Month: July 2006

I think the extra day off every week has been helping me out a bit. I seem to be sliding back into my introspective self, and further away from my rushed self. I’m feeling the pull back towards the mountains again. The need to wash my feet in the streams, and immerse myself in the cool waters that spill down the rocks. This time, I’m taking my bike with me, so I can go further up into the park, where people start to thin out and become scarce. I’m starting to remember things again, getting into my normal patterns that allow me to be who I really am. Beginning to fit more quality time in my day, so I don’t feel like I have to sit at home before and after training, to feel whole again. My next step will be back to cultivating my magic. Yes, I work with it every day, to provide what’s needed to my clients. But I think it’s time I start refocusing on myself and learning and growing within my path. I need to start veil-walking again. My last few dreams that have stayed with me, make that apparent. It wasn’t that I was resting, during this last down-turn, it was that I was stagnating. It is time to start moving again.

My first step is going to finally begin writing the paper on Magic and my work, and the importance of magic in what I do for a living. I hope to have the first meditation draft written on the train ride home from NJ. The second will be on a similar tangent, in dealing with magic in my daily life. I’m hoping that will lead to a better focus, and a more intentional lifestyle than I currently have.

So, my amusement for the day…..I went to get my oil changed, and hopped over to REI afterwards, to spend some time between the finish of my car and the start of kickboxing. Well, picked up the sandals I’ve been wanting, forever, for half off, and then headed over to Circuit City. I saw they had the unrated version of Lords of Dog Town, so I picked it up as well. I get up to the counter, and the pimpled-face 17 year-old behind the register looks at me and asks for my ID. “You’re IDing for a movie?” “Yeah, it’s unrated.” So I start giggling, imagining the boot-kicking going on in his head as he sees “1977” for my b-date. Fucker didn’t even look at the date. He glanced and handed it back. I got carded by someone 10 years younger than me for a fucking movie, and he couldn’t even bother to actually look at the fucking date.

Least I found it somewhat amusing. 😀

I spent today talking with one of my fears. It’s a residual one from when I was sick. Of all things that I fear going without, I fear that my mind has given out on me. Since I was sick, I’ve always had a problem remembering things. Every so often, I stumble and I forget things that should be simple. Like turning off the stove or oven, what happened 15 minutes ago, the name of someone I just met. I used to be good at these things, but over the years, they’ve been going downhill and I find it harder and harder to figure out whether it’s progressive, or me just slacking on memory skills. I’d like to think it’s just the memory skills and being too busy to stop and breathe, but something inside has been gnawing at me for the last 5 years saying otherwise.

I hate the idea of having to be one of the pyscho post-it note fanatics, but there’s no way I can get around it. If I can’t remember the most simplist of things, then I need to find a way to keep up with it.

It’s damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. I knew it was going there. It’s never enough. I fuck up a couple of times, and it’s held against me. I make strides to step up, and suddenly because I did that the bar gets raised. I should go back to assuming I live alone and nothing will get done unless I do it. I’m much more at peace doing that, and feel a hell of a lot better because I know it’s going to get done and I’m not going to wait for someone else.

An interesting bit about communication….If you actually say something, you might be surprised that something gets done. It’s an amazing concept, you speak, and someone listens and speaks back to either confirm or negate what was said. I may be a witch, but I sure as hell am not a mind-reader. You don’t say it, don’t bitch if it doesn’t get done. If I can learn that one, so can others. Obviously, the concept of seeing a need an providing a service is an out-dated process. Or just something unique to me. Fuck it. This is why it’s always been better if I live alone.

Letter updates:

Apparently, it’s a sworn affidavit. Ya know, leave it to the fucking south to make being a massage therapist a pain in the ass. Last I checked, prostitution was ILLEGAL. So why the hell do I have to go through this, because it seems to me that they’re making sure I don’t pass any STDs to my clients. A Physical? Moral character references? Finger-printing? If it weren’t for the fact that my corp boss is low enough to report me for working without a county license, I’d say fuck this shit. But like hell I’m going to put my office boss through the shit of having to pay the fines for employing me.

Scorpio for this week:

In preparation for my public readings and performances, I often ask my hosts to make sure that there are pussy willows and pomegranates placed near the podium, along with a pint of absinthe, a jump rope woven from hemp for use in my interactive rituals, and a box of slave-free, non-GMO, organic vegan chocolates. What about you, Scorpio? What items would you demand in your rider if you were asked to speak about your philosophy of life to a curious audience? It’s an ideal time to meditate on this matter. According to my astrological analysis, you will soon be in the spotlight, will be encouraged to spread your influence more forcefully, and will have openings to ask for what you want with aggressive clarity.

FreeWill Astrology

I guess I would have to ask myself why I would need props to make myself comfortable enough to be in the spotlight. Is it to distract me from realizing I’m in a spotlight, and thus reduce my problems with being in a spotlight? Or is so that I may be more ready to explain my points so that they may be understood in full, and not mistaken for something else?

With that said, I hate spotlights, I hate being in them. I prefer the lowkey stuff behind the scenes and the quiet recognition, than the public announcements. I reserve the light for my friends who enjoy it.

Scorpio for this week:

In his book Cosmos and Psyche, Richard Tarnas says the planets don’t emit invisible forces that shape our destinies as if we were puppets. Rather, they are signals of the unfolding evolutionary pattern. Just as clocks tell time but don’t create it, the heavenly bodies show us the big picture but don’t cause it. Quoting ancient Greek philosopher Plotinus, Tarnas writes “the stars are like letters that inscribe themselves at every moment in the sky. Everything in the world is full of signs. All events are coordinated. All things depend on each other. Everything breathes together.” Can you work yourself into a state in which you perceive this sublime interconnectedness, Scorpio? You desperately need to. If you can, you won’t have to be an astrologer to catch profound glimpses of the overarching purpose and meaning of your life. Everything in the world, not just the planets’ positions, will be full of signs for you to read.

FreeWill Astrology

Almost like any good seer, they will see the path that is currently being walked, and see the end. Because that is the way it exsists now, until some change is made to that path to redirect it elsewhere.