Month: August 2006

Scorpio for this week:

What happens to buttered toast when it accidentally falls off a table? According to folk wisdom, it’s more likely to land buttered face down, and hence create a bigger mess than if it had fallen dry side down. In a research paper published in the European Journal of Physics, Robert A. J. Matthews scientifically verified that this folk wisdom is accurate. Or at least it is when conditions are normal. But conditions are far from normal for you, Scorpio. Cosmic assistance and good luck are flowing your way in such abundance that they’re rendering some laws of nature temporarily irrelevant. If you knock your toast off the table each morning for the next 15 days (and it’s quite possible you will, given how excitable you are), it’s not likely to ever fall butter-side down.

FreeWill Astrology

Now that’s awesome news. With that said, I can focus on fighting again. Makes me happy.

So, it seems whatever has been bugging me for the last 6 months, has finally decided to show itself a little more. I think I can thank the insomnia and the wonderful night out with the girls, to celebrate uglyfish‘s last days before death. 😉 Right now I’m just at the funky feeling, scratchy throat and headache point. Which means no BJJ for me today. We’ll see how I am tomorrow for kickboxing.

I went driving yesterday for tea, and drove about 2 hours, found tea, sat for 2 hours drinking it, then drove home. It was beautiful out yesterday. My Scotsman had a D&D game, so I left them to their entertainment.

Outside of that, I’m feeling pretty good. Doing much better in spirit, and planning on hanging out with one of my friends today. Just need to go to the Chiro before heading out there.

Scorpio for this week:

An artist in Santa Fe, New Mexico built a replica of England’s famous Stonehenge. But instead of using huge slabs of rock to mimic the original, Adam Horowitz erected his spectacular monument with 200 old refrigerators. Hence its name: Stonefridge. This would be a perfect time for you to draw inspiration from his efforts, Scorpio. Create your own personal imitation of a resource you love–a beautifully funky, playfully accessible substitute for a marvel that is impossible for you to own or control.

FreeWill Astrology

I’ll actually have to think on this one, check back later tonight or tomorrow.

This New Moon can set into motion deeply rooted conflicts that play out within your social world. Your values may be brought into question and it’s up to you to confirm what is important in your life. This isn’t about convincing others of your worth; it’s really about accepting yourself. If you discover that what you cherish is changing, accept this as part of your growth and evolution.

I’m not fully ready to talk about the stuff that this is in regards to, but I will say, that it’s echoing the conversation that shook my world back in November. It’s taken almost a year to process, and it’s almost ready to go into full-fledged action. I’ve actually been thinking on the next chapter in my life, and how I was going to write the opening paragraphs. They’re difficult ones, but ya know what, sometimes what we need/want, is not the easiest thing to actually go for. But unfortunately, this next chapter is something I need, in order to move on with the next stage in my life. This next year is going to be the prelude. And man, my 30s are going to be wild, but boy, is it going to be the best years of my life.

I think I like Lieberman, least a little bit more:

paraphrased because I’m too lazy to rewind:
I am a loyal Democrat, but my responsibility to America and its security is more important than my party affiliation. – The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer

Still wouldn’t vote him President, but I wouldn’t mind him as my Senator.

My date with a pedophile (though, I was so about getting him away from me, it didn’t dawn on me till an hour ago)….

Alright, so to try and pull myself out of the bottom of the hole that I’ve dug, I decided to hit up the Cinema and finally see Pirates 2 (loved it, almost cried, in a Jack Sparrow kinda way). So I’m snagging the ticket from the little machine do-hickey, and there’s this guy standing nearby and asking me what I’m going to see. I told him Pirates, because I hadn’t seen it yet. Not even do I have enough time to get through the “security”, but he’s walking up to the ticket counter. Bells are going off in the back of my head, because apparently, lacking eye contact and short sentences wasn’t enough of a hint. So I get in to the theater, and 5 minutes later he comes strolling up and parks himself 2 seats down (this is why I love my geekbag, it’s a space maker) and starts talking to me. The best part, is he’s on my bad side, so I can annoy him by continually asking what he’s saying. Next thing I know, he’s asking me what school I go to. Huh? Inner monologue: Oh yeah, I look 12, forgot about that. I say that I don’t, and he asks what I do, oh yeah, the ultimate pick-up line for me, “BTW, I’m a massage therapist.” So I keep looking forward, laughing at the stupid commercial stuff, because it’s more entertaining. Finally, he says, “I take it you’re not single.” Normally, I would just say I’m a lesbian or asexual, but hey, if he’s gonna go there, might as well keep it up. So I say I’m taken and he wants to know how long. So I make up a number. Here’s the cool exit…..”Do you want anything from the counter?” And out the theater he goes, never to come back again.

One of these days, I’ll figure this out. I’m on ber slacker mode today, not even sure I took a shower this morning. And no, that’s not a compliment fishing expedition, don’t send them my way. Guys are strange. Though, it would have been more amusing if he had shown up in costume.

I allowed myself the space to cry today. I have to, the unspoken pain inside is too much. I’ve got my ballad rock on the player, cranked up, remembering all the things that have passed before me.

One of the major experiences for me, that I don’t talk about much, is the one that is most painful for me. No matter how much I think about it, the pain doesn’t get any easier to overcome. It was the experience that let me know what I was, it made me run away and shut down. I can remember ignoring it for years, figuring if it I didn’t pay it any attention, it would go away. But it didn’t.

When I went away to college, I moved back home. Back up to Illinois, I had to face everything. It was also the point where my family finally reconnected, and suddenly we all knew each other again. Standing in a cemetary, in the middle of corn fields off a dirt road, surrounded by the farming community I grew up in. Staring face first at the gravestone that marked the last place the first person I ever loved, existed. Memories washing over me, the sight of him being hit by the car, the lights flashing, machines beeping loudly, people talking in hushed voices, wailing sirens breaking the stillness of that night. Waking up early on a Saturday, for something other than cartoons. The sterile smell of the hospital, people just staring because they didn’t know what to say. I knew. He was gone. My protector, my love, the brother I wish was mine was gone from me.

My world crashed that day. It took me 10 years to go back there. Every year I was there, I left a rose on February 23rd. I still don’t think I’ve fully comes to terms with that day. It’s also why I hold tight to what I have, enjoy the love I feel today, in hopes that I will still have it tomorrow, because one blink can take it away. Hard lesson to learn at 8, but nothing is permanent. Pushing away, because if I feel too much, it will hurt more when it’s gone. But pulling in tight, because the pain is all I can feel.

Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that is the inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth too deeply. Let him not laugh too gladly when the water runs through his fingers, nor stand too silent when the setting sun makes red the veld with fire. Let him not be too moved when the birds of his land are singing, nor give too much of his heart to a mountain or a valley. For fear will rob him of all if he gives too much.
Alan Patton, Cry, the Beloved Country

I guess this is what I get for drinking my evening sherry 5 hours ago. Hell, I think it was more the fact that I had to deal with the chat bullshit that I had to deal with. Fucking admins. At any rate, I’m feeling better. My tummy still isn’t over dinner, which might also be contributing to my wakefulness. I’m considering a trip to the mountains tomorrow, after my chiro appointment, and sleep up there. Mountain air is always good for clearing one’s head. I also believe some shielding work is going to be in order. As much as I hate shielding, I’m finding that it is more and more a requirement. I seem to be in a vulnerable energetic state, which is throwing my emotions out of whack. Which is something I seriously hate. I can barely deal with emotions as it is, when they’re stable, but this up-down thing has got to stop. I mean, I grasp that it’s been a while since I’ve had a low day, and I’m crashing right now. But damned, can we stop the loop-to-loops on the way down?
the rest of it

I’m confused. So much going on in my head right now, trying not to jump the chasm to where I want to be, getting ahead of things and getting confused in the process. I’m spinning the circles of a child on a sunny day. Just looking up with the smile of pure enjoyment of nothingness. My stomach in knots from fear. Wanting to run away back to the mountains, or the ocean and just exist in my elemental state. Experience the pure joy and love that exists outside this space in time. Where I no longer have to worry about the menial lives of my human self. That interaction I find more often in the spiritual realm, than I do here on this plane. Melding into one with all that’s around me and ceasing to exist as myself. I want to shed this skin, one last time.