topic fodder

Randomness…

There have been a lot of changes on the horizon for me, both personally and professionally. It’s been a bit of a rush with a ton of anxiety because it’s a change that will ultimately, I hope, benefit others but it puts me into a realm of unknown and regrouping.

But that’s what winter is about, isn’t it? Going into the depths of the dark, seeking out the unknown, confronting it, then growing from it. At this point, I’m just trying to come to terms with what has been thrown at me. I have a track that I’m on and I’m actively forcing myself to stay on it, despite these last minute changes. Especially because it puts me in a bind with some of my previous choices that focused on professional growth in my office and required additional funds that needed to be directed that way.

But as with nature, the cold frost hits and kills things off. A little warmth steps in and allows seeds to crack so those first roots can tap the depths; before the fingers can reach up towards the surface and draw in the sun and the warmth.

Ramblings…

So I have a new non-fiction book (well, fiction if you consider that the topic is about fake news and smear campaigns) that I seem to not shut up about. I love reading stuff that is a bit off the wall but grounded in analysis – maybe that’s the Sherlock Holmes wanna be in me that gets stoked. At any rate, The Smear, by Sharyl Attkinsson (sp?) is my latest reading binge. It’s taking me away from Turn: George Washington’s spys on Netflix.

I’m ranking it up there with Cows, Pigs, Wars and Witches by Marvin Harris. Mainly because I love perspectives that make me rethink how I look at things, as well as possibly gain an insight that I tend to miss being an anti-social hermit.

The main reason I’m devouring it has more to do with what I’ve been seeing on my FB feed and the various stories propigated by friends and acquainences. It also lends an interesting perspective to the fallout I’m seeing from the recent Gillette commercial addressing “toxic” masculinity and the debate that has been sparked. I followed the rabbit hole and read through the comments on the YouTube post, and if you can’t tell the majority of the comments are the same, or just slight modifications of the same post.

It half makes me wonder what would happen if all of us ceased posting, what would the bots and the humans paid to write the reviews come up with, if all of us just didn’t pay attention to it. It really reads like those article transcripts of people who set up a couple of AIs and let them talk to each other. The only difference is that AIs will debate, argue, and discuss their subjects. These things just regugitate a single talking point.

It half reads like a modernized theatrical production based off Huxley’s Brave New World with some Fahrenheit 451. The only difference is that we’re living it, instead of reading and discussing it in our Senior year lit class in HS.

On being a slacker…

Hallo dear readers,

I’ve been a slacker. Well, not really, but in regards to writing I have been. I’ve made putting out fires my priority over tending to my own monkeys. For that I apologize. I’m putting this out there as a way to give myself some accountability. Every Wednesday or Thursday I’m going to write out a brain dump that hopefully will turn into something a little more intentional and planned out.

I’m starting with my personal blog and hopefully that will morph over to my business blog (nope, not gonna connect it. If you’re that interested consider this a game of hide ‘n seek of the over-worked adult variety). I have no clue what will come out of my head but if you read through my former LJ, you’ll see that it ran the gamut. From overly deep and TMI introspection (my former partner and I had many an argument over my method of sharing) to rain glazed highway shallowness.

But I am at an age where a lot of what you’ll see there has somewhat been mastered in a way that it’s not a written process anymore. Sure, there are still interpersonal relationship issues that I deal with and will probably process here, but most of those deal with the fact that I am anti-social and highly introverted to the point where I should have a psychologist to talk to instead of blog. But hey, here we are and it’s functional. On top of that, I don’t have to worry about my usual issue of not being heard because I don’t look at my analytics. 😀

So, at any rate…welcome to my attic – where all the skeletons are hidden.

Art imitates life, which imitates art…

On a plane to Paris, and I manage to pull up 12 Years a Slave. Thanks to my parents, I’ve always been one to seek out the art that pulls some type of emotion out of me. Stirs my thoughts in ways that my environment might otherwise not let me explore.

There was a point, where Fassbender’s character has a conversation with Pitt’s character, about how there will come a day where there will be a reckoning. It echo’s me back to Lee’s White Man’s Burden, where the societal rolls are flipped in order to explore the human experience.

That brings me to our current events, in the States, where I do believe we are on the precipice of a reckoning. First Nations are no longer relegated to the “out of mind” position that the reservation system sought to contain. Voices are now being heard, that should be heard. They’ve been drowned out by the arrogance of those who think they know best. And now, those who have consistently been trampled upon and shouted down have the opportunity to rise.

But…and there’s a big one…we run the risk of just letting the pendulum swing back the other way instead of stopping it in its tracks. So the choice is ours, all of ours. Will we return the favour and punish all for the sins our predecessors committed, or will we – as T’Challa found – find a better way forward for all by recognizing the failures of those who came before us and recognizing that we are not them. We are better. We can be better. We can listen to each other, learn from each other, and grow into a better society.

The phoenix must be consumed by its fires before it can be reborn, renewed. All of our myths talk of this. And now, we must be part of it, without letting the chaos consume us and burn us with its hatred.

You can’t see me…

Not because I'm invisible, even though I might be, but because you choose to not see me.

That's pretty much a summary of the waters beneath the surface for the past 3 weeks. I'm usually content to be in the background, doing the things I do because it's who I am, or how I choose to express myself. But the one time, the one time, that I made the choice to step up and say "HEY EVERYONE, REALLY LOOK AT ME!!!" I received the biggest smack down I could ever imagine possible. Worse than any of the shit I put up with going through middle and high school (and believe me, not all of it happened at school, so let's just say girls can be bitches and leave it there). So yeah, not planning on doing that ever again. But at least I know who my family consists of, and I'm grateful to them, even if they were part of the reason I broke before I was supposed to. But I shattered and I'm trying to pick up the pieces, little by little. The universe hasn't been totally helpful, because every time I try to take down time to hit up the mountains, or the river, or something; it manages to pop up and say, "Oh, you want time off? You sure about that?" and when I prove that I am, I come back to a clusterfuck bigger than I left to say, "See, you really shouldn't have taken that downtime. Normally, by this point in the year, I've had a month and a half of vacation. It's what keeps me sane, because I really do need 2-3 weeks to decompress from my job. So far, I've had a week and a half – and that wasn't a real, don't deal with anything work-related, vacation. I really need to just hole up in a cabin with no cell signal or wifi. Just me, coffee, a book, nature, and maybe Pastry (if he can get the time off).

I'm finding I need to re-establish my boundaries. I put myself out there for people, for whatever reason, and find that my margin of returns are exceedingly slim. Those who will continue to be blessed by my thoughtfulness are the ones that have shown themselves to return it, in some way – whether it's "paying it forward" or "kicking it back". I love them, and they get it. But I'm really tired of the dead ends. I'm really tired of looking out the window and seeing what is happening outside. The level of stupidity is astounding to the point I want to slam heads against a mirror and say, "What the fuck are you doing? Don't you see what you are doing?" But it would be useless. Very few are interested in self-reflection, and those who don't even consider it till they hit the proverbial wall are so blinded that they don't even know they've hit anything. It's disheartening to me. Depressing.

I have no clue where I'm going with this. I had some totally awesome stuff in my head earlier. Fluid and descriptive. All the stuff my writing professors loved. All the stuff my muse would pour out on to the paper before she was blindsided and muzzled because she "just wasn't good enough". Stupid people. Stupid me.

My office has a purple rug with yellow and lavender flowers on it. That makes me happy. I need more purple and lavender flowers. I need more solitude. Whatever fire is burning inside needs to come out. I can't handle it anymore, I'm tired of containing it within. It's being fed by something I don't know, and something I'm not familiar with. I don't know how to calm it down. And I don't want it to destroy me.

Moving forward….

I've been in deep contemplation about this blog, where it's going to go, and what it's going to be about. My main problem has been the fact that I have too many journals. One is for my spiritual stuffs, one is for my personal stuffs, and I have contemplated doing one for my work stuffs. But I think it's time to suck it up and dive in by merging them all. The business will obviously have its own, and I can easily cross-post, but I'd like to keep things going here. I have 10 years of stuff here, and a few years more elsewhere (but I think I tossed the disk in my last house purge….oops!). But the muse is stirring, and I'm loving it. This afternoon I wrote an amazing poem in my head, which of course has gone the way of the wind by now. I'm starting to come out of my cocoon and stretching my wings again.

Yoga is coming along, my asana practice is actually becoming regular! Created some zen time yesterday at the Center, doing what my "job" is, cleaning the alters. For some reason, I always find that to be the most relaxing and meditative thing for me, even though I showed up to meditate with my teacher (didn't happen because I lost track of time).

I'm happy to be able to really say, "I'm getting there", because I am. I'm being a bit more social, and enjoyed a really awesome dinner last night with friends, and a Persian restaurant complete with the tables you have to squat around (I wish more restaurants did this, it was quite awesome!). I buckled down this afternoon and finished up (what I think is finished up) my tax booklet, so I can go drop it on my super awesome accountant's desk. Hopefully, it won't add stress and will be pretty simple for him to put together in time, if not, no issues with paying my late fees. My classmate Ang commented once on how she's just absolutely loving her life now….I'm thrilled to say I'm joining her with that sentiment!!!

Oh yeah, I have sproutlings on my patio! The garlic is coming along nicely, and the basil and oregano have just started to poke their heads out, too. A couple more weeks and the tomato seedlings should pop-up, as well.

Now if I could just get better about going to sleep before 1AM and waking up before 8AM.