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Imbas Forosnai

I am sorely in need of inspiration. I feel drained, dead, and grasping as weak straws to pull myself up out of this hole. Honestly, I feel worse inside than the weather looks right now. I feel the pull to write, but few things emerge from my fingers even though the thoughts in my head are swirling around like a vanilla/chocolate pudding cup.

Direction, currently lacking and focus is about as tame as a golden retriever in a park….Oh shiny! Oh wait! Duck….no, SQUIRREL!!!! Yeah. I know this means transition, and transition is good even though it means slipping and sliding through mud to get to the water to clean it all off.

My parents are helpful, but I still feel like the worthless child who has capacity for greatness then fails miserably at every turn.

I wish the gov’t would hurry up and approve Pastry’s visa. One less thing to be in the back of my mind and haunting me.

I see the world around me, knowing that this is transition, but knowing that it could also go in the way that no one wants to see. Revolution seems to be the word of the day, and while I had hoped it would be at the ballot box, it seems that it will not occur in that location, but in a much worse manner than anyone had thought. It’s going to cause a lot of good people to question themselves and make choices they wish they had never needed to consider. And I hate the fact that I think this way.

Further and further down the rabbit hole…

Peeling back the layers…

My habits have been slow in coming, but in reflection of the last couple of weeks I’m finding it to not be like massage school, where the layers were peeled back. Instead of removing layers, this seems more akin to a cherry pitter, poking directly into the source and working its way out. This is the first time, in a long time, where tears just come. Normally, that is the result of seeking the result, either through repeated viewing of sad movies or listening to emotion evoking music. But it’s nice, to feel a tear, and not feel like it’s trying to stay in my tear ducts. I know I’m shutting a lot of pain up inside, my writing has been clogged (as the emptiness of this journal shows) and I feel like I’ve stunted myself in some way. The words don’t flow in the rivers previously known, nor do they just attach to the paper I carry with me. I’m still trying to get past that period where I always had someone questioning what I wrote and not leaving it simply as me expressing myself.

Since I wrote this and figured it was too long…

Yoga and other stuff

Already running into issues. I am not a morning person lately and working back to finding my natural sleeping habits. My regular morning ritual and the one I’m trying to shift to are at odds, which means waking up earlier – which obviously is not happening. I have been betting my Pranayama and meditation in, but last night I only ran through about 4 sets of C series sun salutations. They did feel good, but they happened before I went to bed, which is why I didn’t include A or B series. The storm of last week came through before I had any type of habit and I defaulted into the pot of coffee.

The nice thing, is that my poetry is starting to come back, so I’m really hoping the mass quantity of journals I carry right now will result in a means to write. Otherwise, when I have the laptop with me, I’ll just write in offline mode, I guess.

I am less stressed with the pending arraignment. The lawyer that rubberella referred me to is awesome, and I am quite happy with my choice and the fact he could meet with me the day after our phone conversation. It put me quite at ease, considering he was looking at all those ordinances with eyes other than mine. There’s also a good chance for Massage Therapists in Atlanta, but I’m not going to get ahead of myself.

Anyway, my habits are coming along, slowly. I just wish I was more of an early morning person and not a late morning person. Even went to sleep at 9.30pm last night, but apparently my body is in recovery mode. That meant 12 full hours of sleep, to my cats’ dismay. Lexus was quite irritated with me this morning, that I didn’t get up at 8am.

Yoga

So, the next 4 months are going to be seriously committed to yoga. More than likely, if I do write anything, semi-publically, it’ll probably be about that. So fore-warning. I’m predicting most of it will be under a cut to save you guys, some is going to be under the inner sanctum locks and some probably won’t be written here at all.

I’m also going to be taking long breaks from technology, with the exception of communicating with my immediate family and reading from time to time. So if I miss something, please email or text it to me. I do want to keep up with you all, but this is going to be some intense inner work. I’m really hoping to get over the last remaining issues of my 20s and early 30s, since I want to go into my mid-late 30s and 40s without all that residual anger.

If you all are interested in a yoga filter, let me know and I’ll create one. That way those who want to read my spoutings can, and those who don’t can miss it. This goes for Fb’ers as well, because I can cross post to filters, there.

About traveling…

I’m a wee bit pissed. My last 4+ trips have been nothing but nightmares, as far as the getting there part goes. I have no idea if this has been brought about by the issues the travel industry has faced in the last couple of years, but it has become too commonplace in my travel experience to not be “the norm” now. This time around, the first leg was marred by JFK having “issues”, which delayed my flight by 2 hours, just enough to miss my connection. The positive, was that Delta rerouted me to a direct flight to Paris and I only arrived 2 hours late. The negative, I got another toiletry bag to add to my growing collection (they couldn’t remove my bag from my original flight and load it onto the reroute).

The way back? Started off decently, was upgraded by Air France to the upstairs deck of the jumbo jet (assuming business class), where there were hot male attendants, larger seats and no one sitting next to me. Arrived at JFK 20 minutes late, but no biggie as they gave me a quick pass for the re-entry line. All’s going well….until my bag is one of the last ones off the plane. I applaud Air France for their fore-thought, given their penchant for being “fashionably late” that they might think to put bags with connections in a section that gets unloaded first. But apparently, being fashionably late is more important than efficient. Which leads me to the actual problem…

My flight was with Delta, my reservation number and flight numbers were Delta. I go to check my bag onto my next flight….Sorry! You need to go to the long Air France line to check your bags through. But wait! They require and hour to get your bags to your Delta connecting flight, so you can’t board unless you can carry your bag through security. What? You have unapproved liquids in your checked bags? Sorry!

They offered to transport me to LaGuardia, where I might have made the last flight out, which would have stranded me at the Atlanta Airport (gotta love MARTA). So, instead, they put me up at a slightly better hotel than Montreal, with an alarm clock set an hour ahead and walls so thin my neighbors kept me up an additional hour with their family movie full of explosions (my flight is still 1.5 hours away and I was up at 4.30).

IF, I have time this afternoon, a phone call will be made to Delta customer service, because that buck passing was bullshit. The Delta guy who passed me off to Air France was smiling at my negative commentary on the whole thing and I should have slammed Delta for the buck passing and gotten his name. All of this shit is ridiculous and there was no reason for the buck passing. I was a Delta patron on a flight being operated by Air France, not an Air France patron.

I honestly don’t know if this is just the universe saying that I shouldn’t travel, or if the industry is just ensuring they don’t get my money. I’m really not keen on it anymore.

France, day 4

My shoulders have finally relaxed, I don’t feel them as much, even though my neck still hurts a bit. So far, I’m adjusting better than the last visit, helps that we don’t sleep in till 12.

My bag still isn’t here, and I only bought one tank top the other day. At this point, it’s a bit wet from all the walking I did. Opted to roam the neighborhood and walk over to the mall. I think I covered about 2-3 miles. I much prefer the sports stores here, even though I was never able to find the other “multiple sport” swim suit from day 1. I did find a surfing swim suit that should accomplish what I need it for…stupid water workouts that require suits to stay in place.

Still nowhere near where I should be on the language front. My sentences are more a jumbled mix than anything meaningful. Oh well, not much I can do, considering the manner in which American schools choose to teach their languages and the fact that I have to undo all of it to learn the way I learned Portuguese and Danish (I’m at the point where I can at least understand what they say to me, even if I can’t respond. With French, I can’t even get to the understand part).

Tomorrow, bag arrives and it’s in-law time. I can’t remember if tomorrow is the pedicure or the facial. Either way, gotta wake up early. 🙂

Freak Trip ’11 France part 2

I have finally arrived. I am going to say that the airline industry is continually convincing me to save my money and not travel abroad. Yesterday’s drama started in the rush to arrive at the airport on time, which resulted in me being overly early….again. I set my updates for 3 hours ahead of time, so I might actually get everything done that I needed to do. Got to the airport, checked the bag in, everything is on-time, till boarding, started with the initial 30 min push back which turned into an hour, then an hour and a half, then we boarded and were told we had another hour. By that point I had talked to 3 agents about switching my flight, opted not to twice because my connecting flight had also been delayed (conflicting stories about AT controller issues and the weather). By the time we were stuck on the plane, I decided to give the last agent a call and see what was up. That news was that I would be stuck at JFK over night because I would miss my plane. Not wanting to take the chance on whether it would be further delayed or cancelled, I opted to switch to a direct flight. All’s good, right? I headed over to the international terminal to get checked-in and try to get my bag taken off the flight to JFK, which apparently failed, despite watching the woman talk to someone about it. I say apparently, because at this point no one has received a call stating my bag is in Paris and half the plane was at the Air France baggage service deck. So, there’s a decent chance my bag is still in Atlanta. I think I’ll have to create a new category for keeping tally, as my trips with connections are 0-3 on baggage arrival while my direct flights are 2-2 on arriving with me….except in this case, which is a bit special given the circumstances. I don’t fault them, but I am getting tired of over-sized Delta SkyTeam shirts and trial size deoderants. But Air France one-upped Delta, they gave me a 100eur/day allowance vs Delta’s $25-50/day.

I didn’t kill anyone, but whatever happened up there was pissing everyone off. Our Pilot was none-too-thrilled due to Atlanta telling us to get the fuck out of our gate and JFK telling them they can’t leave. In de-planing, I almost got security called because I failed to check out, mainly because I was in a hurry to get a seat on another flight. In all, I spent 6 hours at the airport. Normally, I’m ok with that, but only because it involves being at an airport other than my originating port. Reminds me, I need to check my Delta account.

Fun stuff!!!!

So last night, I got it in my head to start working on the entertainment system configuration for my living room. Disconnect the Mini, TV, speakers…everything and hoisted it up on the mantle to see what all I will need, provided I can run cables inside the wall that houses my fireplace. Not an ideal set-up, for now, but once the electrician can get into the attic I’ll have a better idea on what all I can do, but at least I know which basic stuffs I need to get ahead of time and stayed up waaaaaaaaaay too late looking at BestBuy, HomeDepot and Lowes to price out things. Also need to run to RadioShack, as they have decent stuff, too. Main thing is to run a new cable outlet and the HDMI outlet, I’ll deal with the sound system later, as I’m probably going to get a new one, if Pastry can’t bring his when he moves. So far, the really nice thing is that it opens up more floor space. The negative, is that I haven’t gotten the wall mount for my TV, so I can’t sit on the floor and watch movies clearly (gotta sit on the couch instead). Goal is to have this taken care of by September, if it gets cool enough, as the electrician and I both agree, too fucking hot for attic work. 😀

Sooooooo excited!!!!

Distance is not just a number

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

In August and September, millions of seabirds known as Sooty Shearwaters leave their homes in New Zealand and travel thousands of miles to the Gulf of the Farallones, just off the coast of San Francisco. Why do they do it? The feeding is first-class; the tasty fish and squid they like are available in abundance. I suggest you consider a Sooty Shearwater-type quest in the coming weeks, Scorpio. The very best samples of the goodies you crave are located at a distance, either in a literal or metaphorical sense.

FreeWill Astrology

Well, I will be traveling over 1k miles next week, and I hope to have things set up, so far, to where I will only need to do a minor monitoring of work-stuffs. I will be happy to get out of this country again, and this time, I’m leaving the news behind. I need to disconnect for a bit, really disconnect. I’m doing better at being mindful of my stress levels, and taking deep breaths as needed and telling my shoulders to drop. Even started water exercises on Tuesday mornings. Spent last weekend with good friends, need to do more of that, more frequently even if it means putting more money in the gas tank. Simplicity, need to get back to it, because I spend way too much time sitting on my ass (which is killing me) in front of a computer (which is killing me) and stressing (which is killing me). See the trend?

My eating habits are improving, slowly. I do remember to grab my granola bar as I head out the door and thanks to MARTA and its wonderful ability to be on time, I’m walking a lot more. The schedule is getting better, but I’m still missing a female therapist, the good thing is that I have dependable folks I can call upon from time to time to cover me. I’m happy to realize that I am finally surrounding myself with folks who not only reciprocate, but will allow me to be indebted to them for short periods of time, till I can repay them in some manner. I’m finally starting to feel secure in those relationships and not feel like I’m shelling out more than I’m getting back (and I hope that those involved feel the same, if not, let me know and I’ll put you in first place, I don’t intentionally forget that) – which, BTW psychosu, my mum reminded me to take you out to dinner when I get home, so start thinking what new and exciting place we can go.

Oh yeah, I need to stretch myself and stop worrying about getting everything perfect. As my dad said, I have 30 years to get my house perfect (but I can’t wait to have the bedroom tile and the door separations put in). I just need to remember, I have time.

And another interpretation, fill yourself to the gills when you can and spoil yourself on delectable items, but remember to be humble and live simply in the meantime. 😉

For the one who possesses my heart…

When I met you, I had given up on the idea of ever opening the doors of my heart again, to another human. But for some reason, the night I met you made me change my mind. There was something that you brought with you, that I could never quite make out. Your silent, but quiet understanding of everything I said. As we finally started talking, I found a long lost friend whose story I already knew and who truly understood me. I found a natural pattern that unfolded between us, nothing that really required much explanation and the things that did were met with an understanding that I have never been a part of. It was amazing.

I haven’t regretted anything between us, nor would I change any part of our journey to this day. Our angry silences have brought us to a greater understanding of ourselves and each other. Our joyous adventures have been absolutely amazing and have opened me up to a greater part of myself and the beauty that is around me. I cannot conceive of a time when I was not with you. Time has been endless and seems like every Sunday is a breakfast on the patio with music in the background or dancing in the evening, and a constant laugh always happening

You are amazing and I love that our souls sing in duet and our eyes give our hearts the same joy at the same vision.