Month: November 2005

Not much has been going on. Been laying low the last couple of days, went out to industrialreich‘s Halo Party last night. nuit23 is awesome in the fact that he could provide me with the net connection to run TUF chat last night. One of these days, I will join in, provided I can use one of the non-vibrating controls – that was pretty freaky. Honestly, I miss my gaming console, I should have snagged one in the separation.

Discussions to make my living in this house tolerable are on-going. I’m going to make an effort to make it hospitable to me. I have a plan in my head on what all I need to do once I get back from Italy, planning on using my break for mind-clearing. Italy was always good for that, several of my past major decisions about my life have been made there, it’s great for mind-clearing. I should be able to come back all ready to hit the ground running.

So I’m back to being on the low end of things. Usually I enjoy talking to my mum, but I shouldn’t have done so before going to class. Needless to say, I got there and wasn’t in the mood to roll, so I came home. If I can’t leave it at the door, then I don’t need to walk through it. Also feeling a bit helpless again. I hate where I’m at, I really do. Not much I can motivate myself to do, other than sit on my ass on my laptop and whimper on the inside. I get up to go work on something, get 2 minutes into it and then just want to destroy it so I don’t have to bother with it. This shit sucks the life out of me, I gotta find a new place to be other than home. I can’t stay here all day anymore, I don’t care if it means projects don’t get done, they won’t really get done anyway. My life is the same boring ass shit every bloody day. There’s nothing new that I can inspire myself with, and pushing along becomes futile when you’re pushing against a brick wall. I need change, I feel stagnant.

Scorpio for this week:
FreeWill Astrology

In 1837, Frederick Froebel started the first school for four and five year olds in Germany. He called it “kindergarten,” or child’s garden, and made it into a paradisiacal sanctuary where teachers read kids poetry and stories, led them in singing songs, and oversaw them as they gardened and played outdoors. Government authorities later shut the place down, citing the “dangerous freedom” of the experiment. I expect you may soon run into comparable opposition as you practice your own personal brand of “dangerous freedom,” Scorpio. How should you respond? Do whatever it takes to keep your dream alive, even if it means you have to cool it for a while. Just as the concept of kindergarten eventually revived and thrived, so too must your innovation.

Hrm, I think this might go along with my Darwinian theory….

News of the day:

The Mhorrighain is having some fun….dead chipmunk in my workroom this morning, before my eyes stopped being foggy (least it wasn’t in pieces). It’s a sign, of something, I have an idea, but yet again, I won’t be discussing it.

My ray of Sunshine at the hotel gave me ammo, finally. She failed to show up for our meeting this morning, and failed to inform me that she would be taking a week’s vacation. In fact, she said one of her employees had this week off.

Otherwise, I’m doing quite well. Things are slowly shifting back to normal for me, with the exception of a few things. Hopefully, that can be worked out tomorrow. I’ve been bored out of my head for the last couple of weeks. It’s like if I’m not training, I can’t think of anything else to do. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m trying to conserve cash, I’d keep my gym membership just so I can go work out the rest of the day. I need another job, having too much difficulty sitting still and doing work. Maybe I’ll splurge and go rock climbing next week. I do miss that, and my gear needs some exercise. I’m trying to fit in some time for simple house projects, but I decided on that stuff a bit too late. Gonna have to wait till tomorrow to take care of some of that stuff. Gah!

So, anyone local up to start running in Piedmont after I get back from Italy?

Speaking of, I’m a bit nervous about Italy. I know I’ll have fun, just hoping it doesn’t run face first into a brick wall.

This past weekend, an amazing person, during one of our conversations told me I wasn’t a dominant personality. But, that I flocked to that personality. This is partially true. At one point, regardless how shy I was, I forced my way. It was all about me and no one else, others didn’t matter to me. As many of you here have read previous, I allowed myself to be broken because I thought I was in love with someone. What you see now, is the rebuild of me, from who I became. The reason I flock to people with dominant personalities, is not because it’s something I need, but because it’s something I am seeking to rebuild. They are people I wish to learn from, to rediscover that person within me, and bring her out again. I am not a needy person who needs someone else to do everything for me, I’m not helpless and I abhor when I’m feeling that I’m either being forced into that role or pushed in that direction.

In talking with benmech the other night, he was joking about sending me some Ibsen plays. The first thing into my head was that I was feeling like I was a part of The Doll House. Being seen as one character, when the internal character is completely different due to the ignorance of the other characters. It’s an interesting contrast for me, will probably go back and read that play again. And things will change.

My anger consumes me, ravaging me like a starved animal upon the bare bones of another’s conquest. It burns at me, pushing me forward to some destination that has only one end. I welcome the release, and I beg for it, yet at the same time, fear what it will make me when I am finished. I want to scream till my voice gives up, push my body till it collapses with exhaustion. Destroying everything and everyone in my path, washing myself with their blood smiling the psychotic grin of a warrior who loves the fresh kill.

First off, I would like to take this time to recognize all the Vets in my life, past or present, friend or phantom. You have my respect, and hats off to you.

Now onto the juicy stuff…

So yeah, I’ve been trying to get my head on straight this past week. Haven’t talked much about it, because it’s not really anyone else’s business, but know that my head is on straight and the cards will fall as they may. I’m at peace with my chosen direction and I accept any consequences of that choice. If I seem cold towards you, it’s not because I love or like you less, it’s the fact that a new chapter is opening in my life and I must begin writing it. That is my focus now. I understand that new chapters are being written elsewhere, and as the case may be, follow your heart and do what you need to do on your own path. Sometimes paths merge, sometimes they just cross, and sometimes they co-exist for a brief spot in time.

I can’t fully talk about what is in my head right now, even to those closest to me. This is for me, and me alone. It is not meant to hurt any of you, you are not being pushed away. Peace on your journey.