Month: February 2012

I think I’m numb…

Maybe I'm just masking a lot of stuff at this point, doing my best to distract myself, I guess. I don't think I've actually sat down in a quiet space in a day or two. Haven't had time, been either busy, or….distracted. I'm still very sad, going through everything just to find snippets. Thinking of all fun and stupid stuff, like him dropping me on my ass as he piggy-backed me to my mailbox. He was horrified and I was laughing my ass off – literally. The time I was scared to death that I had made a bad impression when he finally introduced me to his parents, mainly because they made a huge turkey, and I couldn't eat enough of it – along with a few other issues that every insecure girl would worry about. The one that cracks me up the most, he wasn't even present for….when I finally landed a job at CNN, I set my browser to pull up his AOL profile, so I could have a picture of him with me at all time. Unfortunately, I forgot about that when I took my laptop into a presentation. In front of all the vendors, I pulled up my presentation and there was Thorn, in his black and white frowning greatness staring out from the abyss at them. On the big screen. Let's just say, that was learning moment. At which point I got a printed picture and hung it on my cork board next to my computer screen.

I should have tried to get out there more often. There was no reason for me not to head north at all, when I was out for competitions. We always talked about it.

At least we always have Ozzy, Pantera, and a black trench coat….Oh yeah, and the freaky guy with the forked tongue, literally. I think both of us got the shivers from that one.

I think he also set my fetish for Vikings, he very much was one, even though he'd never been over there. I hope he's sailing the fjords now, they're so beautiful and amazing. He would have felt completely at home there.

Never far from heart or head, forever in love…

My dearest Thorn,
I know I wrote you a beautiful love letter years ago, but it was something you have in your possession, not one that I can share with the world, now. So today, I'm writing you another one. I know it's too late, now, but I know that these words will reach you, in whichever hall you have been welcomed into, in Asgard.

Words cannot convey everything I have felt for you, over the years. But pure love is the source of all of those feelings. As you said in a letter to me, 12 years ago, it wasn't that "we were together or that we met, but how we found each other, melded bodies, spirits…" And we were. We became part of each other, parts that could never be separated from the other. Over the years, the time and distance did separate us, but no matter what, my thoughts were always coming back to you, and I could always feel you with me. Even through the darkest times I've faced, your calm voice was always at the end of the phone when I least expected it.

Our relationship changed over time, but the feelings were still there. Deeper and more profound than anything I have ever experienced. Smiling and throwing good vibes at every positive change in each other's lives. Offering kind words and virtual hugs whenever those positives turned course and were infiltrated by something negative. We worked healing magic on each other, whenever wounds were opened or festered.

We've come a long way, since we were two kids trying to heal from our first loves, finding strength and love in each other, till we became strong enough to branch out and spread that to other people who needed it. Always, always in each other's hearts.

Today, I shed tears; not because your light has not gone out, but because it shines in a different way, in a different land. The gods have called you home, I'm sure for an important reason, but your love remains. It's here in everyone you have touched in your short life, and it's here in my heart. Time and distance are, as you said, frivolities. 
I'm sure Odin will allow a daughter of the Morrigan to visit you some day. Till then, prepare for your battles, perfect your pranks and learn the tricks of successfully allowing people their own enlightenment. You will be well missed my love, but you live on.

Thorn Lokisson 1975-2012


So, I'm contemplating changes. The one that is in the process of happening is less on-line time. It will pretty much disappear when Pastry arrives (which, we do have a more solid date, just in time for our somewhat anniversary), as I'm on the computer just for our shared solitude moments. It also means I'll be more social, least on Saturdays and Sundays. Having gas money to go to potluck will be AWESOME!!! I'm also working on the inner workings. The sadness is going away, I'm not crying as much, but the series final of SG-1 has stuck with me since I watched it the other day. Not sure why, but it is because of the middle part. So well done to the directors on that one.

Simplification. I'm still working on it, but I never imagined how much of a mess it creates, just to get rid of stuff. Both in the apartment and in life. I'm trying to not take some things as personal as I have taken them, but finding that last thread to cut is always difficult when you don't have a magnifying glass.

Mindfulness. Been increasing this aspect, and I'm not sure if it's creating an irritation or not, because I'm finding that other people who are not as mindful are creating issues that grate on the outset and settle later. Case in point, this morning. Someone in my office dragged one of the wooden chairs across the floor with that nice loud "screeeeeeeeeeee" sound. Made me cringe because it didn't phase her at all. But hey, she thanked me for letting her use my electricity, which was cool.

Happiness. I really am happy, for the most part. I recognize things that I need to improve on, and I am working on them. My social life needs more variety, but I am getting out and being social with other people in one-on-one situations. And I'm being useful. Helped a friend put together her bathroom furniture over the weekend, and it was awesome. Have a class to take tomorrow, with friends, after working on a friend, so lots of friends there. 🙂 Upcoming is my yoga class' monthly gathering and book club, which I get to help with, so thrilled with that. I love me some book clubs, especially yoga centric book clubs. Just need to go grab my copy of the book so I can get started. I'm also helping out at grove, as I've been asked to co-facilitate the upcoming ritual. I was pretty nervous after saying yes, but at the same time, I'm very comfortable with the idea. Which, I should be, as my grove position requires me to be the "back-up", so to speak. So time to step up. I'm hoping this will help me in being more "on time" with my responsibilities and stuff I say I will do. I'm pretty bad about coming up with the "back out" reasons, and I need to stop that.

Funny story about that…

I came to another realization today, some of my anti-social behaviour is due to feelings of inadequacy. Not sure where they come from, as I was always a shy child, so my silence is not from there. I do recall many a time growing up, and as an adult, where I felt like I was being dismissed or just where my crappy timing and organizational skills fall flat due to nightmarish schedules I have to work with.

Where I feel inadequate is mostly when I try to do things for others…meaning, parties, gatherings of some sort, whatever. They almost always seem to fall flat (with exception to the annual PP gathering). Other times, it's in trying to express things. I sometimes feel like I'm talking to a wall, or being dismissed for no reason whatsoever. Anyway, that wasn't a fun thing to realize today. I really wonder why I bother, sometimes. I feel like I'm stuck in some BS competition and I'm the only one not competing.

Maybe I'm just going through withdrawal from classes being over, but I'm not in a happy place right now.