Today, I’m going to wax poetic with de Vinci. It will be my first trip to the High since I’ve moved here (yeah, 10 years and I’m finally visiting the worthwhile tourist stuff). It’s my present to myself, since I didn’t go anywhere this year. I’m determined, next time I go to France, to visit Chateau du Clos Luce and see the de Vinci exhibits there.
I’m feeling reflective today, sorting through more issues to figure out how to move forward, reconcile myself to some sort of acceptance of this past year. The highs have definitely been awesome and I welcome that the winds have been kind enough to push me in the directions and I was able to recognize and submit to those. I can’t even begin to describe the level of happiness that those changes have brought me. But the lows that preceded were horrible.
This time last year, I spent the majority of my time wondering what the hell I was doing and what exactly I was waiting for, what exactly I was expecting to change. Early this year, my thoughts were confirmed. I can’t even get up the desire to fully verbalize exactly how I was feeling, and that is what I need to reconcile. All I can say is anger, loss, futility, anger and something else that I can’t quite put my finger on. The only way I can honestly describe that feeling is the fact that I felt like I had been completely dropped. Like leaning on a wall and being too far from it or going to sit down in a chair that isn’t there, when you’re truly exhausted. But as always, the darkness has to precede the dawn. I mourned, I ignored and in the darkness I found a hand to help me up. The rest of this year has been filled with passion, love, acceptance and support. It has been the most amazing feeling I have ever had. For once in my life, I honestly feel secure and confident, in knowing that I will finally be held up whenever I trip and fall into that pit. I finally feel understood, never having to really explain myself, outside of seeking more understanding. And that is just amazing.