healing

Samhain…

Usually, this time of year is great for me. I don't know if this is the combination of a bunch of stuff colliding and the ensuing chaos is more evident, or just the fact that I am just not handling things all that well.

On the work front, I'm trying to get the yoga program up and running, which requires me to transfer everything over to a new database. That conversion is in the final processes. The downside, getting everyone in the office to use the new system and double check on the old system. That came to a head yesterday, when I asked someone to handle the scheduling, which resulted in me being double booked for tomorrow. The damage control is not to my liking, and right now, I just want to skip today and tomorrow and head to my vacation already.

On the yoga front, I started a 2 week daily yoga practice on Monday. That didn't start off well. I gave my gym a try, because I've had awesome classes at gyms, so I'm not turned off by them. The physical practice was good, but it left my mental state in an absolute jumble and the instructor didn't even give me time to remotely process. So I walked out of class with the view that I am an absolute judgmental bitch. And that is true, I just temper it as I process info. This is the first time I have truly felt that way after a yoga class (since I'm pretty good about just being observant of what I'm feeling and letting it go). It stuck with me. So, day 2 was back to my normal studio. All was righted in the world. Day 3 was amazing. I took the whole day off to prepare for ritual, I wanted to be "in that space". Normally, not a struggle. The class did exactly what I needed it to do, unfortunately, work issues yanked me out of it (see above). I managed to put them on the back burner, not thinking that it would be an issue.

Ritual, still processing, not planning on talking about it.

Damage control, still working on it, client sent an email saying, "So I don't have a massage tomorrow?" Well, yeah, that's what I said. I have a client during the time that you were scheduled because someone didn't look at the master schedule. Instead chose to look at the tertiary schedule that no longer updates, because my schedule has been completely uploaded to the master.

Vacation, I am struggling to not make the decision to work over this weekend. There are things that need to be done, but at the same time, I need a complete break. I haven't had a chance to take a vacation this year, not even something that remotely resembles one. I have not had a day where my brain was no where near my office, and a line HAS TO BE DRAWN. If I do not, I will walk away, and it's not something I want right now.

What I need, someone at the office I can truly depend on for back office related stuff. I do not feel that I have that. Some of it is my failings, for not properly teaching all the stuff that I need, and some of it is being too accepting and generous of where others are in their personal lives. Yes, I need to get someone in there, but I cannot, at this time, justify the cost. And I do not have anything that could remotely justify rewarding a volunteer.

You can’t see me…

Not because I'm invisible, even though I might be, but because you choose to not see me.

That's pretty much a summary of the waters beneath the surface for the past 3 weeks. I'm usually content to be in the background, doing the things I do because it's who I am, or how I choose to express myself. But the one time, the one time, that I made the choice to step up and say "HEY EVERYONE, REALLY LOOK AT ME!!!" I received the biggest smack down I could ever imagine possible. Worse than any of the shit I put up with going through middle and high school (and believe me, not all of it happened at school, so let's just say girls can be bitches and leave it there). So yeah, not planning on doing that ever again. But at least I know who my family consists of, and I'm grateful to them, even if they were part of the reason I broke before I was supposed to. But I shattered and I'm trying to pick up the pieces, little by little. The universe hasn't been totally helpful, because every time I try to take down time to hit up the mountains, or the river, or something; it manages to pop up and say, "Oh, you want time off? You sure about that?" and when I prove that I am, I come back to a clusterfuck bigger than I left to say, "See, you really shouldn't have taken that downtime. Normally, by this point in the year, I've had a month and a half of vacation. It's what keeps me sane, because I really do need 2-3 weeks to decompress from my job. So far, I've had a week and a half – and that wasn't a real, don't deal with anything work-related, vacation. I really need to just hole up in a cabin with no cell signal or wifi. Just me, coffee, a book, nature, and maybe Pastry (if he can get the time off).

I'm finding I need to re-establish my boundaries. I put myself out there for people, for whatever reason, and find that my margin of returns are exceedingly slim. Those who will continue to be blessed by my thoughtfulness are the ones that have shown themselves to return it, in some way – whether it's "paying it forward" or "kicking it back". I love them, and they get it. But I'm really tired of the dead ends. I'm really tired of looking out the window and seeing what is happening outside. The level of stupidity is astounding to the point I want to slam heads against a mirror and say, "What the fuck are you doing? Don't you see what you are doing?" But it would be useless. Very few are interested in self-reflection, and those who don't even consider it till they hit the proverbial wall are so blinded that they don't even know they've hit anything. It's disheartening to me. Depressing.

I have no clue where I'm going with this. I had some totally awesome stuff in my head earlier. Fluid and descriptive. All the stuff my writing professors loved. All the stuff my muse would pour out on to the paper before she was blindsided and muzzled because she "just wasn't good enough". Stupid people. Stupid me.

My office has a purple rug with yellow and lavender flowers on it. That makes me happy. I need more purple and lavender flowers. I need more solitude. Whatever fire is burning inside needs to come out. I can't handle it anymore, I'm tired of containing it within. It's being fed by something I don't know, and something I'm not familiar with. I don't know how to calm it down. And I don't want it to destroy me.

Ramblings…

Not sure what is coming over me, maybe a sense of self-doubt, sense of separation, who knows. Maybe Mercury is just "in retrograde". I feel like there is this wall around me, that just does not allow a real sense of communication or communion. Like there is just not enough time to do what I need to do, to take care of me. Every turn, I'm avoiding social gatherings or not reaching out to friends to hang out, instead opting for solitude. It's taking its toll.

As much as I have been avoiding politics, I am proud to have been able to witness one senator standing up for the founding documents – which he took an oath to uphold and defend – and calling on his fellow congress critters to tell the president that there is a limit to his power, and to tell the other congress critters that there is a limit to their power. It was a bright moment, that I'm sure will dim, but it was one that needed to be seen. Things in this country scare me, where we're going socially and politically. I have no issue with us declining out of the world spotlight, as nature will take its course. But I do have an issue when the founding principles that we were founded upon are looked to as a myth that is not to be upheld or something to strive for, but is instead seen as an old wives tale that is to be passed off as fiction. The memes and the conspiracy theories abound, half truths that only want to speak of the support of one person over another, instead of one idea – liberty. Either we have that, or we do not. And increasingly, we do not. Yet we cheer? I get told that I refuse to take a side or choose a stance, because I'm a middle-roader. But from the middle, the roads slope down to drain the water. That puts me at the high point. I have my stances, I know what I stand for, but I'm a "waffler" because I don't wholly agree with one side or the other. Both sides want to take liberties away, it's just a matter of which liberties they want to take. And I'm for applying and granting as many liberties as possible. I'm ok with personal responsibility and the consequences that come from people not exercising it. But to minimize the consequences because someone else might not be able to handle it does no service to that person, and others who might learn by example. But hey, what do I know?

I'm glad spring is arriving. Coffee on the patio, and maybe this overwhelming sense of stagnation will go away. And maybe I'll learn to better use my time while I wait on my husband to start his day.

Writing….

I need to get better at this, so I'm just typing something since I have time. 🙂 I'm waking up earlier and getting out of bed faster, so my hope is that I'll start to get into the habit of writing something down, and maybe start getting back into the less superficial crap I've been writing. There's a lot that I've been thinking of, 's parting anniversary was a few weeks ago. So that is still in my head, still brings tears to my eyes, and there is stuff to pour out onto this digital paper about it. Yoga stuff to write, some bitch venting about acceptance and the crap I do to myself (which is the hardest part to accept).

But to say life is improving is true. The business is on the up right now. Not where I want it to be, and my scheduling sometimes leaves me hitting myself for failing to maintain my set boundaries. But hey, it happens and I need to learn to get over it. That whole speaking up thing and saying "no" is sometimes still a work in progress. I have amazing co-workers and clients who are more than willing to toss their wisdom at me, with a sense of humour, to try and help me back on track. But I am hopeful at the direction that work is going, and I can't wait to get back to the stuff I do best, integrated therapy.

Also, need to get better about working out, somehow. I've gained more weight than I would like, and lost a lot of muscle in the last few years. And this goes back to my boundaries, because I set time in each day to go to the gym or workout somehow. And when I violate my boundaries, it means that doesn't get done. Yesterday was a big one, and I'm still kicking myself for it. 2 reasons, I felt that my time was not being valued (the client I agreed to take on, last minute, told me one time when we started talking and called back with another time – which totally devoured both my workout time and my lunch) Me, instead of holding to my, "I'm sorry, but that time isn't available" hesitated and said "OK", which threw off my sugar levels for the rest of the day because I had a half-assed snack after the shakes were already starting up. So, the session sucked for me. I didn't feel like I did anything for him. He said he felt better, but obviously wasn't where he wanted to be (but I don't believe he would have been, anyway). Didn't have enough time to really discuss the issue, or what was really going on with him, and that is not how I want those kind of sessions to go, at all. Very disappointed with that. But yeah, "Oh well." Just a good reminder, so a note will get taped to my computer screen, to remind me that my schedule boundaries are there for a justified reason – to provide a quality service, and to keep my mind at peace.

The New Year…

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

"I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life," said Scorpio painter Georgia O'Keeffe, "and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do." I think her declaration is excellent medicine for you. In 2013, you will have great potential for upgrading your relationship with your fears — not necessarily suppressing them or smashing them, but rather using them more consistently as a springboard, capitalizing on the emotions they unleash, and riding the power they motivate you to summon.

FreeWill Astrology

I have no interest in being terrified, but I will definitely admit that I need to get over my avoidance of forgiveness, and finding a way to do so. I've always been aware that it was a process, not something you can force, or give lip-service to, but a full long-term process. For me, it's full of anger, mostly at myself and that causes an inability to forgive others, because I blame myself for whatever the result is/was that got me into the mess. Over the last couple of weeks, it's become pretty obvious that I'm ready to forgive, a little. I need to let it go, a fear that I have no idea where it came from. I'm just tired of the anger, and I'm tired of the passion I used to have no making my heart sing every morning. It has taken a physical toll, I think, and is probably the reason why I have so much trouble waking up in the morning (doesn't help that I stay up too late, either). But the waking up part came before the going to bed late, so I can't really blame the late turn in.

Without further ado…

It has been interesting…

And a hard weekend. The trip out was an effort, as apparently the first flight to Atlanta, from Detroit was delayed by 30 minutes, which meant I missed my connection from LA to Sacramento. So, instead of being in Redding by 4pm, I arrived at around 9pm. Gotta love airport screw-ups that result in an additional 5 hours of travel time.

Anyway, that's not the point. It's been a hard weekend, but a good one. The weather has been chilly and rainy, but at least it was sunny up in Burney. It was nice to re-see some more friends, meet new ones. It was also nice to hear that my parental fears were totally unfounded. They totally loved me, so I now have 3 sets of parents and a totally awesome brother and SIL, that I was finally able to meet. I honestly wished that it had not been in this manner, but I love them anyway.

I am eternally grateful for everything right now.

Not sure what the plans are for today, but I guess I should wake  up before she sleeps the day away.

So, I slept in this morning…

Then preceded to attempt at finding a balance in the latest cheap coffee I bought, will not buy cheap coffee again, least not Arabica cheap coffee. I've discovered that I much prefer the gentle wood scents of Sumatra, Arabica smells like Starbucks.

While doing that, I managed to not really check facebook, so much as I responded to a message about the upcoming Equinox ritual tomorrow night. I'm filling the priestess role and my brain is still in yogaland – but at least said brain is functioning. Instead, I grabbed my book and headed out on the patio, after prepping the chairs with their mats and cleaning off the patio from my adventures in sawing window props from my old closet shelves (BTW, I still have a bathroom mirror to whoever wishes to give it a good home, since Pastry won't let me crack it an either make art out of it or send it to the landfill). Lost track of time and spent a good 3 hours out there reading. It's the first time, since I'd bought this place, that I've spent that much time out there. No music, no podcasts, just birds and cats chasing carpenter bees. And has anyone else realized, how stupid carpenter bees can be? They fly around like they have a broken horizon and bounce into things. Knowing how a bee's eye is set up, I can understand that whole "seeing triple" issue, but really, I'd think they could see in 3D.

Yoga stuffs, cut for your sanity…

Death, love and rock and roll…

It seems that death is all over the place lately. Every time I turn my head someone else has left this plane, so there is a lot of sadness all around me. I am in a good place to deal with it, as some while sad, was a welcome relief from the person's suffering. I'm not sure if all of this has something to do with the overwhelming dream world I've been experiencing. It's welcome, as I wake up with knowledge that I have dreamed, vs the last 5 years or so, where I couldn't even begin to think I had a dream. I like it, and my body is liking it.

I bought my tickets to head out to CA.  will be picking me up, and then we'll be heading up to 's blot/memorial. I just need to remember to pack my mead, my grove brother made it for me for a "special occasion" and I figure this is the best occasion for it. Hope it has aged well, as it's from 2007. Though, I think Thorn would get a huge giggle if it's not, as he was the one who introduced me to mead, in hopes that I would like it (I'm allergic to grain alcohol). But it will be nice to finally meet everyone, regardless the circumstances. I also think he'd love the fact that all of us are getting together and sharing the love – and probably some loud death metal.

Return of anxiety????

I have no idea what is going on, I'm anxious, and the latter part of my digestive process are not happy with it. This is the first time in months that I've felt this, and prior to YTT it was the result of overwhelming amounts of stress. There's only one thing I'm stressed about right now (wild guess), and that's never changed, but it's never caused this kind of reaction. I'm also starting to get heart flutters again, which is really odd, as I cut caffeine about the same time these symptoms went away. Adrenals are back on hyper-alert, I'm constantly thinking about BJJ tournaments and other adrenaline related things. But when I meditate it's like all of that never even happened. My brain is completely clear, I'm not fluttering through every little detail of every little thing. My asana practice has improved, managed a 2 hour practice last night and was completely focused and observant about what was going on with the body. No outside thoughts, other than Lexus wanting to share savasana with my head. Hell, even got a ILS muscle release with supported fish. But no conscious direction on what's going on with the tummy.

Maybe it's just too much going on right now. Trying to plan my weekend jaunt to Burney, CA and the trip to France to pick up the Pastry (both of which are the cause of stress). But it needs to be done, IMO, neither is something that I can skip or delay, at this point.

I guess I could also say that I'm a bit worried and placing more pressure on myself than needed. For multiple, natural, reasons, I have to step into Priestess mode. Hell, I've been training for this, and it's been part of my path. When first asked it was a natural answer and progression so it wasn't anything to worry about. Now, there's more to it than just leading a ritual, I'm stepping in as an actual life role and my brain didn't really wrap around that aspect at the time. And words have failed me more times than I have liked in the last few weeks.

But at least my closet is looking better. Need to take panoramic pictures of it. And by May I can stop being online all the time.

In reading through back posts…

I found this:
I want to scream to my heart's content from the building tops where I land.
I want to yell, "I love you" to the world, from a cliff, and hear the world yell it back.
I want to stand at sunrise, on a beach with the in-tide teasing my feet, as dolphins ask me to play with them.
I want to wake up every day, in love with something new.
I want to see myself in the mirror, and have my jaw drop in awe at what is standing before me.
I want to look at the stars, and be in awe at their infinite beauty, instead of the fear of the infinite.
I want to be able to love, and show it, without facing the fear of those who fear it.
I want to dive to the earth, and not fear hitting it.
I want to swim in the ocean, and not fear drowning.
I want to drown in the experience of life, as if it's a sweet wine I can't get enough of.
I want to find a dance partner, who'd fill up my card, regardless the music or their dancing ability.
I want to stare across a desert with a friend, who can see the beauty I see, and fall in love with it.
I want to be lost, even for a moment, in the being of someone merged with me.
I want to know, that all of this is possible.
So far, I have succeeded in doing several of these things. And I'm happy to know that they did happen, even if it took shake up, to remember that they did. I'm sorry I had forgotten, so thank you for reminding me.