Down the rabbit hole we go…

Nothing says “teh suck” like living through the plauge and now having insomnia.  I have a lot of crap going through my head, job-related, but as normal mostly home related.  I’m not going to try and explain my attachment to my roommate, as even I can’t define it for myself.  My ex seemed to be under the impression that everything dealt with my desire to be with him – as in “a couple”.  However, that doesn’t even touch it, as I readily admit that the attachment (like almost all of my other attachments) has nothing to do with sex – as my ex seemed to think.  montieth and I have been through a lot together, he has helped me grow in so many ways, I can’t even begin to list them.  Normally, in cases of the teacher/student, the student would be ready to go out into the world and either become a teacher, or find a new one to take them to the next level.  This is vastly different. as I think there is a much deeper bond, least on my end, than the student/teacher bond.

So, needless to say, any ripple that echoes through the relationship, that brings some sort of change, brings me a lot of pain.  I don’t expect the friends of his, who don’t know me, to understand this.  I can’t say I appreciate some of the crap they’ve spewed to him, in regards to this, but to each their own.  But this is the source of my constant state of depression.  Knowing that my foundation is crumbling apart and that I have to fix it.

The one we’ve come up with, is for me to move out.  Well, not my ideal fix, but it will definitely fix the problem.  Unfortunately, it creates a new problem – namely, it further removes me from the outside world.  Of all the people that I can honestly say I know, I know myself.  I know, that if I move into my own place, I will shut myself away, stay on my side of town and those who see me less will see me even fewer times.  I’ve managed to keep up with most people, through here, but they will lose their connection to me, as I’m already writing less and less, as the days go by and after a move out, will probably cease writing here completely, for a while.  I’m trying to wrap my head around everything, so that, when the day comes I can be better prepared.  But how do you wrap your brain and psyche around completely losing the person you gave your soul to?  I know there are people out there, who will never be able to understand what I mean by this, given my relationship philosophies and how I view love and intimacy.  But, I did.  montieth is the only person I’ve allowed all the way in.  He’s the one that sees the darkest sides of me, up close and personal and sees the tormented hell that I actually exist in.  How do you rearrange your being, to know that the person you allow that to, wants to cast you as far away as possible?

I know there’s a cotton candy way to couch all of this, but that doesn’t change the basis reality of the whole situation.  Because I let him all the way in, it’s become a liability for him and because it’s a liability, I have to go.  That realization hurts me, because I know he doesn’t feel the same way.  Least, it’s not felt as deeply.  Normally, it’s something I can accept and be comfy with, but for some reason this is not one of those times…. 

3 comments

  1. first of all, it may not be as bad as you think it will be, to move out.

    2nd he may not withdraw from you as much as you think.

    the deal here is IMO you are putting too much energy into the future stuff, the things that may (or may not) happen.

    if you shut some of that out and just live, you may lose some of the anxiety.

    i know what you mean. i find myself, that i have gone through this several times. right now i am on the verge of becoming reclusive, and i have a real problem finding someone to relate to and open up with.

    it sucks, and couple that with all the insecurity i am going through opening the gun-shop upon which i’m spending scads of money, well
    sometimes it gets a bit much.

    when i get panic stricken i just try and center and relax.

    good luck. have a hug on me.

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    1. No, it’s not him pulling away, it will be me doing the isolation. If I walk out the door, then I’m gone. That’s just the way it is with me. Whether or not he chooses to pursue the friendship is up to him, as it’s his comfort level and the space that he wants (I’ve got my space, and I’m comfy in it), which means he’ll have to be the one to reach out and let me know when he finds his space. Whether or not I’ll have the time or desire to work with that, is unseen. But I know how lazy I am, and more than likely will have no interest in going out and being social.

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  2. I’ve had to isolate myself recently in order to repair some pretty heavy damages.
    Isolation isn’t that bad, but like a lot of things it should not become the standard by which you live your life.
    I’m here if you need to bend an ear. Seriously.

    Like

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