Day: August 13, 2006

Ok, I just have to comment on this stuff. This is my myspace horoscope for today:
Although you might seek romantic involvement, your need for self-determination is quite strong now. You cannot let others steer your car, even if you want them to drive it. No matter what kind of logic you apply to your current dilemma, you still may not be able to figure out the best course of action because of your internal conflict over the situation. Go ahead and do what feels right, but don’t focus on the long-term goals just yet.
I find it highly interesting, especially when coupled with what my Tarot card is:
Temperance – May you find transformation. Deck: Old English.

Normally, this stuff really is just a distraction, or some potential advice to be filed away for use at some later date when it actually is applicable. But given the recent headspace I’ve been in, this one actually came as a surprise in being fairly dead on for the current times. I know what feels right, right now, and I’m definitely following it, because I feel more growth will come to me as an individual for doing so. And that is the basis of my choices in pursuing my life. I want to grow, I want to see where my potential can take me and see what I can reach with it. I’ve been fairly stagnant for the last 4 years or so, but have been lucky enough in the recent years to come into contact with people who stoke my inner fires and remind me of what I originally wanted to do with my life. In this last year, I’ve had the benefit of the Morrigan stepping in and throwing stuff at me to get me to go in the direction I need to go. I have been extremely greatful to her for that. She’s made sure that the people who need to be in my life have entered, and I’m greatful that I was able to be conscious enough to recognize them and bring them in. This upcoming stage is going to be a slightly difficult one, but I’m proud to say that it will be weathered and things will be the best as a result. But in conjunction with the Tarot card, the transformation that I’ve been going through in this last year, is obviously not over. I have transitioned to where I need to be to complete the process. I guess that might be why I absolutely fell in love with Jean Grey’s character in X-men 2. It’s about being able to destruct, and rebuild with what needs to be there, vs what is wanted.

Friday was pretty good. Started out discussing my resentment issues with my therapist, was kinda funny because, as I sat there describing everything I’m feeling right now, he started laughing at me. Apparently, the things that were triggering everything, and the manner I was describing them, signified high synapse firings in the side of my brain that is male oriented. But, he did have some good suggestions. First thing I’ll be doing, is cataloging my boundaries. I’ll probably post them, as they’re seriously fucked up, and because of that, I’m pretty hardcore about them being breached. Would probably help out people who are trying to get to know me. I also need to work on my reactions to them being breached. Normally, I’ll just make note of it and move on, but I’ll hold a slight grudge. I need to stop holding those grudges, as they are the source of my resentment. But I guess that also leads back to resenting things within myself.

I know I’m starting to beat myself up, my friend R pointed that out last night when he pointed out that I really despise ring girls. I guess it’s mainly because I see the reactions they get, knowing they are the most vapid things on this planet (or they’re good actors) and have to sit back and accept that regardless how hot guys tell me I am, the ones I mesh with are always going to just see me as one of the boys. As Sunshine said, guys dream of the hot girl like me, but to actually be with me would kill the fantasy. That may not be true, but it does make things a bit easier to accept. Even though I dream about the guy that totally consumes me, search him out and then fall back into the depression of reality as I see him walk away.