Month: October 2007

Pronoia

I’m am really enjoying this book, as well as some of the suggestions. So, instead of just writing in the book, I’m also going to post some of the stuff here. 😀 One reason, is so it will be easier to differentiate the handwriting, as I hope to let others borrow the book and add their own ideas to it.

And, it’s sparking a few cool ideas that I hope to bring to fruition in the next year.

So, I broke down and found a copy of Pronoia: is the antidote for paranoia by Rob Brezsny. I haven’t managed to read much out of it, yet, but what I have skimmed through is awesome. He’s got some great quotables in there, and it’ll give me a decent amount of meditation fodder for a while.

The rage has subsided, and there’s still some residuals there, but it’s manageable. Today, the plan is to start on this journal from the beginning and edit tags. Go look through REI and make a list + prices of what I want, then head to the gym for some light training.

I also need to go and look at wood, since my Scotsman is going to let me assist him in making a meditation bench for me, as well as a computer desk for my bed.

The other night, I broke my nature girl that has hung on our front door, to assist in repairing the broken house, we’re going to put her back together, together.

Yesterday was good, it helped to get out, and the energy was very low key, so it was nice to be able to move as I wanted. Now, to just clean the house. 😀

Positive thoughts for the day:

In less than 6 months, I can take out a consolidation loan and pay off the Element.
Sometime, in this next year, I will start moving to San Fran (lookout MOONBATS!). My instructor will probably be out there first, but I said when he goes, I’ll start the process.
I am just dealing with residual anger, right now.
My Scotsman and I are a work in progress, and there’s actual progression.
I feel like being social right now.
I admit that I need help, and will be looking for a psychologist.
My journal has a new layout, doesn’t match the rest of the site, but it functions and I can edit it to match later.

Winning and Losing

I’m sitting here, going over and over in my head the words, “I can’t win this one, can I?” But that’s not exactly the question, given the current situation doesn’t involve the ability to win. If it does, then obviously I’ve lost already. The only problem is, I’m not the only one losing, I just seem to be the only one realizing it. One day, I will be gone, and the realization will hit, and then wonderment at when it actually happened. Well, I’m marking this day down, because today is the day I realized it. It’s been a process in coming, just didn’t expect this. I knew it, when I came home from Europe, that the process had begun. I had hoped that it was reversible, but those hopes were based on something that wasn’t meant to be. It’s sad to watch, because I’m the only one observing, just a passer-by, don’t mind me. Just seeing memories float through my consciousness.

Then again, we’re all just moments in time, that happen to intersect in the grander web that’s woven.

So, my ET and I were emailing, and one of our tangents involves why I’ve given up on relationships. One of the reasons, is because they’re just not worth it. Seriously. The other problem, is that I really just don’t like people. More specifically, and this seems to be magnified of late, inconsiderate people. I do what I can to stay out of people’s way, due to my own conditioning into feeling like I’m some kind of burden upon someone else. So I just prefer to entertain myself, in whichever way works for me. I have serious pet-peaves, mostly just little delicacies of consideration. But I’m finding, that more and more, the manners that I grew up with, are suddenly figments of imagination. Technology keeps us in touch with everyone, constantly, and most of us have no concept of the off button. It’s really sad, in a way, and says a lot about the isolation of us as people. I mean, I’m not really one to talk when it comes to socializing, as I prefer the written word much more to the spoken word (except in very narrow circumstances). But, at the same time, it leads me to want to isolate even more, since obviously the person in front of you, with whom you’re having a conversation, is no longer important, as much as the person who is calling, texting or IMing you. And people wonder why I’ve always been attached to my computer. I’d rather write out what’s in my head, than worry about whether or not what I’m speaking is even being heard.

Since I’m quite sure this bears repeating, and would probably explain to many of you why I rarely answer my cell phone…

Wireless Manners and Etiquette

With that said, don’t ask questions you’re going to walk out while in mid-answer, and not excuse yourself for calls that aren’t non-emergency/work related. It makes people feel like worthless tidbits, so don’t wonder when they react to you as such.

So, I’m sitting here, watching the kittens terrorize everything awake in the house. And to think they were doing good a bit ago by just sleeping. Talking with my friend J, looking at the dreary – but welcome – weather outside and thinking it’s almost right. I’ve been enjoying the stillness that exists here, probably too much, since I can never manage to wake up before 8.30 or 9. The lights are currently off, and it’s beautiful. I have an email conversation going with my ET, since she’s at work already and my Progchat is open.

I got one of my gift cards from my mum, for next week’s road mark. Trying to decide if I should use it to get my new tent, or see if I can spread it around a bit for a new hiking pack (need one for a week, for those European trips), small parts to fix up my bike, etc. etc. Decisions, decisions.

I’m still in shock about Jeremy, talked to his wife for the first time yesterday and I had no clue what to say to her. My Bitch has been awesome, and is talking to her every day, and I love him for it. Jeremy was my brother, but at least I can now call and check on her as well.

Tomorrow are the parties, so yes, get to the House of Pynkcakes early, since I won’t be able to stay long. I have another party to head to after that, so I figure 3 hours there, and 3 hours at the other party and I’ll be socialized out. Weekend after, I will be at _gothfather_‘s Guy Fawkes party (which, I don’t have directions to your place yet, and I only vaguely remember from the last visit), for a little bit, after my tournament.

I still need to redo stuff with the site, both my journal pages look like shit now. But with things finally toning down, I might have a chance before the end of the year. Here’s hoping! Though, LJ is the only one I have real trouble with, my blogger journal is a fairly easy fix, I’m just too lazy to do it.

Scorpio for this week:

Don’t eat stale candy from a vending machine where it has sat for six months. Don’t seek advice from people who haven’t changed their minds about anything since the last century. And don’t wear clothes you acquired before 2005 or cling to attitudes you adopted before last month. Catch my drift, Scorpio? You need to evade every influence that tends to keep you frozen in the past. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it’s time to make yourself fully available for the healthiest kind of future shock. Halloween costume suggestions: a grinning exclamation point, a rose bud about to burst open, a welcome sign, a religious devotee dressed in white.

FreeWill Astrology

This kinda goes with what I’ve been planning, anyway. Thank you dear Rob for finally jumping on my bandwagon. I think I finally have my list done, and was not as extensive as I had originally thought. It’s amazing to look at it, and see how many issues I have managed to resolve over this last decade, knowing that I’m leaving it with very few issues. I’d also like to say, that I’m in a much better headspace today. My Scotsman and I have spent a good deal of time talking, helping me flesh out things. My downside is that my anger issues led to me injuring my training partner last night. I didn’t mean for it to happen, yes, things like this do happen, but I also question whether or not her injury would have occurred, had these issues not been present? Really sucks, and had to take a breather around the parking lot, last night, after it happened.

I am back on my Relora, twice a day this time around. My Scotsman rocks for getting home last night before me, and setting up my Airport Express, so my room can be my sanctuary. We just need to tweak a few things so the music doesn’t time out (which is odd, because my network doesn’t hiccup like that).

Tomorrow, I die again. It is my initiation, into yet another phase of my existence. I look forward to it and welcome it with open arms. I think the timing is very appropriate for me, given all that I am planning on doing in the next few weeks.

The only other things that I really need to take care of, are loan consolidations and paying off that credit card. Both, of which, I’m almost there.

It is strange, this time of year. The things least expected, should be expected, and news comes, that breaks up the monotony.

Four years ago, I met an amazing man on accident. He was the friend of my Bitch, who was kind enough to let a stranger sleep on his couch, because our friend was going through some personal issues that required space. Today, I found out he passed through the veil, after 29 years in this realm. They don’t know the cause yet, but it’s assumed to be a heart attack.

May your ancestors welcome you with open arms, and Jesus give you peace. I love you Jeremy.