Month: August 2005

Boundaries are a funny thing, as one of my psyche instructors used to say, you often don’t know they exist until you cross them. I have plenty of boundaries, regardless how far out into the boondocks they are. Some of them I know about because they were put into place after live-n-learn situations. Others, I completely trip over. And I’ve completely tripped over one, which doesn’t necessarily involve me as much as it involves others. Now, with that said, my usual course of action is to slowly work with it so that I can be comfortable with others. I can’t really force them into my boundaries, because it’s not fair to them. However, I can make concessions within myself, unless it’s just something that needs to be walked away from.

I have a situation that I don’t want to walk away from, but I recognize that it might not be something that can be worked out. And yes, this does have to do with me ceasing to read certain drama-inducing blogs, mainly as I don’t separate the real me from the cyber me. What you see here, is who I am rolled up in the nutshell that you might not get to access when speaking to me directly.

There are worlds, that I will have limited interaction with, as they are cool for a bit, but quickly lose their shiney, new smell with me – and continuing to interact with those worlds after that loss causes a distaste in my mouth as well as a shut down of certain things, otherwise known as over-load. Now, I don’t like to force people out of my life, who I otherwise consider intelligent, and interesting people. However, some sides are things I really don’t care to know. The unfortunate side of this whole situation, is that it’s causing rifts between me and someone I love and it’s bad enough that I’ve had to step back, and question whether or not I can really take that step forward again. I put up a shell filter there, and it has created some intimacy issues on my end. It leaves me questioning the truth of things, whether or not things were clearly communicated, and if it’s a path I can really continue down with this road-block in the way (I’m not talking about my lifestyle). I’m hoping I’m able to remove it, and be able to deal with things as they come, but I have to maintain some grasp of reality. I understand the motivations behind all the actions, and can understand and sympathize, but there is a threshold that will be reached, where the reactor safeguards must shut down to prevent an overload.

Now, onto my lifestyle. I’m polyamorous, I’m not wired for monogamous relationships. I can last in one for maybe 2-3 years before I start looking for an addition. I don’t do that because I don’t love my partner as much as I used to, it’s just a wiring thing and it’s hard to explain for me. However, I’ve never seen it as permission to run off and fuck everything on two legs with the proper equipment. I’m picky about who I allow into that realm of me, and I rarely, if ever, discuss those things with anyone outside of my Inner Circle; this goes for those on-line, as well as off-line.

With all that said, I feel as though I’ve been rendered obsolete. If Windows OS’s had feelings, I’m sure I could sympathize with them right now.

Scorpio for this week:
FreeWill Astrology

John Madden was a successful pro football coach who understood the value of taking things both seriously and not very seriously at all. He was a hard-working master of strategy and motivation who drilled his team relentlessly so they’d develop the discipline necessary to excel. But he also understood how critical it was to inject playfulness into the mix, even during high-pressure moments. There was one stretch in the 1970s when he prepared his players for each game with a fierce pep talk, but then refused to let them leave the locker room until running back Mark van Eeghen could summon a belch. I recommend this dual approach to you, Scorpio. As you wade in to your upcoming dates with destiny, draw liberally on the leavening power of teasing and whimsy.

Hrm. This sounds like something that might work in my next staff meeting….Speaking of drama, I don’t recall ever seeing the cameras filming my personal soap opera “Confessions of a future serial killer”. But seriously, I need some pointless humour at this juncture. Hell, I’d kill (literally) for something as stupid as Jackass, as long as it made me laugh for hours on end. I swear, if ever I thought my ass was tight, you should meet the princesses and Sunshine. Wow, they give Marines a run for their money when it comes to how far they can shove the broomstick up their ass (for the Marines that actually read this journal, ask me about that joke, trust me…you’ll laugh). Anyway, I’m planning my own spa day. Hoping to get to it next week, *fingers crossed*.

The poet Muriel Rukeyser said the universe is composed of stories, not of atoms. The physicist Werner Heisenberg declared that the universe is made of music, not of matter. And we believe that if you habitually expose yourself to toxic stories and music, you could wind up living in the wrong universe, where it’s impossible to become the gorgeous genius you were born to be. That’s why we implore you to nourish yourself with delicious, nutritious tales and tunes that inspire you to exercise your willpower for your highest good.

Astrologer Caroline Casey offers an apt metaphor to illustrate how crucial it is for us to hear and read good stories. She notes that if we don’t have enough of the normal, healthy kind of iodine in our bodies, we absorb radioactive iodine, which has entered the food chain through nuclear test explosions conducted in the atmosphere. Similarly, unless we fill ourselves up with stories that invigorate us, we’re more susceptible to sopping up the poisonous, degenerative narratives.

I like the first paragraph better.

With all that said, My Zoomie is also feeling as if he’s been dragged through a pig stye of nails and sulfur. So, energies to him too. Honestly, I think he picked the wrong job, he should be out having fun destroying people screwing over that country. I know I would get depressed sitting around a bomb dump, and he’s not the type of person who finds happy things about that…..damned AF, freaking pussies. 😀

In order to reduce some of my drama and whatnot, my pardon to all my blog-friends as I will be taking a reading break from you all. No offense, but I kinda need to shut down for a while. I’ll still be posting here, but that’s it.

Ok, so I have this paranoia…namely, the fear of running off, or thinking that I’m running off people that I’m really interested in getting to know as a friend (not pursuing in the style of a physical relationship). I know that I have a fairly strong personality when I can manage to carry on a relaxed conversation and can be over-whelming for people who don’t expect my openness. I also know that I have a bad habit of rambling about the most off-topic shit when I’m in an uncomfortable situation, and as such, have developed the habit of just not saying anything, which can be off-putting as well. Not to mention coming off as pushy when wanting to hang out with a new person. So, with all that said….

What about my personality has attracted you into my circle of friends, or has caused you to question whether or not you really wanted to be friends with me? I’d rather have everyone cool with signing their names, because I can take criticism, especially when I ask for it. But, for those of you who aren’t, you’re welcome to sign anonymously and not sign your name at the end of your post.

Seriously though, I’d really like to know the opinions of you all. This is something that I’ve had an issue with for a while, and if possible, I’d like to get an idea of what’s appropriate and not appropriate in meeting people. But please, if you’re offering advice, I already know about the “be yourself” advice, and that’s usually the problem. 😀

Now, for a substantive post. I have princesses that work for me, they don’t like the fact that I wear the crown and make the decisions. Knew that one was coming, so it’s just exasperating more than it’s annoying. I have some confusion in my head about a few things, but hey, it’s the girl-side of me speaking, regarding things in the male psyche that I never understood – mainly because they never bothered to treat me like another guy, instead, they chose to remember that I’m an innie instead of an outie. Funny how they time that recollection. Anyway, I have a massage appt this evening, because of the stress and whatnot elsewhere, I can’t bring myself to hit the gym first (no point in wearing myself out when I’m already tired). I’m hoping to make it in tomorrow between my meeting and my evening shift, that should help a little bit on things. I really need to get my physical yoga practice back up and running, and I also wish I had the cash to spend Friday afternoons at the rock gym bouldering, I’m hoping that would help stave the arthritis that’s flaring in my fingers.

I got the dates for Autumnfest yesterday. As usual, they scheduled the same dates as Prog. This is the second year they’ve done this, but I’ve got a better excuse this year….I’m working crew staff and I’ve known that since January. Though, I don’t think I really need much of an excuse due to the rising costs of this particular festival. I find I’m becoming increasingly annoyed with our COG chapter, though, I think I’ll reserve final judgement when they disclose where all the money is going that prompted the festival increase. My guess is that some of it is to cover those who choose to not donate to the Bionic Priestess Project. Eh, don’t have the funds to go anyway, D*C is the next major expense, and I still don’t have any costumes put together, though I do have ideas. My thrill is that I finally get to meet erynn999 and hopefully get some down-time where she’d be willing to let me prod her brain on things healing. 😀 Shall be verra cool to finally meet someone who gave me some direction and some clarity to forge my own path.

I still gotta post the nifty picture that WT snagged for me. It’s massively cute, I love that guy, he knows how to pick up my mood (and show me nifty movies that have lots of blood and new ideas to kill people). Speaking of, I need to pick up American Psycho the book. Seemed to have been missing a good bit, in regards to the movie. Though, I will say one thing that I completely identify with….the lack of inner “person”. There’s this facade that gets put on for public, but the actual person doesn’t really exist, the place where it should exist is this massive vacuum of space, where only darkness exists.

Oh yeah, I have a post on that, might do it when I have time later this week. I was actually pondering my own inner vacuum, so I shall let you all into that secret little staircase, that’s lit only by a yellow faded light that gives little to no direction on how deep the staircase goes.