healing

I looked into your eyes, deep into the depths of my soul and found myself amidst the darkness. Smiling as the winds of anger swirled around me, unscathed. Laughing at all that was and will never be again. Finding myself free within your love, drowning in a happiness all too easily forgotten. ~Tummanq

I love BJJ, I am addicted to it, and every day that I am not in the gym a part of my just dies at the idea of not being there. Yeah, the obvious thing is to just show up, but that’s where the issue lies. I lack the passion. I don’t know if it’s from training burn-out, or drama burn-out. But the fact is, I’m not having fun when I drag my ass out of bed in the morning and consider whether or not I will leave for the gym.

The best times I’ve had, have been on the beach with my teammates, sparring with each other just to say we did it. One of my training partners attempting take-downs at the office I work in, or getting lost on the way to the other academy.

I could point fingers and make the claims of what I know is my real issue, but that would be pointless. Fact is, I find no joy at this gym, outside of the few training partners I have respect and appreciation for.

I had this same issue when I made the choice to retire from gymnastics, and this is a bit different. While I’m definitely going to take a hiatus from competitions for a while (despite my desire to compete at the European Nationals), I just need to find a place where I can rediscover the enjoyment of the sport, and it’s not with this family.

The last couple of years, for me, were draining, physically and emotionally. I’m in recovery mode, and in some ways I’m fully recovered, and in others I’m still healing.

Regardless, I’ll be contacting the instructors around my next few trips and seeing if I can fit their schedules to mine. That said, I wish I was in Denmark. The team there is awesome and I would love to spend more than one day training with them. I could easily regain my focus and maybe come back and rejoin the family. But as it stands…. *sigh* I miss my brothers. That is all I miss.

So, in my effort to give meaning to my life (yes, I’m having a day of questioning, it started last night while sitting in my window overlooking Copenhagen – got a wonderful shot of the view to post later). I’m putting a question to all my readers, LJ users and site visitors alike….

What do I mean to you? What aspect of myself provides something to you? Why do you enjoy reading what comes out of my head?

*For you non-LJers, you may post anonymously, but please sign your post so I know who it’s coming from.

To contextualize this, I’m in the process of evaluating where I am, and where I want to go. Unfortunately, I’m a bit lost, ATM, and feel highly detached from almost everyone around me, including the people I’m supposed to be closest to.

Down the rabbit hole we go…

Nothing says “teh suck” like living through the plauge and now having insomnia.  I have a lot of crap going through my head, job-related, but as normal mostly home related.  I’m not going to try and explain my attachment to my roommate, as even I can’t define it for myself.  My ex seemed to be under the impression that everything dealt with my desire to be with him – as in “a couple”.  However, that doesn’t even touch it, as I readily admit that the attachment (like almost all of my other attachments) has nothing to do with sex – as my ex seemed to think.  montieth and I have been through a lot together, he has helped me grow in so many ways, I can’t even begin to list them.  Normally, in cases of the teacher/student, the student would be ready to go out into the world and either become a teacher, or find a new one to take them to the next level.  This is vastly different. as I think there is a much deeper bond, least on my end, than the student/teacher bond.

So, needless to say, any ripple that echoes through the relationship, that brings some sort of change, brings me a lot of pain.  I don’t expect the friends of his, who don’t know me, to understand this.  I can’t say I appreciate some of the crap they’ve spewed to him, in regards to this, but to each their own.  But this is the source of my constant state of depression.  Knowing that my foundation is crumbling apart and that I have to fix it.

The one we’ve come up with, is for me to move out.  Well, not my ideal fix, but it will definitely fix the problem.  Unfortunately, it creates a new problem – namely, it further removes me from the outside world.  Of all the people that I can honestly say I know, I know myself.  I know, that if I move into my own place, I will shut myself away, stay on my side of town and those who see me less will see me even fewer times.  I’ve managed to keep up with most people, through here, but they will lose their connection to me, as I’m already writing less and less, as the days go by and after a move out, will probably cease writing here completely, for a while.  I’m trying to wrap my head around everything, so that, when the day comes I can be better prepared.  But how do you wrap your brain and psyche around completely losing the person you gave your soul to?  I know there are people out there, who will never be able to understand what I mean by this, given my relationship philosophies and how I view love and intimacy.  But, I did.  montieth is the only person I’ve allowed all the way in.  He’s the one that sees the darkest sides of me, up close and personal and sees the tormented hell that I actually exist in.  How do you rearrange your being, to know that the person you allow that to, wants to cast you as far away as possible?

I know there’s a cotton candy way to couch all of this, but that doesn’t change the basis reality of the whole situation.  Because I let him all the way in, it’s become a liability for him and because it’s a liability, I have to go.  That realization hurts me, because I know he doesn’t feel the same way.  Least, it’s not felt as deeply.  Normally, it’s something I can accept and be comfy with, but for some reason this is not one of those times…. 

I’m sitting here, at home. Wishing I knew if I was contagious or not, because I’d much rather be watching a seminar with my teammates at our sister gym, then sitting around, and letting my mind wander into the “I’m not wanted around here anymore” territory. Half of me just wants to pack everything up and leave, the other half just no longer gives a shit and wants to wallow in misery. If anything, being sick has proven to me, how much I have let things go, I feel more like a dog in this house, than anything. Though, I think a dog would get more credit in going to fetch things, than I have. But hey, I guess I could just consider this payback on all those “taken for granted” conversations and leave it at that, call things even and be done with it all.

But reality sinks in, and that dark hole swallows me, making me realize, that if I do leave, I will be gone. I admit on a daily basis, how I’ve thrown away all my friends here. Not purposely, just in that lives get busy, and that’s the way things go sometimes. When I started this year, my goal was to put together my list of friends that I wanted to spend, at least, once a month with – playing catch-up – and I haven’t done it yet. So far, I’ve only managed to get out to ZA once, where I inadvertently insulted thegreyman‘s gf (I really wasn’t meaning that, since I consider what was being described as being psycho, not insane – but that’s beside the point). And ended up sitting next to someone I can’t stand, professionally or personally. :-/

I’m trying to get myself to a better place, mentally, restructure my support group, so I can move on and follow my dreams. I’m not doing so hot, but only because I don’t stop to smell the roses more. I think I’m going to do that after Pan-ams. Been talking about taking some time off of competitions, maybe after this tournament season, so I’m not constantly training for one, or spending money on them. I’m not burned out, yet, but my soul is gasping for air.

Anyway, for those of you, who I have expressed interest in having lunch, dinner, brunch, coffee, etc, please respond with days that are good for you, in the next coming months (all comments are screened). I know it sucks to “schedule” crap, and I hate it, but if I don’t I’ll overbook myself. My goal is to make it out to brunch at least once a month, when my schedule permits, I’ll post when I will be there. Thanks to this illness, I’ve promised my Sundays to the office, but that doesn’t guarantee I will have clients. I want to go tomorrow, but I have no clue exactly how contagious I still am (which is the whole reason I’m still home right now).

Also, any girls up for a girls night in? Or something? I’ve fallen by the wayside in taking physical care of myself (meaning, shaving, facial care, nails, etc) and it really doesn’t help my mental stability.