I spent today talking with one of my fears. It’s a residual one from when I was sick. Of all things that I fear going without, I fear that my mind has given out on me. Since I was sick, I’ve always had a problem remembering things. Every so often, I stumble and I forget things that should be simple. Like turning off the stove or oven, what happened 15 minutes ago, the name of someone I just met. I used to be good at these things, but over the years, they’ve been going downhill and I find it harder and harder to figure out whether it’s progressive, or me just slacking on memory skills. I’d like to think it’s just the memory skills and being too busy to stop and breathe, but something inside has been gnawing at me for the last 5 years saying otherwise.
I hate the idea of having to be one of the pyscho post-it note fanatics, but there’s no way I can get around it. If I can’t remember the most simplist of things, then I need to find a way to keep up with it.
It’s damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. I knew it was going there. It’s never enough. I fuck up a couple of times, and it’s held against me. I make strides to step up, and suddenly because I did that the bar gets raised. I should go back to assuming I live alone and nothing will get done unless I do it. I’m much more at peace doing that, and feel a hell of a lot better because I know it’s going to get done and I’m not going to wait for someone else.
An interesting bit about communication….If you actually say something, you might be surprised that something gets done. It’s an amazing concept, you speak, and someone listens and speaks back to either confirm or negate what was said. I may be a witch, but I sure as hell am not a mind-reader. You don’t say it, don’t bitch if it doesn’t get done. If I can learn that one, so can others. Obviously, the concept of seeing a need an providing a service is an out-dated process. Or just something unique to me. Fuck it. This is why it’s always been better if I live alone.