Day: August 4, 2005

Boundaries are a funny thing, as one of my psyche instructors used to say, you often don’t know they exist until you cross them. I have plenty of boundaries, regardless how far out into the boondocks they are. Some of them I know about because they were put into place after live-n-learn situations. Others, I completely trip over. And I’ve completely tripped over one, which doesn’t necessarily involve me as much as it involves others. Now, with that said, my usual course of action is to slowly work with it so that I can be comfortable with others. I can’t really force them into my boundaries, because it’s not fair to them. However, I can make concessions within myself, unless it’s just something that needs to be walked away from.

I have a situation that I don’t want to walk away from, but I recognize that it might not be something that can be worked out. And yes, this does have to do with me ceasing to read certain drama-inducing blogs, mainly as I don’t separate the real me from the cyber me. What you see here, is who I am rolled up in the nutshell that you might not get to access when speaking to me directly.

There are worlds, that I will have limited interaction with, as they are cool for a bit, but quickly lose their shiney, new smell with me – and continuing to interact with those worlds after that loss causes a distaste in my mouth as well as a shut down of certain things, otherwise known as over-load. Now, I don’t like to force people out of my life, who I otherwise consider intelligent, and interesting people. However, some sides are things I really don’t care to know. The unfortunate side of this whole situation, is that it’s causing rifts between me and someone I love and it’s bad enough that I’ve had to step back, and question whether or not I can really take that step forward again. I put up a shell filter there, and it has created some intimacy issues on my end. It leaves me questioning the truth of things, whether or not things were clearly communicated, and if it’s a path I can really continue down with this road-block in the way (I’m not talking about my lifestyle). I’m hoping I’m able to remove it, and be able to deal with things as they come, but I have to maintain some grasp of reality. I understand the motivations behind all the actions, and can understand and sympathize, but there is a threshold that will be reached, where the reactor safeguards must shut down to prevent an overload.

Now, onto my lifestyle. I’m polyamorous, I’m not wired for monogamous relationships. I can last in one for maybe 2-3 years before I start looking for an addition. I don’t do that because I don’t love my partner as much as I used to, it’s just a wiring thing and it’s hard to explain for me. However, I’ve never seen it as permission to run off and fuck everything on two legs with the proper equipment. I’m picky about who I allow into that realm of me, and I rarely, if ever, discuss those things with anyone outside of my Inner Circle; this goes for those on-line, as well as off-line.

With all that said, I feel as though I’ve been rendered obsolete. If Windows OS’s had feelings, I’m sure I could sympathize with them right now.