My habits have been slow in coming, but in reflection of the last couple of weeks I’m finding it to not be like massage school, where the layers were peeled back. Instead of removing layers, this seems more akin to a cherry pitter, poking directly into the source and working its way out. This is the first time, in a long time, where tears just come. Normally, that is the result of seeking the result, either through repeated viewing of sad movies or listening to emotion evoking music. But it’s nice, to feel a tear, and not feel like it’s trying to stay in my tear ducts. I know I’m shutting a lot of pain up inside, my writing has been clogged (as the emptiness of this journal shows) and I feel like I’ve stunted myself in some way. The words don’t flow in the rivers previously known, nor do they just attach to the paper I carry with me. I’m still trying to get past that period where I always had someone questioning what I wrote and not leaving it simply as me expressing myself.
healing
Yoga
So, the next 4 months are going to be seriously committed to yoga. More than likely, if I do write anything, semi-publically, it’ll probably be about that. So fore-warning. I’m predicting most of it will be under a cut to save you guys, some is going to be under the inner sanctum locks and some probably won’t be written here at all.
I’m also going to be taking long breaks from technology, with the exception of communicating with my immediate family and reading from time to time. So if I miss something, please email or text it to me. I do want to keep up with you all, but this is going to be some intense inner work. I’m really hoping to get over the last remaining issues of my 20s and early 30s, since I want to go into my mid-late 30s and 40s without all that residual anger.
If you all are interested in a yoga filter, let me know and I’ll create one. That way those who want to read my spoutings can, and those who don’t can miss it. This goes for Fb’ers as well, because I can cross post to filters, there.
I am a high maintenance person
This has been in my head for a while, just haven’t had the opportunity to write it down….
Obligatory birthday post
This morning, at 1something AM, I turned 33. This is the first year since I started acknowledging this day, again, that I have nothing planned (except some post-election celebratory foodage with friends – that has nothing to do with my birthday). Instead, I’m working, which is odd, and doing some reflection (in fact, this post is starting at 1:04am on 11/2). When I started this decade, I thought I was moving into something grander than what my 20s were about. Something about finding my course and starting out on the path that was mapped out during that wonderful decade. I’ve grown past the need to heal and step forward from that nightmare, looking at the joy and sunshine that actually existed.
Instead, 2 years ago, I was sitting in my room on the 8th floor of a hostel overlooking one of the most beautiful cities in the world wondering what in the hell I was really searching for and whether or not it would be worth making the trip home. In that weekend, I learned to stop letting things get away from me without saying anything and start recognizing the truth that was in front of me. That was my map, half of my own doing, and half of circumstance. Regardless, the hell I went through, that year, I don’t regret it.
Anyway, today is mostly a reflection (it’s Nov. 3, 3.49pm EST), the day is rainy, my office is cold and I was just informed that my gas won’t be turned on till Dec. 1. Chase is a bitch and I had to yell at them this morning. There was no stoup for me today, as the Biscuit was closed (but Kroger makes a very, very yummy chilli). The positive – my credit card machine arrived and it’s charging. I’m reading through the fun stuff and should be able to run all charges tomorrow. Tonight is dinner with friends, to celebrate the actual change that has occurred in DC (though, not near enough, maybe next election cycle).
And no, this post did not go where I was wanting it to go. Oh well, Geek Depresif. 😉
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Oh summer….
I’ve decided that Tuesdays are pretty much a no work day, similar to Sunday. It’s reserved for emergency clients only because I realize how much I need down time. I’ve been moving into that thing that I never wanted to become…a workaholic. And it’s detracted from my whole goal in balancing that work/personal experience thing.
I’m also stuck not doing the thing I really enjoy and find that I end up sitting on my ass doing nothing, instead of being active and having fun because I’m too tired from either being constantly on my feet and moving, or sitting around in an office doing nothing. Which I hate more than anything else, as it encourages me to be lazy.
I want to do more writing, but the creativity is not there, the head is not open because it’s clouded with all this work stuff and worry. Almost feels like someone stuffed me in a straight jacket and just keeps tightening the straps. Every time I try to get back to the gym, something comes up that prevents me from going, I can’t complain much because the money is needed, but I find it hard to tell myself to be patient for a bit longer. It almost feels like an exercise in futility. Where am I supposed to draw the line where I’ve been patient enough? I know where I’m going to draw it, but why do others seem to think I should hang on longer? Just too many questions, with very few answers.
Can’t wait to have the house pretty much finished. That will open up mornings. But at least the HVAC system has been installed…now I just need to get the digital thermostat. Have I mentioned how much I hate analog ones? They’re so inaccurate.
Word of the month = STRESS!
Closing was supposed to be Friday past, but it’s been changed to this week, whenever we finish the loan paperwork. *le sigh* One of my external contracts has paid up and is current, still waiting on the other two (one just likes to wait till the invoice due date, the other is LATE). I’m tired of house stuff shopping, in fact, I’m exhausted by it. I’m down to emailing Lord Govannan and see if he can make some end tables for me, because I don’t want Target or Ikea standard, and I don’t feel like paying $200 for one end table that’s not custom made. I sucked up my sore feet and went to the floor store, I’m liking the bamboo flooring, but need to talk with my training partner about that stuff. Then it’s going to be down to the colouring and the finishing to avoid Elan messes staining things. I’m coming to grips with the fact that the immediate renovations I want are going to have to be put on hold, and the fact that my emergency account will be non-existent till I can re-save money to put back into it, as what’s left in it is going to AMEX (fuck you Chase, and your little dog, too). But, this will give me a $200/mth leeway after all is said and done, so savings, no problem, contracts not paying up on time, no problem.
Anyway, tonight is Judo class #2. I like the way it’s working out my body, and I don’t have to worry about getting nailed across the face. It’s actually doing more for my hip movement than kickboxing did, even though I need to get back to that for the flexibility aspect. I can’t wait for vacation….
Today, I’m going to wax poetic with de Vinci. It will be my first trip to the High since I’ve moved here (yeah, 10 years and I’m finally visiting the worthwhile tourist stuff). It’s my present to myself, since I didn’t go anywhere this year. I’m determined, next time I go to France, to visit Chateau du Clos Luce and see the de Vinci exhibits there.
I’m feeling reflective today, sorting through more issues to figure out how to move forward, reconcile myself to some sort of acceptance of this past year. The highs have definitely been awesome and I welcome that the winds have been kind enough to push me in the directions and I was able to recognize and submit to those. I can’t even begin to describe the level of happiness that those changes have brought me. But the lows that preceded were horrible.
I guess I should do some kind of update, of sorts. At the base of it all, life is doing pretty good. As always, near Samhain, endings and beginnings occur, work really kicks in and all that fun jazz. I’m hoping this winter the muse hits me up again, time to start getting back to the regular meditation habit and yoga habit. I might have to suck it up and make sure I get to Suri’s classes on Mondays (if she’s still hosting them). I’m still holding back on a good amount of things, half because they aren’t for public topic of discussion, and the other because it’s just not really worth discussing (how’s that for cryptic?).
On the flip-side, tonight I really crack down on the business stuffs. I need to write out a full CV along with the whole story behind SMB Integration and where it’s going. That whole process was side-tracked by some stupid shit and some more serious shit.
Your fingers tracing ribbons across my skin, punctuated by your lips creating bows. Binding me in the waves of passion flowing upon the winds of your soft breath. Unlocked only by the key of your love, awakening the life within me, unwrapping me with careful precision. ~mon coeur
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