Month: November 2005

News of the day:

The Mhorrighain is having some fun….dead chipmunk in my workroom this morning, before my eyes stopped being foggy (least it wasn’t in pieces). It’s a sign, of something, I have an idea, but yet again, I won’t be discussing it.

My ray of Sunshine at the hotel gave me ammo, finally. She failed to show up for our meeting this morning, and failed to inform me that she would be taking a week’s vacation. In fact, she said one of her employees had this week off.

Otherwise, I’m doing quite well. Things are slowly shifting back to normal for me, with the exception of a few things. Hopefully, that can be worked out tomorrow. I’ve been bored out of my head for the last couple of weeks. It’s like if I’m not training, I can’t think of anything else to do. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m trying to conserve cash, I’d keep my gym membership just so I can go work out the rest of the day. I need another job, having too much difficulty sitting still and doing work. Maybe I’ll splurge and go rock climbing next week. I do miss that, and my gear needs some exercise. I’m trying to fit in some time for simple house projects, but I decided on that stuff a bit too late. Gonna have to wait till tomorrow to take care of some of that stuff. Gah!

So, anyone local up to start running in Piedmont after I get back from Italy?

Speaking of, I’m a bit nervous about Italy. I know I’ll have fun, just hoping it doesn’t run face first into a brick wall.

This past weekend, an amazing person, during one of our conversations told me I wasn’t a dominant personality. But, that I flocked to that personality. This is partially true. At one point, regardless how shy I was, I forced my way. It was all about me and no one else, others didn’t matter to me. As many of you here have read previous, I allowed myself to be broken because I thought I was in love with someone. What you see now, is the rebuild of me, from who I became. The reason I flock to people with dominant personalities, is not because it’s something I need, but because it’s something I am seeking to rebuild. They are people I wish to learn from, to rediscover that person within me, and bring her out again. I am not a needy person who needs someone else to do everything for me, I’m not helpless and I abhor when I’m feeling that I’m either being forced into that role or pushed in that direction.

In talking with benmech the other night, he was joking about sending me some Ibsen plays. The first thing into my head was that I was feeling like I was a part of The Doll House. Being seen as one character, when the internal character is completely different due to the ignorance of the other characters. It’s an interesting contrast for me, will probably go back and read that play again. And things will change.

My anger consumes me, ravaging me like a starved animal upon the bare bones of another’s conquest. It burns at me, pushing me forward to some destination that has only one end. I welcome the release, and I beg for it, yet at the same time, fear what it will make me when I am finished. I want to scream till my voice gives up, push my body till it collapses with exhaustion. Destroying everything and everyone in my path, washing myself with their blood smiling the psychotic grin of a warrior who loves the fresh kill.

First off, I would like to take this time to recognize all the Vets in my life, past or present, friend or phantom. You have my respect, and hats off to you.

Now onto the juicy stuff…

So yeah, I’ve been trying to get my head on straight this past week. Haven’t talked much about it, because it’s not really anyone else’s business, but know that my head is on straight and the cards will fall as they may. I’m at peace with my chosen direction and I accept any consequences of that choice. If I seem cold towards you, it’s not because I love or like you less, it’s the fact that a new chapter is opening in my life and I must begin writing it. That is my focus now. I understand that new chapters are being written elsewhere, and as the case may be, follow your heart and do what you need to do on your own path. Sometimes paths merge, sometimes they just cross, and sometimes they co-exist for a brief spot in time.

I can’t fully talk about what is in my head right now, even to those closest to me. This is for me, and me alone. It is not meant to hurt any of you, you are not being pushed away. Peace on your journey.

For those of you who haven’t heard my laughter, the fight the other day ended, not because I won (I lost), but because boy toy got popped in the nose by a shot that was going to the side of his face till he turned to look at me. He threw a piss fit and stormed out of the gym with the parting words, “You’re not good enough for Maxim”. How good is that? *giggles*

At any rate, I missed training yesterday because I was too sore, so I went in tonight to work with the instructor who was cornering us, to find out that the response from all my sparring partners was, “Please! Don’t hit me in the nose!” Followed by, “If you do, I’ll hit you back”. Which, of course, cracked me up, and had me saying, “Good, I prefer guys who’ll hit back.”

Congrats, boy toy, if you read this….you have become a joke in my gym, and gave me street cred. How nice is that? And you wonder why I laugh at you.

Scorpio for this week:
FreeWill Astrology

“Dear Rob: Thanks for your ongoing attempts to burn away negative stereotypes about us Scorpios. Here’s more fuel for your fire: I’m not perfect, nor do I aspire to be so. Perfection is a form of death. I’m grateful for my demons because in the worst of times they’re my allies, and in the best of times they’re the measure of my accomplishments. I don’t seek truth, I seek reason. Truth is relative and found only by consensus, while reason is irreducible and adamantine. When in the presence of other people, I try to locate the soul essence I can’t see with my eyes. It’s good practice for my main hobby, which is to locate the soul essence in myself. If these habits make me obsessed, intense, and inscrutable, so be it. -Scorpio to the Nth Degree.” Dear Scorpio: I’m publishing your letter because it’s an ideal time for all Scorpios to meditate on your wild ideas.

Oh boy, glad to see someone else (if this really is a letter) is hitting the nail on the head this time. This is an inherent truth for me, especially the journey I’m about to embark upon. It also expresses my ability to love others, I find that spark in them to love, and I hold onto it.

There are things that happen, in life, that cause you to question everything that you are. There are things that make you wonder if you are capable of making a complete shift.

I am beginning a transition, I feel the winds of change moving about me. I know where I am headed at this point, I am nervous and absolutely thrilled.

Needless to say, this weekend was an eye-opener for me in so many ways. And my Bitch solidified exactly how amazing a person he is, and I am thrilled that he is in my life, and allows me to be a part of his.

Scorpio for this week:
FreeWill Astrology

Charles Darwin developed the theory of evolution 20 years before he finally published a book about it. Why did he wait? Here’s one theory: In contrast to his radical ideas, Darwin was a conservative Victorian squire who cared deeply about his reputation. According to Professor John Carey, he was afraid that “the blow to Christianity and to the dignity of man inherent in [his] theory would encourage atheistic agitators and socialist revolutionaries.” I believe you’re facing a dilemma comparable to Darwin’s. The changes you’re going through will definitely mess with the status quo when you start openly expressing them. So will you postpone your coming out party, hoping that time will somehow make the New You more palatable? I’m not sure that approach would do anyone much good.

Nah, I’ve always been one to be out-of-the-closet on pretty much everything. Screw waiting.

BTW, I’m gonna barely be able to walk tomorrow, this is awesome. My instructor rocks, and I had no problem understanding his accent.

So, tomorrow, I have my first Brazillian Jiu Jitsu class. It’s gonna be fun…

Oh yeah, I’m moving gyms and I start fighter training. The Morrigan is prepping me. I’m so psyched.