Month: October 2007
Scorpio for this week:
“Dear Rob: Three and a half weeks ago, I had a dream that I was an archaeologist excavating hell. I took comfort in the fact that I was just a visitor, not a permanent resident, but my stay there was . . . well, hellish. Whenever I found an interesting artifact buried in the hot dirt, it would spontaneously ignite. I narrowly avoided getting burned again and again. Anyway, my actual waking life has pretty much felt like that ever since the dream. Yesterday, though, I felt the torment lifting. And then last night I dreamed of floating in a fireproof boat along an underground molten river of lava that eventually took me out to a green meadow under blue skies. Whew! -Sizzled Scorpio.” Dear Sizzled: Your journey parallels that of many of your fellow Scorpios. Welcome back from hell!
I can’t really say that I’ve felt like I’ve been in hell, although my insomnia has been a bit of a bitch lately. Sorting through my recent emotional growth has also been interesting, even though I’ve found it to be a roller coaster of awe-inspiring proportions. I think the one downside, has been trying to reconnect with those close to me. I feel that slipping away from me in ways that highly disturb me, but at the same time, this overwhelming freedom of a new beginning is creeping its way towards me.
For those I haven’t told (which is quite a few), my WT has decided to call our relationship quits, for some reason that eludes me, and which he won’t elaborate upon. It kinda pisses me off, because I see no reason for it, and he was trying to use my desire to see him grow in his life, as me pushing him away. Anyone who feels they need to throw family away for something like that, isn’t worth my time. And it sucks that it had to end this way, but I guess that’s just the way life goes. I’ve been making progress on my “clearing my conscience” post, that will occur on my b-day. So, I guess I should fill you all in on that…
I am coming to the close of another decade, and with that comes the shedding of more skin. In order to do that, I will be shedding my burdens. That is, all the grudges I’ve carried through my 20s. What this means, is that I will be posting an alphabetized list of people I hold grudges against, the grudge, and whether or not it is something I consider worthy of terminating a friendship over. Thankfully, at this point, there’s more positive than negative, least, from me. I understand that some of these might come as a surprise for you all who are on the list, and hopefully, for those of you, with whom I wish to start over, you will be willing to do so with me. Obviously, given whatever time needed to digest what I have to say. For those of you who wish to remove me from your life, I accept that choice and won’t hold it against you. There are just some things we cannot do, for whatever reasons are our own. At any rate, this will be posted on my birthday, so you have time to prep if, for any reason, you think you are on this list. There will be no commentary allowed, I will not discuss things, they will just be.
So about those pesky little things called emotions…..
Well, still trying to sort them all out. It seems I’ve stumbled into another hallway, with another door, and another burned out light. I’ve lit the candle and am starting to explore. See, months ago, I found I had this great friend, with whom, I share a lot in common. I fell for him in a way I totally did not expect, and is totally inconsistent with anything I’ve ever felt. The nice thing, is that he screwed my head back on straight, after the whole Brasilian fiasco, and from what he’s said, I provided the same for him.
Now, those close to me have had the opportunity to read all the gushing I have had to say about him, because he really is a wonderful person. But after discussions, and me pulling me crap, I feel a bit different. I want to say I’m bordering on absolute bliss, peace or whichever Sanskrit word is used to describe that point along the path of Kundalini, where the world just opens up. And, while there is absolute and pure love, there’s also pure acceptance of the days, and not even a glimpse to the future. This is odd for me, because this isn’t like the normal crush-love one would normally feel in these situations. It’s almost awe-inspiring to me, even to the point I really can’t put words to the swirling of emotions going on inside of me. I’ve been saying it borders on apathy, mainly because I really don’t care if anything further comes of our friendship. I am satisfied with what we have going for us, at the moment, and have no desire to push it where it doesn’t want to go.
However, I will say, that it has led me down some interesting stairwells within myself, and I am thoroughly enjoying the fact that I happened upon an individual that could point me in those directions, even if that wasn’t the expectation. It’s been something that’s I’ve needed, for quite some time, and I’m glad the universe saw fit to put things together, and that I’m paying well enough attention to realize it. If only I could discover the source of the lump in my throat. Not sure exactly what’s trying to come out, but I’m sure I’m on the right path to discovering it, and it’s another amazing ride. Hopefully, I will have enough of a mind to document the process here.
So, I’m finally crashing. The week hasn’t been THAT bad, outside of the fact that I haven’t gotten nearly enough sleep. So I spent yesterday and this morning doing just that. Was hoping for a low key weekend, but that didn’t seem to be in the cards. Met up with with 1st Sgt yesterday at Ted’s, was soooooo nice to finally meet him and get to talk to Kitty, his GF. She rocks my socks, too.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to get more on top of my languages, including English. I’m starting to feel like I’m lacking in many respects. I’m almost done downloading the French lessons my French Wench uploaded for me, and I need to get back to work on my Danish. I have a paper due, for my Grove, which I haven’t started because my brain was so dead that the questions didn’t make sense to me on the page. I think I might be able to at least outline for a couple of the questions tonight, and possibly finish up tomorrow.
We’re still lacking hot water, and I’m not feeling all that into going and pouring the boiled water into the bathtub. I’m feeling a bit isolated, but that’s my own making. I am starting to see that my time here is coming to a close. Which, for those of you who like to read into things, here’s the clear definition….I’m working towards moving to another state part-time. Still working out the logistics with my instructor, as he’s wanting to do the same. I’m just not seeing the sense in flying out to CA every other month for a tournament. It would make more sense to live there during tournament season, and train out there at the main academy. On top of that, it reduces the drama that we deal with at the local academy, for now.
I can honestly say, that I don’t know what I want. My closest friends, of current, don’t live here – exception being my grove family, and those that do, well, we’re starting to walk off in completely different paths to the point I have no clue what is going on in the life of the person I live with. I’m obsolete here, if that makes any sense. My obligations and desires lie elsewhere right now. I’m running stuff through my head, seeing how to make things work, but I’m just not seeing it right now.
Sorry, I’m in a kinda low mood today. Whether that be from unexpected guests, being tired, or whatever. I just want to cry.
Scorpio for this week:
Eskimos of Siberia are perplexed by the changes in their climate, wrote Usha Lee McFarling in the Seattle Times. Thunder and lightning used to be exceptional events, but now they make regular appearances. Bizarre, balmy winds breeze in out of the south. Elders who were once skilled in the art of reading the sky to foretell the weather are at a loss. “The Earth is turning faster,” said one hunter. I suspect, Scorpio, that you’re having a comparable crisis of faith on the personal level. For you, the Earth may not only seem to be rotating at a speedier clip, but also at a different angle. One of these mornings, you may even see the sun rise in the west. But your situation isn’t necessarily as disturbing as the Eskimos believe theirs to be. For all you know, the signs are portents of rebirth.
Ya know, for the last 10 years I’ve been in the process of rebirth, and that day is coming in less than a month. The only thing, which is starting to worry me a bit, is exactly how do I want to be reborn? I can feel the changes, especially the major ones in the recent months. Things calling me to other places and turning me upside down and inside out to the point I’m not sure which direction I should go. I know the direction I want to go, but I also know that right now, that is not the direction to go. Least, not right now. I’ve looked at the map, and there’s another street ahead of me that will lead to the same spot, so I think I’m going to wait for that turn. BUT, is it better to wait, hang out at the corner for a bit and see who I meet up with, or continue on till I come to the next intersection? I’m excited, but at the same time, there is trepidation in the decision. My default reaction is to take what I can get now, as more than likely my wait will be too long of a wait. Or is that the point? I have no fucking clue, but the excitement is killing me.
Wow, it seems like I haven’t said anything in a good while. This last week was a rush, on multiple levels. My best friend got here last Saturday, but I was with the family camping, so we hung out Sunday night for dinner then had Monday and Tuesday together. Progpower started on Wednesday, so my usual work week was extended a day. It wasn’t that bad, since I only had to deal with one band that night, and all we managed to do was get lost finding their hotel. No big deal, since it was my fault for not knowing where it was and going down the wrong streets. Julien, Drew and Amanda got in Wednesday too, picked them up at the airport and ran into Wayne, Chris and Nathan. Got lots of hugs. Not sure what was going on with that day, as I made a point to get everywhere early, but somehow I always ended up late. Guess the universe felt like laughing at me. The bonus was all the boy snuggles, as well as the 3-way snuggles with my ET, have I mentioned how much I love that woman? Anyway, Thursday was awesome, I got to see Shane actually play an instrument instead of tuning it. Also got to see my boys in Freak Kitchen and get some awesome video from the vancam with them. Vanden Plas didn’t make it, so I didn’t get to joke with Andy this year, but that’s ok, hopefully they can get everything with customs cleared up and show up next year. Friday was awesome, even though I was dealing with 6 bands, didn’t get much sleep, but hey, it’s how the weekend goes. Also got the joys of introducing Damian to the wonder that is the 3 Swedes of Freak Kitchen. The reaction was hilarious. The best part was getting to see Communic from the pit, which made my day. I love those guys and it’s nice to understand what they’re saying between songs instead of hearing only Norsk. The downside, was not being able to get my nap in, before picking up Redemption. As much as I love the porch party, my room was right above it and they were keeping me awake. Saturday…..oh yeah. Can I just say I had the biggest joygasm that day? Not only did I wake up with a rash from wrestling with Kristor the night before (skin rubbing against the velcro on my skirt), but I also got to sit and talk with Damian for 20 minutes, as well as see Threshold from the pit, and they dedicated a song to me. It was sweet, and cracked me up as I thought, “This is awesome, most of the people in this place have no clue who [that freak] is.” I also got to see Drew play the fanboy part, which was highly amusing, he’s so cute when he does that. Anyway, the festival was awesome, the people were awesome, my roommates rock my socks.
The downside, is that I saw two parts of my life collide. I don’t really wish to speak about it much, but it’s one reason why I compartmentalize so much in my life. These two are oil and water and they do not belong in such proximity of each other. It really saddened me, on both sides of the coin, because it wasn’t intentional. Just really, really bad timing. The other part, is that the gym drama is acting up again. So I guess I might be looking for a new place to train, here soon. It really sucks, because all I want to do is train with my teammates and fight. But someone always has to be looking to make a quick buck, and selling out. Least it happened before I got attached to my new teammates. Oh well, guess I’ll just pick up and move to the next gym. Hopefully with my teammates, if not, guess I’ll join my other teammates that went to their own place.
Scorpio for this week:
“A person is a poet if difficulties inherent in his art provide him with ideas,” said Scorpio poet Paul Valéry. “He is not a poet if they deprive him of ideas.” Riffing off this definition, I nominate you to be the zodiac’s honorary poet for the next three weeks. You’re in prime position to capitalize spectacularly on your problems, both by generating wildly useful ideas and by drumming up fascinating opportunities for yourself. To assist you in your labors, I offer two more aphorisms from Valéry: (1) “Two dangers constantly threaten the world: order and disorder.” (2) “The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.”
Might be something to go along with this past weekend….good stuff came out of it. Will do the write up later.
Freakchylde's 