love letters

A little over a year ago I rescued a Southern Flying Squirrel. My cats started bringing them in 2 Februarys ago, in their baby stages. The first one came in on the back of its momma and only lived a couple of days. I didn’t know much then, but I learned quickly.

Our next one was Tiny One. She was old enough to have fur, but wasn’t quite old enough to be romping around without mom. So we kept her warm, fed her, and soon she was tormenting the cats thinking they were playmates.

As she grew we eventually gave her one of the spare rooms in our house. Her and her sister (another that the cats brought in, but was intended to be released once the hard freeze was over) were constantly heard jumping around the obstacle course we created for them. Eventually, Little escaped, finding some space between the drywall in the closet to the attic. From there she chewed a hole and out she went.

Tiny stayed and moved back into her bachelorette pad that consisted of a towel folded over a clothes hanging rod filled with pillow stuffing. She loved June bugs and thought cicadas were the most prized delicacy when we were able to catch them for her.

In Little’s escape, another squirrel showed up and was caught up in the live trap we put up. Since there was a hole, there was a good chance she was going to come back, so into the room she went. Call placed to have the hole blocked and in that time, we suddenly had 4 babies join the family. So momma and kids stayed. Tiny eventually became the awesome aunt until it was time for them to go outside.

A couple of weeks ago, I started repeatedly catching another squirrel in the trap. So, same thing occurs. Call placed, waiting on the person to come patch the hole. But this time Tiny didn’t get to play the awesome aunt. We don’t know what exactly happened, but I found her unresponsive and I’m choosing to believe it was natural and not from a fight between them. I’m overwhelmed with grief, as during the short lifespan she was an anchor as I lost 2 cats that I’ve had for the last 20 years. Her squirreliness and love of climbing all over me, hiding nuts in my hair and all over my clothes, brought some kind of peace to what I was feeling.

Watching her learn to fly was even more awesome. Her and Little used to chase each other up my legs and onto my shoulders where they would jump and fly off to a shelf or the floor, then turn around and run back up. Just like kids who discover sledding or the most awesome slide in the world. The same went when I brought in her favourite bugs or nuts. You could see the absolute joy in her being when she realized what was in front of her.

I’m trying to come to terms with everything. Part of me is saying that this is just nature cycling, as the other squirrel has yet to return to my attic, despite the hole still being somewhere. The fact that it was on Imbolc when I found her and our running joke was that she put out in squirrel mail that we were awesome folks who were willing to take care of them during winter resulted in additional guests during the cold snaps.

But you never know what’s going to worm its way into your heart. And it’s hard to think I can’t walk into her room and have a face hugger coming at my head from the closet anymore (it was her favourite thing to do to us when we walked in). Or holding one of my cats and watching her jump on the cat’s face and sniff her then bound away.

I take solace in the fact that my cats no longer kill them and bring them in. My oldest brings me the baby babies (last one had just gotten its fur, but only lasted a couple of hours). But since Little, they haven’t brought any in that were harmed.

Never far from heart or head, forever in love…
My dearest Thorn,
I know I wrote you a beautiful love letter years ago, but it was something you have in your possession, not one that I can share with the world, now. So today, I'm writing you another one. I know it's too late, now, but I know that these words will reach you, in whichever hall you have been welcomed into, in Asgard.

Words cannot convey everything I have felt for you, over the years. But pure love is the source of all of those feelings. As you said in a letter to me, 12 years ago, it wasn't that "we were together or that we met, but how we found each other, melded bodies, spirits…" And we were. We became part of each other, parts that could never be separated from the other. Over the years, the time and distance did separate us, but no matter what, my thoughts were always coming back to you, and I could always feel you with me. Even through the darkest times I've faced, your calm voice was always at the end of the phone when I least expected it.

Our relationship changed over time, but the feelings were still there. Deeper and more profound than anything I have ever experienced. Smiling and throwing good vibes at every positive change in each other's lives. Offering kind words and virtual hugs whenever those positives turned course and were infiltrated by something negative. We worked healing magic on each other, whenever wounds were opened or festered.

We've come a long way, since we were two kids trying to heal from our first loves, finding strength and love in each other, till we became strong enough to branch out and spread that to other people who needed it. Always, always in each other's hearts.

Today, I shed tears; not because your light has not gone out, but because it shines in a different way, in a different land. The gods have called you home, I'm sure for an important reason, but your love remains. It's here in everyone you have touched in your short life, and it's here in my heart. Time and distance are, as you said, frivolities. 
I'm sure Odin will allow a daughter of the Morrigan to visit you some day. Till then, prepare for your battles, perfect your pranks and learn the tricks of successfully allowing people their own enlightenment. You will be well missed my love, but you live on.

Thorn Lokisson 1975-2012

For the one who possesses my heart…

When I met you, I had given up on the idea of ever opening the doors of my heart again, to another human. But for some reason, the night I met you made me change my mind. There was something that you brought with you, that I could never quite make out. Your silent, but quiet understanding of everything I said. As we finally started talking, I found a long lost friend whose story I already knew and who truly understood me. I found a natural pattern that unfolded between us, nothing that really required much explanation and the things that did were met with an understanding that I have never been a part of. It was amazing.

I haven’t regretted anything between us, nor would I change any part of our journey to this day. Our angry silences have brought us to a greater understanding of ourselves and each other. Our joyous adventures have been absolutely amazing and have opened me up to a greater part of myself and the beauty that is around me. I cannot conceive of a time when I was not with you. Time has been endless and seems like every Sunday is a breakfast on the patio with music in the background or dancing in the evening, and a constant laugh always happening

You are amazing and I love that our souls sing in duet and our eyes give our hearts the same joy at the same vision.

I looked into your eyes, deep into the depths of my soul and found myself amidst the darkness. Smiling as the winds of anger swirled around me, unscathed. Laughing at all that was and will never be again. Finding myself free within your love, drowning in a happiness all too easily forgotten. ~Tummanq

For the one who holds my soul…

Every day, I look at you and see the beauty of you, the kindness and generousity that attracted me to you. You were the bright and shiney diamond among a bag full of coal, I saw in you, everything that you are, and everything that those you seek don’t see. I loved you, before you even really knew who I was, before I called you on my first day at work, to meet up for coffee.

I look at you now, and see the same person, only tortured by the fact that someone who sees all that beauty and love in you, is also the one who is not right for you. I wanted, for so long, to believe that I could be everything you needed, and that I could give all of myself to you. I found I was wrong. Whether it was because I was young and needed to live in my world, or just because this is the way I will be forever. Every day, I want to reach out and hold you. Show you I still love you, but know that doing so, will hurt even more. I feel selfish, because I know I just won’t be hurting you, I’ll be hurting me as well. I know I can’t have you, and I know that the dream of us forever, is just a dream. As much as I want that to be reality, I see the rocky roads we’ve been down together, the grass covered prairies where we could smile and enjoy each other, and the dark forests where our souls were the most evil. While we may not have been meant for each other, we were meant to be together. The bond we have is a strong one, as much as I fear the breaking of it in the future.

I remember all the times, where you chastized me, for wearing my heart on my sleeve and letting it run towards something faster than my head. I always fought back, because I wanted to feel and experience something, more than I wanted to learn first. I am always the impulsive one, whereas you were the logical think first one. I sit back now, and see that we are starting to reverse. I have become the one that sits back and watches, moving slowly, and watching as you start your path towards reconciling your emotional self. Holding it in has been too much for you, and I become amazed at who you are now, even in your passion, I find you beautiful, more than ever. I saw you this morning, curled up and hair rustled as you snuck deeper under your covers, and I loved you. I loved all of you, including the parts that drive me nuts. And I told you, and you told me you loved me too. You are the most beautiful thing to me, in all the awkwardness and fumbling around each other, you are perfection, and I love you for it.

My dearest….

 This is a letter I have been trying to write for about a month now.  At first, the thoughts flooded my pen and became jumbled, in trying to write down all that is indescribable.  Then, they became blocked with things that were dark and hidden.  But now, I sit back and imagine being in your arms again, feeling everything just melt away from me as I inhale your scent and begin to disappear into your existence.  Closing my eyes and just feeling completely at peace in total love for you.  I have no fear there, of you, of how I feel, or even of what may yet come.  I just exist in that small moment of time, as if it were eternity, not screaming with pure joy, but singing in the soft tones of a lullaby.

In the past, you have brought me confusion.  Not because you were someone I could not have, but because you brought me to a place in myself I have never been before.  My only means of describing the sense of overwhelming joy and peace, was that this must be Nirvana.  That place within myself, where the world just made absolute sense and I was connected to and in love with all of it.  Of all the things I have studied to reach this point, the simplest means was the acceptance and openness I felt from you. 

For a while, after realizing what was happening, I stood at the edge of the calm eye of the storm around me.  Tempted by the chaos in the winds, but taunting them myself, by standing there and just letting them whip around me.  I know, that those winds cannot overpower me.  My love for you and all that is beautiful within you is a strength of its own and has allowed me to find my own strength again.  At one point, I was consumed by everything, the way the ocean can consume everything that ventures into it.  But instead of running from it, I found the joy in letting the waves wash over me and play with me as they pleased.  In turn, playing with them myself, and finding a new companion that was separate and a part of me, all at once.  Just as I feel you are separate, yet a part of me and always with me. 

Because of that, I want to love you. I want to love you even more, not just as a part of everything around me, but as who you are at the core of your being, as the person who stands before me. I want to love your smile, the feel of your fingers tracing against my skin, the warmth of your body holding me as I fall asleep and just the presence of being next to you. I want to love the sparkle within the clouds of your eyes, which drives you through each day. I want to love your soul, and everything that it contains, but I don’t want you to fear that love and I don’t want you to fear me because of it. There are no rules in how I feel, especially what I all I feel for you and what all I want to share with you. There is no obligation or requirement that comes with it.  I just want you to enjoy being loved, and enjoy the world that I see, because of you, and to share it all with me.  

Driving around Mayretta, today, I got to thinking. Of course, for some reason it was kicked off by listening to Tyr, one of their ballads, and remembering one of the Marine’s tattoo, then remembering him. Yeah, weird thing, remembering a Latino guy listening to Norse music, shoot me. Anyway….

Dear Mike-
I still smile when I think of you, like I said I would, and sometimes wonder what you’re up to. I wanted to say that I understand why you refused to say goodbye to me, because that’s a signal of finality. The end to another chapter in a long book. But that’s ok. We were kidding ourselves when we skirted the issue that last day, because we were saying goodbye. I know, that I will never see you again, unless by chance we end up in the same city. For a while, I did try to look for you, hoping to at least find out if you were well. I know you’re happy, hell, I would be to, if I were getting out of a state I hated and doing the job I was trained to do. But I do miss you. I know it’s weird, because I shouldn’t, but I do. I guess that comes with the territory of being the one that stoked the Marine fetish. You were a comfort to hang with, lived experiences I’ll never have, but were willing to share. It was even fun discussing how to prepare various worms and crunchy bugs for eating, in the middle of a restaurant. I also miss the concerts, haven’t yet found someone to go with me to some of the off-the-wall ones, yet.

Anyway, I hope you’re enjoying yourself, and the gf-person didn’t smash the boarhead. I hope it’s happily sitting on your kitchen table with an apple shoved in its mouth. Just wanted to say goodbye, thanks for coming into my life when you did, it was a fun ride.