Author: Saille

Who am I? On the surface I'm a nature-loving dirt worshipping hippy in search of a good adrenaline rush. That's all I have for now.

Today is…

Thorn’s birthday. Not sure how I feel, because there is a mixture of happy and sad today. Been thinking about him all day, no matter what, because my posts to him won’t be returned with a thanks of any sort. But…I did find 2 mantids last night on my blackberry bush. One of them had just molted and the other one was preparing to. This morning they were overly active, which meant they needed to move to a bigger bush (the roses) so the Pneus didn’t get them, and they needed to go outside. So that’s my positive for the day. Also, went and hung out with L, to check in on her post-op. She’s doing ok, feeling like shit, but I was there for the PT and a few other things. I’m proud of her, even though she’s having a time of it, because she’s progressing.

I think that’s another thing I’ll take away from Thorn…his love of his friends, and the fact that sometimes I can just be a mindless imp. But I think that’s because I just fail at letting everyone know when I’m thinking of them (which is pretty much every day). The checklist running through my head isn’t what I have to do, it’s everyone who has been in my life. Whether it’s wondering what they’re up to, or just smiling at whatever memory has arrived. There are very few people who are banned from my memories, even though their name will pass unattached through my head.

So…please know, even if we don’t talk, I am thinking about you. Everyone, even the random folks I’ve known since kindergarten. And I still know your name, it just might take me a few minutes to get out of my mouth.

With that said, tonight, just lift a glass and toast all your friends who have made a difference in your life, whether it was a compliment or a slap upside the head that righted you. They made a difference.

It has been interesting…

And a hard weekend. The trip out was an effort, as apparently the first flight to Atlanta, from Detroit was delayed by 30 minutes, which meant I missed my connection from LA to Sacramento. So, instead of being in Redding by 4pm, I arrived at around 9pm. Gotta love airport screw-ups that result in an additional 5 hours of travel time.

Anyway, that's not the point. It's been a hard weekend, but a good one. The weather has been chilly and rainy, but at least it was sunny up in Burney. It was nice to re-see some more friends, meet new ones. It was also nice to hear that my parental fears were totally unfounded. They totally loved me, so I now have 3 sets of parents and a totally awesome brother and SIL, that I was finally able to meet. I honestly wished that it had not been in this manner, but I love them anyway.

I am eternally grateful for everything right now.

Not sure what the plans are for today, but I guess I should wake  up before she sleeps the day away.

So, I slept in this morning…

Then preceded to attempt at finding a balance in the latest cheap coffee I bought, will not buy cheap coffee again, least not Arabica cheap coffee. I've discovered that I much prefer the gentle wood scents of Sumatra, Arabica smells like Starbucks.

While doing that, I managed to not really check facebook, so much as I responded to a message about the upcoming Equinox ritual tomorrow night. I'm filling the priestess role and my brain is still in yogaland – but at least said brain is functioning. Instead, I grabbed my book and headed out on the patio, after prepping the chairs with their mats and cleaning off the patio from my adventures in sawing window props from my old closet shelves (BTW, I still have a bathroom mirror to whoever wishes to give it a good home, since Pastry won't let me crack it an either make art out of it or send it to the landfill). Lost track of time and spent a good 3 hours out there reading. It's the first time, since I'd bought this place, that I've spent that much time out there. No music, no podcasts, just birds and cats chasing carpenter bees. And has anyone else realized, how stupid carpenter bees can be? They fly around like they have a broken horizon and bounce into things. Knowing how a bee's eye is set up, I can understand that whole "seeing triple" issue, but really, I'd think they could see in 3D.

Yoga stuffs, cut for your sanity…

And again….

Tummy is wound up tighter than a nun's legs today, was fine up till I got in the car to come to work. Not sure what the trigger is with the office, because it's not in any danger and there isn't really anything about the office that is daunting or challenging. Maybe it's just tax season. Granted, the tattoo office decided that my building is the perfect place to park their sign van, which I hope will move in the next hour or two. If not, I'm going to request they not do this again. My more conservative clients (and new ones) do not need to have that blocking my parking spaces. We have enough issues to deal with, without bringing that one into the mess.

Anyway…I am in a meditative/contemplative spot. Lots of thoughts floating through my head and hopes, least hopes that in a month or so some of the issues I'm dealing with personally will evaporate. It'll be better to have the Pastry here, even if he's jobless for 3 months. Means the house will be cleaner and the bills will start being paid more on time, hopefully. Also means the CC bills will drop significantly!!!

Oh well, there's more in my head but my client will arrive shortly, so we'll see how I'm feeling later today.

Moving forward….

I've been in deep contemplation about this blog, where it's going to go, and what it's going to be about. My main problem has been the fact that I have too many journals. One is for my spiritual stuffs, one is for my personal stuffs, and I have contemplated doing one for my work stuffs. But I think it's time to suck it up and dive in by merging them all. The business will obviously have its own, and I can easily cross-post, but I'd like to keep things going here. I have 10 years of stuff here, and a few years more elsewhere (but I think I tossed the disk in my last house purge….oops!). But the muse is stirring, and I'm loving it. This afternoon I wrote an amazing poem in my head, which of course has gone the way of the wind by now. I'm starting to come out of my cocoon and stretching my wings again.

Yoga is coming along, my asana practice is actually becoming regular! Created some zen time yesterday at the Center, doing what my "job" is, cleaning the alters. For some reason, I always find that to be the most relaxing and meditative thing for me, even though I showed up to meditate with my teacher (didn't happen because I lost track of time).

I'm happy to be able to really say, "I'm getting there", because I am. I'm being a bit more social, and enjoyed a really awesome dinner last night with friends, and a Persian restaurant complete with the tables you have to squat around (I wish more restaurants did this, it was quite awesome!). I buckled down this afternoon and finished up (what I think is finished up) my tax booklet, so I can go drop it on my super awesome accountant's desk. Hopefully, it won't add stress and will be pretty simple for him to put together in time, if not, no issues with paying my late fees. My classmate Ang commented once on how she's just absolutely loving her life now….I'm thrilled to say I'm joining her with that sentiment!!!

Oh yeah, I have sproutlings on my patio! The garlic is coming along nicely, and the basil and oregano have just started to poke their heads out, too. A couple more weeks and the tomato seedlings should pop-up, as well.

Now if I could just get better about going to sleep before 1AM and waking up before 8AM.

Death, love and rock and roll…

It seems that death is all over the place lately. Every time I turn my head someone else has left this plane, so there is a lot of sadness all around me. I am in a good place to deal with it, as some while sad, was a welcome relief from the person's suffering. I'm not sure if all of this has something to do with the overwhelming dream world I've been experiencing. It's welcome, as I wake up with knowledge that I have dreamed, vs the last 5 years or so, where I couldn't even begin to think I had a dream. I like it, and my body is liking it.

I bought my tickets to head out to CA.  will be picking me up, and then we'll be heading up to 's blot/memorial. I just need to remember to pack my mead, my grove brother made it for me for a "special occasion" and I figure this is the best occasion for it. Hope it has aged well, as it's from 2007. Though, I think Thorn would get a huge giggle if it's not, as he was the one who introduced me to mead, in hopes that I would like it (I'm allergic to grain alcohol). But it will be nice to finally meet everyone, regardless the circumstances. I also think he'd love the fact that all of us are getting together and sharing the love – and probably some loud death metal.

Return of anxiety????

I have no idea what is going on, I'm anxious, and the latter part of my digestive process are not happy with it. This is the first time in months that I've felt this, and prior to YTT it was the result of overwhelming amounts of stress. There's only one thing I'm stressed about right now (wild guess), and that's never changed, but it's never caused this kind of reaction. I'm also starting to get heart flutters again, which is really odd, as I cut caffeine about the same time these symptoms went away. Adrenals are back on hyper-alert, I'm constantly thinking about BJJ tournaments and other adrenaline related things. But when I meditate it's like all of that never even happened. My brain is completely clear, I'm not fluttering through every little detail of every little thing. My asana practice has improved, managed a 2 hour practice last night and was completely focused and observant about what was going on with the body. No outside thoughts, other than Lexus wanting to share savasana with my head. Hell, even got a ILS muscle release with supported fish. But no conscious direction on what's going on with the tummy.

Maybe it's just too much going on right now. Trying to plan my weekend jaunt to Burney, CA and the trip to France to pick up the Pastry (both of which are the cause of stress). But it needs to be done, IMO, neither is something that I can skip or delay, at this point.

I guess I could also say that I'm a bit worried and placing more pressure on myself than needed. For multiple, natural, reasons, I have to step into Priestess mode. Hell, I've been training for this, and it's been part of my path. When first asked it was a natural answer and progression so it wasn't anything to worry about. Now, there's more to it than just leading a ritual, I'm stepping in as an actual life role and my brain didn't really wrap around that aspect at the time. And words have failed me more times than I have liked in the last few weeks.

But at least my closet is looking better. Need to take panoramic pictures of it. And by May I can stop being online all the time.

In reading through back posts…
I found this:
I want to scream to my heart's content from the building tops where I land.
I want to yell, "I love you" to the world, from a cliff, and hear the world yell it back.
I want to stand at sunrise, on a beach with the in-tide teasing my feet, as dolphins ask me to play with them.
I want to wake up every day, in love with something new.
I want to see myself in the mirror, and have my jaw drop in awe at what is standing before me.
I want to look at the stars, and be in awe at their infinite beauty, instead of the fear of the infinite.
I want to be able to love, and show it, without facing the fear of those who fear it.
I want to dive to the earth, and not fear hitting it.
I want to swim in the ocean, and not fear drowning.
I want to drown in the experience of life, as if it's a sweet wine I can't get enough of.
I want to find a dance partner, who'd fill up my card, regardless the music or their dancing ability.
I want to stare across a desert with a friend, who can see the beauty I see, and fall in love with it.
I want to be lost, even for a moment, in the being of someone merged with me.
I want to know, that all of this is possible.
So far, I have succeeded in doing several of these things. And I'm happy to know that they did happen, even if it took shake up, to remember that they did. I'm sorry I had forgotten, so thank you for reminding me.

I think I’m numb…

Maybe I'm just masking a lot of stuff at this point, doing my best to distract myself, I guess. I don't think I've actually sat down in a quiet space in a day or two. Haven't had time, been either busy, or….distracted. I'm still very sad, going through everything just to find snippets. Thinking of all fun and stupid stuff, like him dropping me on my ass as he piggy-backed me to my mailbox. He was horrified and I was laughing my ass off – literally. The time I was scared to death that I had made a bad impression when he finally introduced me to his parents, mainly because they made a huge turkey, and I couldn't eat enough of it – along with a few other issues that every insecure girl would worry about. The one that cracks me up the most, he wasn't even present for….when I finally landed a job at CNN, I set my browser to pull up his AOL profile, so I could have a picture of him with me at all time. Unfortunately, I forgot about that when I took my laptop into a presentation. In front of all the vendors, I pulled up my presentation and there was Thorn, in his black and white frowning greatness staring out from the abyss at them. On the big screen. Let's just say, that was learning moment. At which point I got a printed picture and hung it on my cork board next to my computer screen.

I should have tried to get out there more often. There was no reason for me not to head north at all, when I was out for competitions. We always talked about it.

At least we always have Ozzy, Pantera, and a black trench coat….Oh yeah, and the freaky guy with the forked tongue, literally. I think both of us got the shivers from that one.

I think he also set my fetish for Vikings, he very much was one, even though he'd never been over there. I hope he's sailing the fjords now, they're so beautiful and amazing. He would have felt completely at home there.

Never far from heart or head, forever in love…
My dearest Thorn,
I know I wrote you a beautiful love letter years ago, but it was something you have in your possession, not one that I can share with the world, now. So today, I'm writing you another one. I know it's too late, now, but I know that these words will reach you, in whichever hall you have been welcomed into, in Asgard.

Words cannot convey everything I have felt for you, over the years. But pure love is the source of all of those feelings. As you said in a letter to me, 12 years ago, it wasn't that "we were together or that we met, but how we found each other, melded bodies, spirits…" And we were. We became part of each other, parts that could never be separated from the other. Over the years, the time and distance did separate us, but no matter what, my thoughts were always coming back to you, and I could always feel you with me. Even through the darkest times I've faced, your calm voice was always at the end of the phone when I least expected it.

Our relationship changed over time, but the feelings were still there. Deeper and more profound than anything I have ever experienced. Smiling and throwing good vibes at every positive change in each other's lives. Offering kind words and virtual hugs whenever those positives turned course and were infiltrated by something negative. We worked healing magic on each other, whenever wounds were opened or festered.

We've come a long way, since we were two kids trying to heal from our first loves, finding strength and love in each other, till we became strong enough to branch out and spread that to other people who needed it. Always, always in each other's hearts.

Today, I shed tears; not because your light has not gone out, but because it shines in a different way, in a different land. The gods have called you home, I'm sure for an important reason, but your love remains. It's here in everyone you have touched in your short life, and it's here in my heart. Time and distance are, as you said, frivolities. 
I'm sure Odin will allow a daughter of the Morrigan to visit you some day. Till then, prepare for your battles, perfect your pranks and learn the tricks of successfully allowing people their own enlightenment. You will be well missed my love, but you live on.

Thorn Lokisson 1975-2012