healing

Grab your humanity!!!!

So I’ve been watching, because I do that kind of thing, and the one thing that I’m noticing about a good chunk of the discussion is the lack of humanity. This primarily came up because there’s a bullet that likes to remind me that I dodged it. Every time I listen to this person open their “mouth” I find the absolute loss of empathy and humanity coming out of it. There’s an extent to which it saddens me, but that’s not my responsibility nor did I dig the hole that keeps getting deeper.

Then I reflect to the grander picture. Our society is a very, very fine balance; as any society is. Law attempts to be humane but there comes a point where Lady Justice has to put her blindfold on and decide based on what we’ve decided, as a society, is guilt or innocence. Being on either end of that spectrum doesn’t determine the presence or absence of humanity, but how we dole out the consequences does.

In our current climate we’ve subsisted on soundbites and half stories for decades, which for the folks my age was the whole premise behind Reality Bites. We love the tidbits, we love filling in the gaps and making new stories out of them, but we really hate having to own up to the fact that we jumped the gun. This leads us to the whole false narrative issues we’re starting to see play out in our media. Our need for “right now” not “wait and see”.

This is where I’m going to tell you – grab your fucking humanity. Put yourself in a mental situation that doesn’t include whatever bubble you were cushioned by growing up. Consider it a thought project safe space, if you need those. Imagine being in a situation that many people these days are finding themselves in – in our multi-ethnic society – that seeks a specific individuality that is based on a specific group ideal. How and what would you do in that situation? Do you have all the facts? Could you truly make a decision based on what you do know?

Our human experiences are all different. We may not be able to know exactly how someone else feels based on our individual environments, but we can relate and we can imagine to try and find that point. It really isn’t that difficult. It’s just easier to default to hate because it doesn’t require any real rational thought or discussion. When we do that, and when we approach from that direction – that is where we find the points we can make a change for the better. And I would really like to see us do better.

Evolution…

Things have been getting pretty hectic here since the beginning of the year. But in a good way. It’s been giving me time to reconnect with my roots, clear out the old junk that has been holding me back from jumping off the cliff, and make room for all the really awesome stuff that has been percolating in the background.

It’s been a good clearing, as I’m finding the ideas that I’ve been waiting for are finally starting to bubble to the surface. How I want the back yard to look, what I want the house to look like, what my office should be and finally….what my job will be! That part is the most exciting, because it finally allows me to bring every thing I do in life together into this one little bundle.

I’ve always known that I’m that person who will always be a step behind, but it’s never really bothered me that much because I’ve found that I always arrive when I need to do so. Guess that makes me a little wizard in the Tolkien vein. 😀

As things progress, I might talk about it more here, even though I do want to keep things a bit separate. Maybe I’ll hit a stride where I finally don’t care again and can fully open up. But it’s hard to explain how awesome it is, when that part that you thought was dead inside – buried in thick concrete and hidden for all time – to crackle back to life. To hear the muse that you had pushed aside, to become something that someone else wanted you to be, to forgive you enough and trust enough that she’d begin talking to you. And to finally hear the gods of old start to sing their songs with you. The awakening that we all search for, cry out for, and seek every single day.

But then begin to realize that it’s a process of a lot of small circumstances and details that add up.

Whittling

Spent the day not working on the condo. But that’s ok, we’ll go by tomorrow and I’ll spend some time on Monday, too. We’ve needed to stay at the house and start to unpack. Things need to find their places.

I’m finding amusement in the things that I’m determining are important to buy. Yes, it’s things, but things like plants, bird feeders, chairs for outdoors. I’m not focused so much on the inside as I think there are only a few things we honestly need there, but we need more outdoor stuff. I’m seeing where I can set-up my retaining walls, where the grove circle might go (got it narrowed down to 3 places), which things need to be removed.

Slowly, finding more direction. Still wandering a bit with the work stuffs, but it will get settled. I’m being pulled in a different direction, so right now the goal is to set the office up so that the massage will be my part-time job and the gym will be my main job. Taking a bigger role there, as we’re picking out next year’s team and setting up a 5-6 year old team. Going to spend next week reconfiguring the website for the office to get rid of 2 of our memberships. I have to go in another direction. I also need to bring in folks that can potentially take over the lease. Waffling on whether or not I want it set up in a manner for me to have 2 offices, but as with meditation, that thought just floats in and floats away. No attachment to it, yet. The signs haven’t been there, they’ve been elsewhere.

Speaking of signs…I’m getting better at being more aware of them. Not always sure as to which direction they are intending to point me, but I figure at this point I can treat it like breadcrumbs. Find the ones that strike me in the right manner and keep walking till I find another one and continue on that path. And that’s leading me further and further away from Atlanta. It really is something to think about, I just need to figure out how I’m going to pursue that avenue. I feel I’ve been niched into one place with my work, and I’ve strayed away from the type of work that I got into the field to do in the first place. I’m too separated from my spirituality with it.

Thoughts and ponderings….

Sitting in the room, listening to Led Zeppelin (Pastry got the recent offerings) and reading the remainder of The Upanishads that I haven’t finished. The further realization that I’ve fallen further from the spirituality tree. But I’m turning around. The original thought was to see about spending a week up at the Monastery for a time of silent contemplation with my journals. Then the idea that I think I want to move my yoga program (meaning just me, unless any other instructors want to get in on this) to a donation only set-up. Not necessarily in the realm of seeing if it works, but in thinking how things were done at one point and how we’ve gotten away from that – namely, providing a service for what people could afford. My parents would totally knock me for this, as would some of my friends. But as I sit back and think about it, my life has been a series of financial blunders and worries because of the fact that I put money first. As I’ve started to not do that, things have grown. When I start fretting, things taper off.

I honestly don’t want to live a deep material life. I like my small house, I like my few objects (even though I need to get rid of more of them), and I love my vacation experiences. I like waking up late on Sundays, listening to whatever Pastry feels like putting on the table, and hanging out with my cats or going for a hike in a forest. I like tearing down walls in my house and creating new things. When Spring fully arrives, I will be back out on the patio enjoying the mornings and evenings.

I always joked that I would never know what to do with money if I ever made more thank $20k a year. And I still don’t know what I’d do. Most would go towards my retirement account, maybe save up for that VW camper trailer I want and put some towards a recycled shipping container house in the mountains.

I just find it amazing, thinking about the depths I’ve sunk to, sometimes. Trying to dig myself out, because I don’t trust that it will happen naturally. But as I told my mother today. Trusting in the Universe is a true test, namely because humans inject themselves into the equation and tend to screw things up.

Need to turn that around again. Though, it puts me to the point where I have to decide whether I’m going to be a part of the world, or if I’m going to step back from it. I’d like to be a part on my own terms, but I know that’s a large request. I just hope that opening myself up in that way, regardless how it plays out, is in some manner a benefit instead of a detriment. It also means I’ll have to let go and not attach myself to those who cross my path. Not expecting return from those who are more willing to take than give, the one time it is allowed. And walking away from those who wish to gain by stepping on the backs of others without offering a hand up.

Ugh…

So I’m on day 3 of “how much pain can I take”. Surprisingly, my wisdom tooth socket is only slightly present. It hasn’t given me any trouble, but my face looks like celebrity gone wild at the collagen injection clinic. The new gums look pretty, I can’t brush them yet so they feel really weird. The front teeth are super loose, which worries me and makes me talk funny and eat even funnier. But pain meds are my friends these days. Which sucks because I had the wrong ones at work yesterday. I had the remainder of Pastry’s oxytocin and a half bottle of Motrin. I had grabbed my hydrocodone but forgot to put it in my bag. Needless to say, when I got home I ran to the bottle, downed 2, and then hopped into my Saturday night ritual bath to relax. It irritated me because it meant I missed my co-worker’s after-wedding party for the staff. I wanted to go. But was napping on and off by the time her party started. Pastry set me up with Netflix on his game system and I spent the majority of it watching Blue Bloods. But I am thankful to a husband who asked what I wanted to eat, and when I said Velveeta mac ‘n cheese he went to the store, blinked at the price, and got the fixings to make home made mac ‘n cheese instead.

I purposely kept my work days slow, but even with my spaced out schedule on Saturday, I think I over-did it. Had several talkative clients and didn’t even think about the fact that talking ups the pain level. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle [GI Joe]. Tomorrow I call the Doc to see about a refill, if the pain spikes don’t drop. I only have a couple hydrocodone’s left. I’m also wondering if I should call my ortho and reschedule this week’s appt. I don’t think my mouth can handle getting the wires on the bottom right now. Or maybe I’ll just see if he’ll skip putting them on the front of the bottom teeth for now.

Oh, and the mostly liquid diet, yeah, not working for me. I know with my adrenal fatigue protein and fat meals keep me from going skitzy in the head, but I have to have a little carb in there. Most of the food I have been eating the last couple of days doesn’t fulfill that need. So when I went to pick up my bath bomb at LUSH, I stopped by the pretzel stand and grabbed one. Thank you Auntie Anne, hit the spot.

And in case anyone is wondering, my Dr showed me the step-by-step pics of what she did. The bone graft looked like maggots before she sealed it up, which was interesting. I also had 2 holes at the bottom of my lower jaw. They don’t exist anymore, but they were genetic not anything that I had done, to her knowledge.

And much thanks to friends and bosses who know their pharmacology. I’m never a big fan of drugs, but the last thing I want to do is overdose, but with this I’m not a fan of underdosing either.

Random musings…

Honestly, I don’t really have a whole lot to talk about. I did, but I forgot it all. The main contemplation has been trying to focus in trusting the universe to take care of me, the way it normally does. It’s hard, but I’m taking it one step at a time. Trying to not freak out at every little thing and taking a deep breath. Focus on the small things. The things I can control.

The positive, work is increasing. My fingers are crossed that this will continue and when I do get slammed I am reminding myself that it’s a good thing. Change is happening and in order for the good stuff to come in old things need to be cleared out. My thinking has to change and shift with everything that is happening.

I also need to get out of this rut. Sleeping too much, staying in bed too much. Not sure if it’s winter, or just residuals.