Friday was pretty good. Started out discussing my resentment issues with my therapist, was kinda funny because, as I sat there describing everything I’m feeling right now, he started laughing at me. Apparently, the things that were triggering everything, and the manner I was describing them, signified high synapse firings in the side of my brain that is male oriented. But, he did have some good suggestions. First thing I’ll be doing, is cataloging my boundaries. I’ll probably post them, as they’re seriously fucked up, and because of that, I’m pretty hardcore about them being breached. Would probably help out people who are trying to get to know me. I also need to work on my reactions to them being breached. Normally, I’ll just make note of it and move on, but I’ll hold a slight grudge. I need to stop holding those grudges, as they are the source of my resentment. But I guess that also leads back to resenting things within myself.
I know I’m starting to beat myself up, my friend R pointed that out last night when he pointed out that I really despise ring girls. I guess it’s mainly because I see the reactions they get, knowing they are the most vapid things on this planet (or they’re good actors) and have to sit back and accept that regardless how hot guys tell me I am, the ones I mesh with are always going to just see me as one of the boys. As Sunshine said, guys dream of the hot girl like me, but to actually be with me would kill the fantasy. That may not be true, but it does make things a bit easier to accept. Even though I dream about the guy that totally consumes me, search him out and then fall back into the depression of reality as I see him walk away.