Since I promised myself, and I promised my ET I would blog….hopefully getting to the source of my current frustrations and latest irritations.
Since I’ve gotten back from Europe, I’ve pretty much managed to seclude myself off, and cultivated a really nice environment of solitude. When I want silence, I have it, outside of the regular patterns of nature outside the window (or a result of me sitting outside). Which, is quite often, allowing myself to ease into the day, due to my Scotsman sleeping in late, or working odd hours. I’ve gotten used to the openess that exists, and one that I enjoyed while living alone. It’s allowed me to explore and understand myself to the point that I am discovering a certain peace within, and I’ve been embracing it quite fully.
There are times, when I’ve taken a bit out, to listen to bands that I will be working with, in this next year, and those that hold possibility for future years. And it’s just me, my laptop, a cat or two – or 4, and my music.
When my Scotsman is around, it’s him in his room or on his gaming computer decompressing or taking his own time.
I understand that all of this has spoiled me, to an extent, but I’m finding that this is what I need, in regards to everything else I do in my life. I’m working on being social (such as Sunday brunch that so many of you didn’t show up for), and possibly attending a few parties in the coming weeks.
However, I feel a good bit of my weekend retreat has been infiltrated and destroyed, to the point I spend Sundays fuming and Mondays trying reconnect. At first, the accusation was blamed on jealousy. However, in order for that emotion to manifest, as I understand it within myself, I have to be envious of something. And the one thing that I can honestly say I’d be envious of, is the intangible object of time. Added to that, neither envy or jealousy will move me to the point I want to absolutely destroy someone. So, cross that one off the list. It’s irritation. I’m a creature of habit, mostly, not necessarily in the function of always being on a set schedule, but in the function of expecting certain acts to occur in order for action x to manifest. The first weekend this happened, I wasn’t aware of the change in situation till a few days before. As standard, I’ve always requested a week’s notice. I figured it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, I’ll just maintain my space as normal and all will be fine. No. My precious silence was destroyed, as mornings consisted of meaningless, to me, chatter and my day of quiet was interrupted.
For those of you who have managed to become friends with me, and come into my world, you know it usually started with someone expressing interest and the cautious dance of familiarity and boundary discovery. I don’t react well with, what I see as, an enemy invasion. Forced entry will be met with an equal and opposite force of exit, until the boundary is made clear. When one does not recognize the boundary, the opposite force of exit will be increased until the invading body is either purged from my space, or from this planet – whichever comes first. When this comes to people, my silence is the result of societal graces – you know, better to say something nice, or not say anything at all? And in the case of invasion, there is never politeness to be expressed. For the most part, especially when it comes to guests, I have left that up to the one who brings the guest. If any of mine were to overstep something, it would be my duty to inform them of that and make sure that it didn’t happen again. I expect a return in kind, or maybe that’s a bit too much to expect – and rudeness is an accepted result of false hospitality. But that’s a different tangent, for a different day.
But I’m not good at chit-chat, I’m not good at discussing things I truly have no interest in. And above all, I hate being forced to converse, which will usually result in blank stares and various grunts of disproving pleasure. Again, I’m a creature of habit, if you see me showing any of these signs, it means something is wrong. If you are a friend, you are welcome to take the time to ask (meaning you will give me the time for an explanation vs. you’re asking for self-esteem issues as you want to run the other direction), and if I sense it is the latter, I will give you a generic answer. If it’s the former, I will trust you enough to give you a decent answer, so you are aware. Otherwise, if it’s your friend, please pay no mind to the fact that I will walk away from them.
Friendship, to me, is something that grows from an initial connection I feel to various people. If it is not there, I will not cultivate it. I do not like people forcing it on me, nor do I like people feeling they need to be friends with me, because I’m close friends with someone in their circle. This, is effectively, what I have been feeling for the last two weekends. The first weekend, I got a list of things that we share, and a few statements insinuating that because of commonalities ‘a’-‘e’, i should feel ‘f’. Why? Because, apparently my actions to maintain my peace led to assumptions. Which, normally is fine, because I’ve found if people think you hate them, they will stay away. Unfortunately, that was a false assumption on my part. Fact is, I’m not inspired, therefore, I’m not going to force it and not going to have much to do with it. This last weekend was an improvement, I will acknowledge that. Less idle chatter and more peace for me, outside of the fact that you could feel the impetus to break the silence welling up like a toilet about to overflow. And that, was an irritation for me, thankfully not great enough to totally disrupt my goal as it did the previous week. My only real issue was that there was a forced conversation earlier, that I really didn’t want to take part in, but couldn’t bring myself to say, “Yeah, that’s cool, but can you please go elsewhere. I really don’t want to talk to you.” And it’s been one reason, why I’ve taken to being curt with my Scotsman during the duration as well. My emotions are best sorted out later, when I have time to ponder them, reconcile them and speak politely about them. Elsewise, one will get the full brunt of an initial reaction. And at this point, that would be a punch to the face, straight to the point, accurately describes the inner quandary, but less civilised and IMO would deviate from the way I choose to live my life. But Saturday morning, that was what I was wanting to do, as well as last night, when I was trying to spend my insomniac hours trying to calm myself down to the point I could sleep. I don’t like feeling this way, especially when I have more important things to be focusing on, and this detracts from those.
To an extent, the problems of this weekend were much less than those of the previous weekend, however much they combined with the bad-timing of my friend Jeremy’s death. I’m not going to hold something against someone, if it’s because I didn’t tell them. However, at the same time, I want to share as little as possible about my life, nor do I wish to know anything about the person asking. I really am at that point, where I am apathetic about knowing this person. Damage has already been done, best to salvage what is possible, namely sanity and self-preservation.
Anyway, I’ve gotten the suggestion to come up with other things to do on the weekend, down to going camping and staying out of the house, if necessary. Which is, more than likely, what will happen in the coming month. I have tournaments coming up, and I need this solitude, I also have a lot of things I need to work through, and this is just a moquito bite on the ass of all my issues. I don’t need the distraction.