thorn

Writing….

I need to get better at this, so I'm just typing something since I have time. 🙂 I'm waking up earlier and getting out of bed faster, so my hope is that I'll start to get into the habit of writing something down, and maybe start getting back into the less superficial crap I've been writing. There's a lot that I've been thinking of, 's parting anniversary was a few weeks ago. So that is still in my head, still brings tears to my eyes, and there is stuff to pour out onto this digital paper about it. Yoga stuff to write, some bitch venting about acceptance and the crap I do to myself (which is the hardest part to accept).

But to say life is improving is true. The business is on the up right now. Not where I want it to be, and my scheduling sometimes leaves me hitting myself for failing to maintain my set boundaries. But hey, it happens and I need to learn to get over it. That whole speaking up thing and saying "no" is sometimes still a work in progress. I have amazing co-workers and clients who are more than willing to toss their wisdom at me, with a sense of humour, to try and help me back on track. But I am hopeful at the direction that work is going, and I can't wait to get back to the stuff I do best, integrated therapy.

Also, need to get better about working out, somehow. I've gained more weight than I would like, and lost a lot of muscle in the last few years. And this goes back to my boundaries, because I set time in each day to go to the gym or workout somehow. And when I violate my boundaries, it means that doesn't get done. Yesterday was a big one, and I'm still kicking myself for it. 2 reasons, I felt that my time was not being valued (the client I agreed to take on, last minute, told me one time when we started talking and called back with another time – which totally devoured both my workout time and my lunch) Me, instead of holding to my, "I'm sorry, but that time isn't available" hesitated and said "OK", which threw off my sugar levels for the rest of the day because I had a half-assed snack after the shakes were already starting up. So, the session sucked for me. I didn't feel like I did anything for him. He said he felt better, but obviously wasn't where he wanted to be (but I don't believe he would have been, anyway). Didn't have enough time to really discuss the issue, or what was really going on with him, and that is not how I want those kind of sessions to go, at all. Very disappointed with that. But yeah, "Oh well." Just a good reminder, so a note will get taped to my computer screen, to remind me that my schedule boundaries are there for a justified reason – to provide a quality service, and to keep my mind at peace.

Today is…

Thorn’s birthday. Not sure how I feel, because there is a mixture of happy and sad today. Been thinking about him all day, no matter what, because my posts to him won’t be returned with a thanks of any sort. But…I did find 2 mantids last night on my blackberry bush. One of them had just molted and the other one was preparing to. This morning they were overly active, which meant they needed to move to a bigger bush (the roses) so the Pneus didn’t get them, and they needed to go outside. So that’s my positive for the day. Also, went and hung out with L, to check in on her post-op. She’s doing ok, feeling like shit, but I was there for the PT and a few other things. I’m proud of her, even though she’s having a time of it, because she’s progressing.

I think that’s another thing I’ll take away from Thorn…his love of his friends, and the fact that sometimes I can just be a mindless imp. But I think that’s because I just fail at letting everyone know when I’m thinking of them (which is pretty much every day). The checklist running through my head isn’t what I have to do, it’s everyone who has been in my life. Whether it’s wondering what they’re up to, or just smiling at whatever memory has arrived. There are very few people who are banned from my memories, even though their name will pass unattached through my head.

So…please know, even if we don’t talk, I am thinking about you. Everyone, even the random folks I’ve known since kindergarten. And I still know your name, it just might take me a few minutes to get out of my mouth.

With that said, tonight, just lift a glass and toast all your friends who have made a difference in your life, whether it was a compliment or a slap upside the head that righted you. They made a difference.

It has been interesting…

And a hard weekend. The trip out was an effort, as apparently the first flight to Atlanta, from Detroit was delayed by 30 minutes, which meant I missed my connection from LA to Sacramento. So, instead of being in Redding by 4pm, I arrived at around 9pm. Gotta love airport screw-ups that result in an additional 5 hours of travel time.

Anyway, that's not the point. It's been a hard weekend, but a good one. The weather has been chilly and rainy, but at least it was sunny up in Burney. It was nice to re-see some more friends, meet new ones. It was also nice to hear that my parental fears were totally unfounded. They totally loved me, so I now have 3 sets of parents and a totally awesome brother and SIL, that I was finally able to meet. I honestly wished that it had not been in this manner, but I love them anyway.

I am eternally grateful for everything right now.

Not sure what the plans are for today, but I guess I should wake  up before she sleeps the day away.

So, I slept in this morning…

Then preceded to attempt at finding a balance in the latest cheap coffee I bought, will not buy cheap coffee again, least not Arabica cheap coffee. I've discovered that I much prefer the gentle wood scents of Sumatra, Arabica smells like Starbucks.

While doing that, I managed to not really check facebook, so much as I responded to a message about the upcoming Equinox ritual tomorrow night. I'm filling the priestess role and my brain is still in yogaland – but at least said brain is functioning. Instead, I grabbed my book and headed out on the patio, after prepping the chairs with their mats and cleaning off the patio from my adventures in sawing window props from my old closet shelves (BTW, I still have a bathroom mirror to whoever wishes to give it a good home, since Pastry won't let me crack it an either make art out of it or send it to the landfill). Lost track of time and spent a good 3 hours out there reading. It's the first time, since I'd bought this place, that I've spent that much time out there. No music, no podcasts, just birds and cats chasing carpenter bees. And has anyone else realized, how stupid carpenter bees can be? They fly around like they have a broken horizon and bounce into things. Knowing how a bee's eye is set up, I can understand that whole "seeing triple" issue, but really, I'd think they could see in 3D.

Yoga stuffs, cut for your sanity…

Death, love and rock and roll…

It seems that death is all over the place lately. Every time I turn my head someone else has left this plane, so there is a lot of sadness all around me. I am in a good place to deal with it, as some while sad, was a welcome relief from the person's suffering. I'm not sure if all of this has something to do with the overwhelming dream world I've been experiencing. It's welcome, as I wake up with knowledge that I have dreamed, vs the last 5 years or so, where I couldn't even begin to think I had a dream. I like it, and my body is liking it.

I bought my tickets to head out to CA.  will be picking me up, and then we'll be heading up to 's blot/memorial. I just need to remember to pack my mead, my grove brother made it for me for a "special occasion" and I figure this is the best occasion for it. Hope it has aged well, as it's from 2007. Though, I think Thorn would get a huge giggle if it's not, as he was the one who introduced me to mead, in hopes that I would like it (I'm allergic to grain alcohol). But it will be nice to finally meet everyone, regardless the circumstances. I also think he'd love the fact that all of us are getting together and sharing the love – and probably some loud death metal.

Return of anxiety????

I have no idea what is going on, I'm anxious, and the latter part of my digestive process are not happy with it. This is the first time in months that I've felt this, and prior to YTT it was the result of overwhelming amounts of stress. There's only one thing I'm stressed about right now (wild guess), and that's never changed, but it's never caused this kind of reaction. I'm also starting to get heart flutters again, which is really odd, as I cut caffeine about the same time these symptoms went away. Adrenals are back on hyper-alert, I'm constantly thinking about BJJ tournaments and other adrenaline related things. But when I meditate it's like all of that never even happened. My brain is completely clear, I'm not fluttering through every little detail of every little thing. My asana practice has improved, managed a 2 hour practice last night and was completely focused and observant about what was going on with the body. No outside thoughts, other than Lexus wanting to share savasana with my head. Hell, even got a ILS muscle release with supported fish. But no conscious direction on what's going on with the tummy.

Maybe it's just too much going on right now. Trying to plan my weekend jaunt to Burney, CA and the trip to France to pick up the Pastry (both of which are the cause of stress). But it needs to be done, IMO, neither is something that I can skip or delay, at this point.

I guess I could also say that I'm a bit worried and placing more pressure on myself than needed. For multiple, natural, reasons, I have to step into Priestess mode. Hell, I've been training for this, and it's been part of my path. When first asked it was a natural answer and progression so it wasn't anything to worry about. Now, there's more to it than just leading a ritual, I'm stepping in as an actual life role and my brain didn't really wrap around that aspect at the time. And words have failed me more times than I have liked in the last few weeks.

But at least my closet is looking better. Need to take panoramic pictures of it. And by May I can stop being online all the time.

In reading through back posts…
I found this:
I want to scream to my heart's content from the building tops where I land.
I want to yell, "I love you" to the world, from a cliff, and hear the world yell it back.
I want to stand at sunrise, on a beach with the in-tide teasing my feet, as dolphins ask me to play with them.
I want to wake up every day, in love with something new.
I want to see myself in the mirror, and have my jaw drop in awe at what is standing before me.
I want to look at the stars, and be in awe at their infinite beauty, instead of the fear of the infinite.
I want to be able to love, and show it, without facing the fear of those who fear it.
I want to dive to the earth, and not fear hitting it.
I want to swim in the ocean, and not fear drowning.
I want to drown in the experience of life, as if it's a sweet wine I can't get enough of.
I want to find a dance partner, who'd fill up my card, regardless the music or their dancing ability.
I want to stare across a desert with a friend, who can see the beauty I see, and fall in love with it.
I want to be lost, even for a moment, in the being of someone merged with me.
I want to know, that all of this is possible.
So far, I have succeeded in doing several of these things. And I'm happy to know that they did happen, even if it took shake up, to remember that they did. I'm sorry I had forgotten, so thank you for reminding me.

I think I’m numb…

Maybe I'm just masking a lot of stuff at this point, doing my best to distract myself, I guess. I don't think I've actually sat down in a quiet space in a day or two. Haven't had time, been either busy, or….distracted. I'm still very sad, going through everything just to find snippets. Thinking of all fun and stupid stuff, like him dropping me on my ass as he piggy-backed me to my mailbox. He was horrified and I was laughing my ass off – literally. The time I was scared to death that I had made a bad impression when he finally introduced me to his parents, mainly because they made a huge turkey, and I couldn't eat enough of it – along with a few other issues that every insecure girl would worry about. The one that cracks me up the most, he wasn't even present for….when I finally landed a job at CNN, I set my browser to pull up his AOL profile, so I could have a picture of him with me at all time. Unfortunately, I forgot about that when I took my laptop into a presentation. In front of all the vendors, I pulled up my presentation and there was Thorn, in his black and white frowning greatness staring out from the abyss at them. On the big screen. Let's just say, that was learning moment. At which point I got a printed picture and hung it on my cork board next to my computer screen.

I should have tried to get out there more often. There was no reason for me not to head north at all, when I was out for competitions. We always talked about it.

At least we always have Ozzy, Pantera, and a black trench coat….Oh yeah, and the freaky guy with the forked tongue, literally. I think both of us got the shivers from that one.

I think he also set my fetish for Vikings, he very much was one, even though he'd never been over there. I hope he's sailing the fjords now, they're so beautiful and amazing. He would have felt completely at home there.

Dear Universe,

I get that you are trying to convince me to quit bending over and taking an ass-raping when I do things with my friends. But would you be so kind as to bless my friends with both the memory that they owe me money, and the good fortune for them to have enough to pay me back? I’m really getting sick of this crap, especially when I’m the one that makes the least amount of money out of all of them (and now have the highest amount of credit card debt).

Thanks.

Dear Presidential Candidates,

You both screwed the pooch in your debate. One of you I would never vote for, even under pain of death by a hot poker being rammed up my ass. The other, had potential because I believe in his ideals put forth a couple of weeks ago. But ideals do not the President make. And quite honestly, I’m not into being skull fucked, or anally raped. So pat yourselves on the back, I’m not voting for you.

Sincerely,
Someone who believes in the ideals of our founding fathers.