Not because I'm invisible, even though I might be, but because you choose to not see me.
That's pretty much a summary of the waters beneath the surface for the past 3 weeks. I'm usually content to be in the background, doing the things I do because it's who I am, or how I choose to express myself. But the one time, the one time, that I made the choice to step up and say "HEY EVERYONE, REALLY LOOK AT ME!!!" I received the biggest smack down I could ever imagine possible. Worse than any of the shit I put up with going through middle and high school (and believe me, not all of it happened at school, so let's just say girls can be bitches and leave it there). So yeah, not planning on doing that ever again. But at least I know who my family consists of, and I'm grateful to them, even if they were part of the reason I broke before I was supposed to. But I shattered and I'm trying to pick up the pieces, little by little. The universe hasn't been totally helpful, because every time I try to take down time to hit up the mountains, or the river, or something; it manages to pop up and say, "Oh, you want time off? You sure about that?" and when I prove that I am, I come back to a clusterfuck bigger than I left to say, "See, you really shouldn't have taken that downtime. Normally, by this point in the year, I've had a month and a half of vacation. It's what keeps me sane, because I really do need 2-3 weeks to decompress from my job. So far, I've had a week and a half – and that wasn't a real, don't deal with anything work-related, vacation. I really need to just hole up in a cabin with no cell signal or wifi. Just me, coffee, a book, nature, and maybe Pastry (if he can get the time off).
I'm finding I need to re-establish my boundaries. I put myself out there for people, for whatever reason, and find that my margin of returns are exceedingly slim. Those who will continue to be blessed by my thoughtfulness are the ones that have shown themselves to return it, in some way – whether it's "paying it forward" or "kicking it back". I love them, and they get it. But I'm really tired of the dead ends. I'm really tired of looking out the window and seeing what is happening outside. The level of stupidity is astounding to the point I want to slam heads against a mirror and say, "What the fuck are you doing? Don't you see what you are doing?" But it would be useless. Very few are interested in self-reflection, and those who don't even consider it till they hit the proverbial wall are so blinded that they don't even know they've hit anything. It's disheartening to me. Depressing.
I have no clue where I'm going with this. I had some totally awesome stuff in my head earlier. Fluid and descriptive. All the stuff my writing professors loved. All the stuff my muse would pour out on to the paper before she was blindsided and muzzled because she "just wasn't good enough". Stupid people. Stupid me.
My office has a purple rug with yellow and lavender flowers on it. That makes me happy. I need more purple and lavender flowers. I need more solitude. Whatever fire is burning inside needs to come out. I can't handle it anymore, I'm tired of containing it within. It's being fed by something I don't know, and something I'm not familiar with. I don't know how to calm it down. And I don't want it to destroy me.
I don’t really know what’s going on, outside of the fact that I am abnormally angry and I’ve been holding it in for to long. I don’t know what I’m actually angry about, just that I am. And all the little small things are just like another grain of sand up my ass crack to the point I think I have friction burns.
My vacations usually consist of hermit mode where no one can pull me out of it. Or, a foreign country where I can pretend I don’t know anything.
And yes, a lot of this is seeing patterns and whatnot of people that really don’t mesh with what I want around me – thoughtlessness being a big one. Unfortunately, it makes me want to bash their head into a wall, to beat something into it. And that’s where my problem is. I don’t have my safe violence outlet anymore, and I haven’t found a different means of accomplishing the same thing.
I could take the time off, I just haven’t. It’s really hard for me to justify it to myself this year. Next year, it’s going to happen, end of story, I do not want another year like this. Ever.
Get your safe violence outlet back!
I think I’m overdue for some nature, too.
We have plenty of it here!!!! Mountains, ocean, and flatlands. 😉 But get yourself out in it. Too much steel and concrete is bad for the soul. *hugs*
I have contemplated getting some throwing knives and a large chonka plywood as a source of cheap “safe” violence.