but we need more outdoor stuff. I’m seeing where I can set-up my retaining walls, where the grove circle might go (got it narrowed down to 3 places), which things need to be removed.

Slowly, finding more direction. Still wandering a bit with the work stuffs, but it will get settled. I’m being pulled in a different direction, so right now the goal is to set the office up so that the massage will be my part-time job and the gym will be my main job. Taking a bigger role there, as we’re picking out next year’s team and setting up a 5-6 year old team. Going to spend next week reconfiguring the website for the office to get rid of 2 of our memberships. I have to go in another direction. I also need to bring in folks that can potentially take over the lease. Waffling on whether or not I want it set up in a manner for me to have 2 offices, but as with meditation, that thought just floats in and floats away. No attachment to it, yet. The signs haven’t been there, they’ve been elsewhere.

Speaking of signs…I’m getting better at being more aware of them. Not always sure as to which direction they are intending to point me, but I figure at this point I can treat it like breadcrumbs. Find the ones that strike me in the right manner and keep walking till I find another one and continue on that path. And that’s leading me further and further away from Atlanta. It really is something to think about, I just need to figure out how I’m going to pursue that avenue. I feel I’ve been niched into one place with my work, and I’ve strayed away from the type of work that I got into the field to do in the first place. I’m too separated from my spirituality with it.

Stopping to smell the flowers…

Which is kind of unavoidable as my deck is blooming (at least one flowering plant is, the other 6 or so are still works in progress).

I’ve been wandering around of late, spending more time reading Fallen Leaves by Will Durant. He’s one of my favourite lyrical historians so it’s interesting to hear his own thoughts on what he’s witnessed. A good bit echoes my grandmums’ opinions – my father’s mum never understood the need for women’s suffrage. She always thought we had better things to do than worry about men’s quarrels that would do the world no good. Some of his opinions I obviously disagree with, particularly when it comes to gender roles. But that’s beside the point. I get where he’s coming from in it, because we’ve lost our way and we’re trying to find it. The only issue is that in losing our way, we’ve found other routes and “trinkets” that now need integrating.

Which brings me to a thought I’ve been pondering – yoga. One of the blogs I’ve been reading and absorbing is written by a woman who grew up in the culture that has grown out of the Vedic teachings. I can’t fully sum up her opinions in a manner that will do her any justice here, but in my words – Americans are good at messing up good things in the name of improvement. We’ve pretty much perfected the process, mastered possibly.

At any rate, I’ve been taking inventory of my inclusion in the American yoga community and I’ve really started distancing myself. Sure, I’d love to feel the energy of a yoga rave or the community created at Wanderlust, but every time I look at the things going on I find it akin to the newly converted – who never get over that new conversion smell. It’s like all these people who are throwing themselves out there and holding themselves up as this awesome product to be sold. Spouting $0.05 wisdom as if they have opened a fortune cookie every minute or so. I don’t doubt their dedication to their practice or the fact that they’d probably still be doing what they’re doing if the audience was smaller. It’s the display.

It’s why so many people love Pope Francis, he comes off as authentic in who he presents himself as being. And I think that’s where I fall off the bandwagon. I don’t pretend to know sanskrit, and have had several of my clients correct my pronunciation of it (which is fine, as they got 2 years of it in school the same way we get our 2 years of some foreign or dead language in ours). I recognize the vibrational aspect of the language and how it relates to our bodies. I even recognize the easy description that it provides for the postures and actions – if you know the language. But none of that is any use for a casual student who is just starting out on their journey and learning to incorporate the whole concept into their life. Same goes for my gymnastics students…

As I told one of my clients, gymnastics was the sport that gave me more life lessons than any other sport I participated in. For all events, it’s a balance between strength and flexibility, grace and athleticism, and above all humility. My students are beginners, mostly. They fall often and lack the strength that the events truly require. But that’s life. You start out with one skill and build on it. You fall down, get back up. If getting back up is difficult you find a new way to get back up. If your body isn’t built for one skill, you modify it. If strength is the issue, you keep at it till your body is strong enough. Every day you are pushing one limit or another and finding that you can step past yesterday. That fear? You find it’s gone or learn that fear is what holds you back, but also pushes you further.

But the humility. You learn that on day 1. You learn that there are things you naturally just can’t do, that someone else can. You have days where you can do nothing but fall. Over and over. Your balance is off, you’re tired, you can’t concentrate. The drama that you thought you left at the door suddenly found its way in. Life. You’re good at one event but another one is just a giant brick wall that you can’t see around. Society. The petty teammate who wants nothing more than to see you fail. The coach who is yelling at you out of love. The gym moms… Your friends who don’t understand why you can’t play hooky. The guy that’s interested in you but you don’t even notice the hints (even though you’re interested, too). All those other things you want to do, but aren’t important right now. Sacrifice.

Step by step…

I’m walking away from things and walking towards others. Every time I open Facebook I sit and wonder why I’m even there. I scroll through half of it, comment and like few and in-between and noticing that I make a decision based on whether or not it’s an open post and whether or not it’s something I mind the search engines knowing. I don’t mind, I just find it interesting.

I’ve also cut back on that whole coffee thing. I couldn’t drink it post surgery, and surprising enough I didn’t miss it. I like that idea because it means I can now sit back and really enjoy the moment of it, in the same way a Japanese tea ceremony is to be enjoyed. I’m longing for the warmth of weather so I can sit on the patio again, listening to the world happen. We’re already contemplating this year’s layout and the new things we need to get to make it our little refuge.

I haven’t gotten back into my full asana practice. Meditation is happening more and more, though. That otherworld call keeps happening and I keep giving in to it. I can’t wait for the veil to start opening again to me. The realization that yes, I do need to be in this world, but no, it’s not the most important place to be. My life tends to not fall apart as fast or be as hard to deal with when I allow that realization to manifest. Digging myself out of that wretched hole, finally.

My horrorscope for the day…

You're feeling an intense sense of healing emanating from somewhere deep — so deep that you may not even realize where it's coming from. Try not to worry about it too much, as it's strictly positive.

I ended up with a day off, so far. So with all stress I've been under with the paranoid watching of my car out the window, and randomly hitting the lock/unlock buttons on my remote – just in case someone's under it – I managed to sleep in. I think the CatBox is pretty safe during the day, since there are no cars around to hide someone slinking around it. But all this stuff does lead me to question – what exactly is the cause of all of this? Is this a purge going on so I can move forward? Is this a sign that I'm moving in the wrong direction on something? And if so, what something is going in the wrong direction? Everything that has happened in the last 3 months has been personal and hitting at my home and my heart – but most of the physical damage has been to my bank account. And that last part, is where the stress comes from. The pattern seems to be that we get within range of paying off all credit cards, then something major hits and jacks us back up to where we don't want to be. I'm not sure if it's a taunt to clear out the savings account, or if it's just a reminder of where things just naturally are for now. Given all the crap that happened in November, I was hopeful that this was going to be a recovery year. Where growth would happen and I'd be able to start doing all the nice things for my friends that I used to do, and be able to go visit them for weekend get-aways.

But instead, I'm left waiting on my percentage of insurance reimbursement, and then having to divvy that up so I can pay out the next thing that I will have to wait for reimbursement on. I've been telling myself to trust in the universe, it hasn't let me down yet. But it's playing a semi-nasty game of monkey in the middle with me right now. I want to trust, but I also want to go back to sleep and not wake up till all of this is over.

My positives: My intermediate class is almost full on Wednesdays. I'm finding my way with them, even the difficult one. I'm starting to get interest in private yoga classes. I have an Alpine snuggling with me and coffee. A dreary day, but it's absolutely amazing to look out the window at it.

The Merry-go-round…

Talked to the detective today. She seems pretty cool, even though she admits she can't make the life/lives of the person(s) who stole the stuff off my car miserable. I'm staying fairly positive, because when it started the only thing I could do was laugh. Not the funny ha-ha kind, but the "OMG, this is so absurd, really?" The insurance nightmare that I thought would ensue has been abated, they're paying the entire bill minus my deductible.

Though, the awesome…went to a dinner party at my friend's house. It was nice and small and wonderful. Not too taxing on my social withdrawal needs, but good for my being social factor. I have 4 gymnstics classes that I'm teaching. Start Wednesday, hoping this positivity will over-flow into my business for the year. Need to quit slacking on the yoga. But all this other stuff has been pulling me away from that focus. I have been meditating, so that's good. It's steps in the right direction. But I readily admit, I was a total slacker today. Didn't need to go to work, so I hung out at home. Didn't want to run around too much, as I have been waiting on the mechanic to tell me the CatBox is ready to go home. Still haven't seen the neighbor's Element, but my guess is that she's waiting on the insurance and not doing what I did and forcing the insurance to work faster than they want to work.

But I have a kitten on my lap, so it's ok. This too shall pass.

I missed it…

But our internet has been out from 2am Sunday to this afternoon, and like hell if I'm going to type a blog post on my phone. Um, no.

At any rate, Pastry's provisional GC is up next month, did we send this shit out last month? No. So I'm getting everything together to send it out tomorrow. Base stuff, and a letter why it's base stuff. My bitch is that some of the stuff they expect is that we want to document EVERYTHING. Makes me want to send in a sex tape instead of anything else. So fucking annoying, I hate the gov't, especially considering I have to go through this, and drop another $590 "filing fee" and biometric appt (will be the 3rd one), but there's a bunch of "undocumented" people running to a DMV in California to get their DL. Seriously, how the fuck does that make sense? I have a ton of other opinions on the subject, but those will have to hold off and probably put under a lock. Immigration here pisses me off, but at least it continues in the "good faith" of the US government – punish those who play by the book and reward those who don't. And please, if you want to comment on this, don't regal me with the dangers of South America, because E. Europe and Asia ain't very pretty either – and you can bet that they aren't included in that EO. At any rate, I'm glad the interview isn't this week, I'd probably not be the greatest candidate – would definitely be overly sarcastic and rip the poor schmuck a new one.

But, we got a new dishwasher working. It's pretty. And my sink is much cleaner now. I also got my email program working again. Nightmare to wait on the answer, but now I can say Yosemite isn't that bad.

Going back to work wasn't too bad. Full schedule, so that's a positive sign for the new year. Also, the gym is picking up, so they need people to take over some beginner and advanced classes. Works for me.

Still tired. Want to sit with coffee in bed with the cats, but I'll take some work. Work is good, makes me feel useful. Need to start teaching yoga classes now. I'm at the point where I'm ready to start my home practice. I'm one of those folks who has to go backwards. I had to put in the actual practice before the physical practice. And that's ok, because that's where I'm pulled anyway.

So…this last weekend…

I went to the mountains and surrounded myself with women. Strange for me, I know. But it was actually a good thing. I've been thinking about my hip and shoulder issues over the last couple of days and I can't remember if my therapist attributed the right-side issues with my lack of femininity or with my over-usual masculinity. But the thing that got me was the amount of hip opening I had, not necessarily from sharing (because we all know that I'm willing to write more than talk), but just from being around and listening to the stories of those who were willing to share. I admit, the heart center has pretty much been shut down and humiliated into quiet submission – again – and if I think back, that's about when the hip and shoulder really started to act up. Like an internal struggle to force me into opening back up and letting all the emotion and energy that I used to have pour out. In a manner of speaking, I guess that need to round kick and undercut/haymaker someone was directed at myself.

One of the activities we did was a trust exercise (at least, that was my interpretation of it). We had to walk around the room shoulder to shoulder with our focus first on ourselves, then on our partner, then split between the two of us (total of 6 times). My partner and I had a somewhat rough start, but by the end we were walking about like we were strolling in the park. One of my takeaways was that yes, I can be selfish (as the first round was focused on ourselves). I hesitate to do that because I've known too many selfish people. But the reminder with focusing on someone else, is that it can be done in moderation. I've known I've needed to put a focus on taking care of myself, as in a manner of speaking, I am a caretaker. I've spent the last couple of years with this huge, not glorious burden from the business. I'm also still coming down from this expectation of who and what I am supposed to be, how I present myself, and what attention I'm supposed to give to others and when. It's a mess. Some real, some imagined, but all true to my experience.

This was also the first time I realized that I need to stick my hand out. I've always lurked in the shadows. I've been happy with that. But at the same time, I do want to spend more time with my friends and meet other people. Going back to the expectation above, I've always waited for them to have time for me, instead of asking for their time. Yes, I will always make time for my friends, if they ask – and they know I will. But I need to ask them for time, too. And, for better or worse, I've also failed in getting past one remainder of the dark years – I'm not stupid, I'm not an idiot. The wisdom in my head is not what most people want to discuss, but there I felt completely at home. Still hesitant to crack open my skull and let this stuff come out, but the first blow has been dealt and at some point I will feel comfortable in sharing it. And I have to, because if one has wisdom, it is their duty to share it with those who wish to learn from it. If I don't, I have failed one of the tenants of my spirituality, though, I just think that my problem has been the how. My experiences and what is up there has worth, contrary to what some have successfully convinced me of thinking.

One more step.

The gifts of being human…

In an attempt to start accessing those wonderful artistic aspects of my being, I've started reading through my daily meditation books. The one that struck the chord today was from Caitlin Matthews, the question was, What, for you, are the gifts of being human?

I think one of the main ones, that I think is more specific to humans, is the ability to create something beautiful for the sake of creating beauty. Most animals, when you watch them create something, are doing it for the sake of utility. I don't discount the idea that they may have a concept of beauty (just watch a bird making her nest) but I have yet to come into the presence of another animal creating something in that manner.

When I look to shared gifts…compassion and understanding are the ones that come up next. To ostracize someone, we withhold both of those in order to make that individual feel worthless and unwelcome. We also tend to do that for the wrong reasons, sometimes solely because we can. But we can make the choice to let those barriers down and let people be who they are, without strings attached. Making that choice requires a willingness to be injured in some manner. Sometimes it pays off in a reward, and other times the payoff is a new learning experience to benefit us the next time we step out on that ledge.

One that we neglect is our instinct. Other animals live off of it, so they are completely in tune with how that functions. Our instincts tend to be dulled by our opulence, falsified safety created by imagined wealth and material objects. Sweet talkers who seduce us with things we want to hear or games we refuse to take full notice of. We play into those because of our own desire for some kind of acceptance, because we don't accept ourselves, where we stand. We have this idea in our head as to who we are, but fail to look in the mirror to see if that's who we can be, truly, or if it's just a magnified fantasy that can never materialize. Society has told us that going after the unimaginable is a flight of fancy. But if we look at where we want to go, and look and see what is available for that first step, we can find a way to make a path – if that is what we really do want. Complacency is what keeps us from moving forward. Stagnation is what propels us to make those changes.

A concept of failure. When things don't work out, we either have the option to leave them there, or figure another route. When everything is given to us, what do we miss out on by not looking down those other paths, or making a new one?

In this holiday of thankfullness…

I'm finding that I'm getting more and more pissed off. In talking with my mum, it dawned on me that my irritation has been with the small courtesies that used to be common, but are not so common…even in a laid back atmosphere such as the one I strive to create around me. For the most part, I run on the "what works for everyone" time. In my business, I'm a bit anal about being on-time (meaning, 15 minutes early), and my scheduling. If we're scheduling out and my schedule doesn't mesh with people, I try to work with it. But that has come to the point where it's resulting in my loss, and it's pissing me off. I come into my office in order to either work on the back end of things, or see clients….especially around holidays. But apparently, there seems to be this disconnect at the idea that I don't see other clients…or at least, that's the impression I get in dealing with some of my clients. Today's doozy was someone that I normally don't see, because I normally don't work past 5.30pm on Fridays. We moved him to my schedule, earlier in the day, and then all the miscommunication started. Needless to say, he didn't show up, and wanted to come in at his normal time instead. Yeah, I like wasting 6 hours of my day, no biggie (which yes, I know he was unaware that I've been sitting around getting my panties in a twist in the meantime).

At any rate, it's a small piece of a larger picture. Earlier, a client decided to use this "you never confirmed a time back with me" to excuse his lack of communication. Maybe I'm weird, but if someone doesn't get back to me on a business transaction, I tend to get back with them….and I also check my spam box regularly, which is where the following communications from me went (thanks Google! Love that algorithm, really, I do).  Other clients cancelling at the last minute because they schedule a meeting to start when our appointment ends…and expecting to not pay for the cancellation.

It just amazes me. I know my yoga teacher discussed how we would want to crawl in a hole, away from society during our transition. And I really do. I need to take a serious break from people, just so I can hit that proverbial reset button on all of this. My boundaries have gotten so blurred, that it's next to impossible for me to come up with a polite way to enforce them. The online scheduling is going to help, if Google would quit sending the emails from it into the recipient's spam box.

Just too much, really, it's just too much. I don't know if it's just the culture around me, or if it's me (and yes, I know that the only thing I can really control are my reactions). But when you get the amount of mindlessness and lack of common courtesy that has been thrown in my face, it happens. As I told my mum, I don't know if it's just because I'm seeing it and it's bothering me that I'm seeing more of it, or if it really is THAT bad.

I just need to become a hermit.

Samhain…

Usually, this time of year is great for me. I don't know if this is the combination of a bunch of stuff colliding and the ensuing chaos is more evident, or just the fact that I am just not handling things all that well.

On the work front, I'm trying to get the yoga program up and running, which requires me to transfer everything over to a new database. That conversion is in the final processes. The downside, getting everyone in the office to use the new system and double check on the old system. That came to a head yesterday, when I asked someone to handle the scheduling, which resulted in me being double booked for tomorrow. The damage control is not to my liking, and right now, I just want to skip today and tomorrow and head to my vacation already.

On the yoga front, I started a 2 week daily yoga practice on Monday. That didn't start off well. I gave my gym a try, because I've had awesome classes at gyms, so I'm not turned off by them. The physical practice was good, but it left my mental state in an absolute jumble and the instructor didn't even give me time to remotely process. So I walked out of class with the view that I am an absolute judgmental bitch. And that is true, I just temper it as I process info. This is the first time I have truly felt that way after a yoga class (since I'm pretty good about just being observant of what I'm feeling and letting it go). It stuck with me. So, day 2 was back to my normal studio. All was righted in the world. Day 3 was amazing. I took the whole day off to prepare for ritual, I wanted to be "in that space". Normally, not a struggle. The class did exactly what I needed it to do, unfortunately, work issues yanked me out of it (see above). I managed to put them on the back burner, not thinking that it would be an issue.

Ritual, still processing, not planning on talking about it.

Damage control, still working on it, client sent an email saying, "So I don't have a massage tomorrow?" Well, yeah, that's what I said. I have a client during the time that you were scheduled because someone didn't look at the master schedule. Instead chose to look at the tertiary schedule that no longer updates, because my schedule has been completely uploaded to the master.

Vacation, I am struggling to not make the decision to work over this weekend. There are things that need to be done, but at the same time, I need a complete break. I haven't had a chance to take a vacation this year, not even something that remotely resembles one. I have not had a day where my brain was no where near my office, and a line HAS TO BE DRAWN. If I do not, I will walk away, and it's not something I want right now.

What I need, someone at the office I can truly depend on for back office related stuff. I do not feel that I have that. Some of it is my failings, for not properly teaching all the stuff that I need, and some of it is being too accepting and generous of where others are in their personal lives. Yes, I need to get someone in there, but I cannot, at this time, justify the cost. And I do not have anything that could remotely justify rewarding a volunteer.