Slow down and breathe…

This month has been crazy stressful and is finally manifesting as a tension headache, which is trying to morph into a full-blown grande mal migraine.

But I’m finding places to breathe in the storm. This morning has been a good one, even though the evening will probably cue the anxiety. Was able to get in some meditation, writing in a prompt journal, and adding some stuff in here.

I’ve honestly hated not writing in my blog for the last decade. Getting started again was feeling more like a chore due to the need to cut out time to do it, instead of allowing the words to flow naturally.

But blocked emotions due to being in a forced emotional straight jacket takes time to untangle and heal. I’m honestly not sure how long it will take and whether or not I’ll find any measure of success in it. But the damage I have allowed makes me look back at who I was before in sorrow, because I miss that person.


Things have been getting pretty hectic here since the beginning of the year. But in a good way. It’s been giving me time to reconnect with my roots, clear out the old junk that has been holding me back from jumping off the cliff, and make room for all the really awesome stuff that has been percolating in the background.

It’s been a good clearing, as I’m finding the ideas that I’ve been waiting for are finally starting to bubble to the surface. How I want the back yard to look, what I want the house to look like, what my office should be and finally….what my job will be! That part is the most exciting, because it finally allows me to bring every thing I do in life together into this one little bundle.

I’ve always known that I’m that person who will always be a step behind, but it’s never really bothered me that much because I’ve found that I always arrive when I need to do so. Guess that makes me a little wizard in the Tolkien vein. 😀

As things progress, I might talk about it more here, even though I do want to keep things a bit separate. Maybe I’ll hit a stride where I finally don’t care again and can fully open up. But it’s hard to explain how awesome it is, when that part that you thought was dead inside – buried in thick concrete and hidden for all time – to crackle back to life. To hear the muse that you had pushed aside, to become something that someone else wanted you to be, to forgive you enough and trust enough that she’d begin talking to you. And to finally hear the gods of old start to sing their songs with you. The awakening that we all search for, cry out for, and seek every single day.

But then begin to realize that it’s a process of a lot of small circumstances and details that add up.


So I’m on day 3 of “how much pain can I take”. Surprisingly, my wisdom tooth socket is only slightly present. It hasn’t given me any trouble, but my face looks like celebrity gone wild at the collagen injection clinic. The new gums look pretty, I can’t brush them yet so they feel really weird. The front teeth are super loose, which worries me and makes me talk funny and eat even funnier. But pain meds are my friends these days. Which sucks because I had the wrong ones at work yesterday. I had the remainder of Pastry’s oxytocin and a half bottle of Motrin. I had grabbed my hydrocodone but forgot to put it in my bag. Needless to say, when I got home I ran to the bottle, downed 2, and then hopped into my Saturday night ritual bath to relax. It irritated me because it meant I missed my co-worker’s after-wedding party for the staff. I wanted to go. But was napping on and off by the time her party started. Pastry set me up with Netflix on his game system and I spent the majority of it watching Blue Bloods. But I am thankful to a husband who asked what I wanted to eat, and when I said Velveeta mac ‘n cheese he went to the store, blinked at the price, and got the fixings to make home made mac ‘n cheese instead.

I purposely kept my work days slow, but even with my spaced out schedule on Saturday, I think I over-did it. Had several talkative clients and didn’t even think about the fact that talking ups the pain level. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle [GI Joe]. Tomorrow I call the Doc to see about a refill, if the pain spikes don’t drop. I only have a couple hydrocodone’s left. I’m also wondering if I should call my ortho and reschedule this week’s appt. I don’t think my mouth can handle getting the wires on the bottom right now. Or maybe I’ll just see if he’ll skip putting them on the front of the bottom teeth for now.

Oh, and the mostly liquid diet, yeah, not working for me. I know with my adrenal fatigue protein and fat meals keep me from going skitzy in the head, but I have to have a little carb in there. Most of the food I have been eating the last couple of days doesn’t fulfill that need. So when I went to pick up my bath bomb at LUSH, I stopped by the pretzel stand and grabbed one. Thank you Auntie Anne, hit the spot.

And in case anyone is wondering, my Dr showed me the step-by-step pics of what she did. The bone graft looked like maggots before she sealed it up, which was interesting. I also had 2 holes at the bottom of my lower jaw. They don’t exist anymore, but they were genetic not anything that I had done, to her knowledge.

And much thanks to friends and bosses who know their pharmacology. I’m never a big fan of drugs, but the last thing I want to do is overdose, but with this I’m not a fan of underdosing either.

Had my second biopsy on Thursday. Nothing that could be seen, but given that 4 of my last 5 tests came back positive means I have one hell of an infection that just doesn't want to go away – which usually means it's a strain that can develop into cancer. But, since the Doc couldn't really see any cell changes, she's telling me to not freak out. Which, I'm not, just a bit annoyed that I had to have pieces taken out of me in sensitive locals. Also got the full low down on incubation rates and whatnot, so WTF knows.

Politics…at this point, I'm laughing at all the "You must vote for _________" folks, because they're just playing into the hands of the parties. I mean, seriously, if their candidate gets your panties wet, and you agree with their stance on things, vote for them. But if you don't, and you're doing it because you're voting against the other guy, suck it. You're an idiot. If you don't agree with any of them, write in "none of the above". It's just overly ridiculous that we allow these people to continue to give us the same shit candidates, because we'll always vote for "one of them" or "the lesser of two evils". If it's the latter, guess what? It's still evil. We talk about making a change, making our country better, or doing something about the problems. And all we do is follow the sign that the sheep herders put up to direct us where to go. We deserve to live in a failing country for that, we really do. We allowed ourselves to be led here, and we did nothing to change direction, and we're about to do nothing again. Because too many people want to follow the herd, or at least one of them. They're not willing to actually make their voice heard by saying something. Put more emphasis on who is going to be in Congress, put people in there who are actually willing to work and do something for this country. The only thing the Pres is there for, is to make us look like morons on the international stage, and sign bills. It's Congress that has to get things done. And so far, they've done nothing, and what they have done is worthless shit in comparison to what needs to be done. We're going on our second year of no budget, but they've managed to pass a massive tax bill that won't make a lick of difference in the cost of health care. They act like they can walk down the street and create jobs, when the job creation is actually within the spending capabilities of the working man creating a demand for a supply of goods and services. They display their ignorance of women's reproductive systems and violent crime, and bitch and moan about the abortion rate of this country….seriously? Those are the important things of what needs to be done in this country?

And it's all because we don't want to hear solutions, we want sound bites, we want feel good policies that strike our personal fancies. We don't want politicians that actually work for us, we want to work for them, and do what they tell us to do. And we deserve this. It's all about the "you", namely what "I" think "you" should be doing. The basic function of the federal gov't was to protect borders and facilitate cooperation and commerce between states. Mediate problems between states. Not tell me what I can and cannot buy, or what I can or cannot do for myself. It was the States and the Cities that put limits on me, in regards to whether it would negatively impact someone else. WTF would anyone vote for someone who is going to continue to push the fed gov't further into their lives? And that is what astounds me about this election. We have the real chance to send a real message that will be heard loud and clear. But so many just want to put their heads in the sand and pull the lever for that person who isn't the other candidate.

Nothing much to see here…

I have a lot to say, which may end up being not much at all. But it will have to wait. Getting ready to head to a gentle yoga class to prep for this afternoon’s biopsy in a very delicate place.

It’s the second time around for this, and it’s more frustrating than anything because the Dr doesn’t know why this stuff hasn’t gone away. I don’t remember when the last biopsy was, but it was over 3 years ago. I’ll get more into it later, once I ask some specific Dr questions.

So….off we go!

Return of anxiety????

I have no idea what is going on, I'm anxious, and the latter part of my digestive process are not happy with it. This is the first time in months that I've felt this, and prior to YTT it was the result of overwhelming amounts of stress. There's only one thing I'm stressed about right now (wild guess), and that's never changed, but it's never caused this kind of reaction. I'm also starting to get heart flutters again, which is really odd, as I cut caffeine about the same time these symptoms went away. Adrenals are back on hyper-alert, I'm constantly thinking about BJJ tournaments and other adrenaline related things. But when I meditate it's like all of that never even happened. My brain is completely clear, I'm not fluttering through every little detail of every little thing. My asana practice has improved, managed a 2 hour practice last night and was completely focused and observant about what was going on with the body. No outside thoughts, other than Lexus wanting to share savasana with my head. Hell, even got a ILS muscle release with supported fish. But no conscious direction on what's going on with the tummy.

Maybe it's just too much going on right now. Trying to plan my weekend jaunt to Burney, CA and the trip to France to pick up the Pastry (both of which are the cause of stress). But it needs to be done, IMO, neither is something that I can skip or delay, at this point.

I guess I could also say that I'm a bit worried and placing more pressure on myself than needed. For multiple, natural, reasons, I have to step into Priestess mode. Hell, I've been training for this, and it's been part of my path. When first asked it was a natural answer and progression so it wasn't anything to worry about. Now, there's more to it than just leading a ritual, I'm stepping in as an actual life role and my brain didn't really wrap around that aspect at the time. And words have failed me more times than I have liked in the last few weeks.

But at least my closet is looking better. Need to take panoramic pictures of it. And by May I can stop being online all the time.

Fun stuff…

I signed up for the Yoga Journal 21 day challenge and started a team for my Yoga school. It’s been fun, as I’ve already set some personal goals for myself. The one that is easiest, so far, is the unplugging for at least an hour every day. The 2 cups of coffee is easier on work days than on workless days, right now I’m on cup 3, about to hit cup 4, but it’s all decaf. I would say that I’m going on week 2 of caffeine free, but I did have a cup of caffeinated tea on Friday afternoon. Didn’t do much to me, but I am liking being able to drink coffee all day without getting the jitters and sweats. It’s not on my list, but I do need to start getting out more. I’m planning on an afternoon at the mall, even though I won’t be buying anything.

I’m trying to be more social, and the universe knows exactly where to hit me to make sure I stay home. In class, we’ve joked about the universe putting adversity in front of us, to make us change regardless. Unfortunately, the universe has not realized that no gas money = no driving long distances to be social. I had everything set then Sprint decides to send a last minute text message saying “Your over due amount has to be paid by 12/4”. Which didn’t leave enough gas money. Sucks, because I had food all ready to go. 😦 At least I’ll be here for New Year’s, this year. Can’t wait to see everyone again, and next year I’m going to work on one-on-ones with friends for lunch or dinner.

I’m officially down to training weight. It makes me happy, and I’ve dropped on my body fat ratio, too. Reducing my stress level was a big factor in that (which goes along with the reduction in caffeine). It’s been wonderful for me and this last month I’ve pretty much been a lazy slob (well, not so much a slob, as I’ve been cleaning up the house, too) but I’ve definitely been lazy. Given what the rest of this year has been, I’m not beating up on myself, too much.

Also, I’m going to be in Dallas/Ft. Worth from the 22nd to the 30th, so if any locals want to meet up, let me know. Otherwise, gonna have fun with the family.

Been one heck of a week. Tuesday-Thursday has been non-stop appointment making, which is good but drives me nuts, given how much I hate phone conversations. So far, we have 4 people interested in some kind of membership, one of them I will be seeing again next week. Need to print out some more price menus, as my window one has been given away and my spare has also. Been some hit and miss, which I can deal with. I do need to hit up the school and put up an advert for a female therapist, as I need one by October, anyway, so this is a good time to at least run the possibility of building her client list.

The house is coming along, haven’t really done anything lately, but the doors have been picked out, outlets changed and fixed one to work. Picked out the window film, too for both the sunroom crappy window and the bathroom/bedroom door windows.

eydimork, if you read this, I remember you posting a recipe or something for portobello mushroom caps. I’m at the point where I would love to try and make them, and your description sounded absolutely yummy.

Pastry has received his wonderful packet from the embassy for his visa. So we’re on our way.

Lots of positive things. I’m hoping this LivingSocial coupon brings in more folks, I’d like to start being more social again. Now that I’m only going out to Acworth once a month, there’s a better chance, as that’s $15 of gas money that stays in my pocket, instead of being paid out every week (which means more trivia night at NRT!).

I’m trying to somewhat get on a schedule again. Somewhat failing. Mainly because I’m trying to get the house in order, second issue is food. I’m finding that I’m naturally falling into Ayurvedic habits, which I really like, but my summer habits mean I eat less at each sitting and my work/training schedule doesn’t actually mesh very well with an increase in meal/snack times.

Sooooo, what to do?? Well, as soon as I can get the bills under control, I’ve got my ideas to help me with all of this. Summer meals tend to start with granola, yogurt, berries. An hour later, some eggs and coffee. Then lunch. This is where it falls off the planet and the issues occur. I’m usually at work and working, which means….no food. If I’m in Buckhead, I can snag a decent salad and I’m fine (the Biscuit rocks on this).

And this is where I’m looking for ideas. From my travels, I have some good ideas on stuff and plan to incorporate them.

Meal options, suggestions welcome