topic fodder

Art imitates life, which imitates art…

On a plane to Paris, and I manage to pull up 12 Years a Slave. Thanks to my parents, I’ve always been one to seek out the art that pulls some type of emotion out of me. Stirs my thoughts in ways that my environment might otherwise not let me explore.

There was a point, where Fassbender’s character has a conversation with Pitt’s character, about how there will come a day where there will be a reckoning. It echo’s me back to Lee’s White Man’s Burden, where the societal rolls are flipped in order to explore the human experience.

That brings me to our current events, in the States, where I do believe we are on the precipice of a reckoning. First Nations are no longer relegated to the “out of mind” position that the reservation system sought to contain. Voices are now being heard, that should be heard. They’ve been drowned out by the arrogance of those who think they know best. And now, those who have consistently been trampled upon and shouted down have the opportunity to rise.

But…and there’s a big one…we run the risk of just letting the pendulum swing back the other way instead of stopping it in its tracks. So the choice is ours, all of ours. Will we return the favour and punish all for the sins our predecessors committed, or will we – as T’Challa found – find a better way forward for all by recognizing the failures of those who came before us and recognizing that we are not them. We are better. We can be better. We can listen to each other, learn from each other, and grow into a better society.

The phoenix must be consumed by its fires before it can be reborn, renewed. All of our myths talk of this. And now, we must be part of it, without letting the chaos consume us and burn us with its hatred.

You can’t see me…

Not because I'm invisible, even though I might be, but because you choose to not see me.

That's pretty much a summary of the waters beneath the surface for the past 3 weeks. I'm usually content to be in the background, doing the things I do because it's who I am, or how I choose to express myself. But the one time, the one time, that I made the choice to step up and say "HEY EVERYONE, REALLY LOOK AT ME!!!" I received the biggest smack down I could ever imagine possible. Worse than any of the shit I put up with going through middle and high school (and believe me, not all of it happened at school, so let's just say girls can be bitches and leave it there). So yeah, not planning on doing that ever again. But at least I know who my family consists of, and I'm grateful to them, even if they were part of the reason I broke before I was supposed to. But I shattered and I'm trying to pick up the pieces, little by little. The universe hasn't been totally helpful, because every time I try to take down time to hit up the mountains, or the river, or something; it manages to pop up and say, "Oh, you want time off? You sure about that?" and when I prove that I am, I come back to a clusterfuck bigger than I left to say, "See, you really shouldn't have taken that downtime. Normally, by this point in the year, I've had a month and a half of vacation. It's what keeps me sane, because I really do need 2-3 weeks to decompress from my job. So far, I've had a week and a half – and that wasn't a real, don't deal with anything work-related, vacation. I really need to just hole up in a cabin with no cell signal or wifi. Just me, coffee, a book, nature, and maybe Pastry (if he can get the time off).

I'm finding I need to re-establish my boundaries. I put myself out there for people, for whatever reason, and find that my margin of returns are exceedingly slim. Those who will continue to be blessed by my thoughtfulness are the ones that have shown themselves to return it, in some way – whether it's "paying it forward" or "kicking it back". I love them, and they get it. But I'm really tired of the dead ends. I'm really tired of looking out the window and seeing what is happening outside. The level of stupidity is astounding to the point I want to slam heads against a mirror and say, "What the fuck are you doing? Don't you see what you are doing?" But it would be useless. Very few are interested in self-reflection, and those who don't even consider it till they hit the proverbial wall are so blinded that they don't even know they've hit anything. It's disheartening to me. Depressing.

I have no clue where I'm going with this. I had some totally awesome stuff in my head earlier. Fluid and descriptive. All the stuff my writing professors loved. All the stuff my muse would pour out on to the paper before she was blindsided and muzzled because she "just wasn't good enough". Stupid people. Stupid me.

My office has a purple rug with yellow and lavender flowers on it. That makes me happy. I need more purple and lavender flowers. I need more solitude. Whatever fire is burning inside needs to come out. I can't handle it anymore, I'm tired of containing it within. It's being fed by something I don't know, and something I'm not familiar with. I don't know how to calm it down. And I don't want it to destroy me.

Moving forward….

I've been in deep contemplation about this blog, where it's going to go, and what it's going to be about. My main problem has been the fact that I have too many journals. One is for my spiritual stuffs, one is for my personal stuffs, and I have contemplated doing one for my work stuffs. But I think it's time to suck it up and dive in by merging them all. The business will obviously have its own, and I can easily cross-post, but I'd like to keep things going here. I have 10 years of stuff here, and a few years more elsewhere (but I think I tossed the disk in my last house purge….oops!). But the muse is stirring, and I'm loving it. This afternoon I wrote an amazing poem in my head, which of course has gone the way of the wind by now. I'm starting to come out of my cocoon and stretching my wings again.

Yoga is coming along, my asana practice is actually becoming regular! Created some zen time yesterday at the Center, doing what my "job" is, cleaning the alters. For some reason, I always find that to be the most relaxing and meditative thing for me, even though I showed up to meditate with my teacher (didn't happen because I lost track of time).

I'm happy to be able to really say, "I'm getting there", because I am. I'm being a bit more social, and enjoyed a really awesome dinner last night with friends, and a Persian restaurant complete with the tables you have to squat around (I wish more restaurants did this, it was quite awesome!). I buckled down this afternoon and finished up (what I think is finished up) my tax booklet, so I can go drop it on my super awesome accountant's desk. Hopefully, it won't add stress and will be pretty simple for him to put together in time, if not, no issues with paying my late fees. My classmate Ang commented once on how she's just absolutely loving her life now….I'm thrilled to say I'm joining her with that sentiment!!!

Oh yeah, I have sproutlings on my patio! The garlic is coming along nicely, and the basil and oregano have just started to poke their heads out, too. A couple more weeks and the tomato seedlings should pop-up, as well.

Now if I could just get better about going to sleep before 1AM and waking up before 8AM.

I have decided that it’s time for this journal to evolve….I just don’t know what it will evolve into. Reasoning is, it was started to give me space to explore myself, resolve issues and move forward. At this point, I’ve worked through almost everything that caused severe imbalances. Going forward is a different chapter and I need to move towards that.

So….let’s see….I’ve been accepted by Peachtree Yoga for the fall course of their teacher certification class. I’m excited about it, and am willing to wake up before dawn on the weekends to make it to class. I’m hoping it will allow me to turn more into an early morning person than a late morning person. I really hate not really being awake till around 10ish. It’ll also get me on more of a schedule and will also force me to move my work schedule to the one that I want (haven’t done it, because I haven’t had a need to do so). It also means I’ll be back to a Mon-Fri schedule. Yay weekends!!!! Downside, need to find another female therapist, which has always been a bane for me. I know very few female therapists who meet my expectations in both capability and work ethic. Maybe it’s just a therapist thing, namely in who is attracted to the field and their expectations on how the field works, who knows. Anyway, I’ll start working on that stuff soon.

Now, on to hunting down payments due from clients. Fun!!!