Boundaries are a funny thing, as one of my psyche instructors used to say, you often don’t know they exist until you cross them. I have plenty of boundaries, regardless how far out into the boondocks they are. Some of them I know about because they were put into place after live-n-learn situations. Others, I completely trip over. And I’ve completely tripped over one, which doesn’t necessarily involve me as much as it involves others. Now, with that said, my usual course of action is to slowly work with it so that I can be comfortable with others. I can’t really force them into my boundaries, because it’s not fair to them. However, I can make concessions within myself, unless it’s just something that needs to be walked away from.

I have a situation that I don’t want to walk away from, but I recognize that it might not be something that can be worked out. And yes, this does have to do with me ceasing to read certain drama-inducing blogs, mainly as I don’t separate the real me from the cyber me. What you see here, is who I am rolled up in the nutshell that you might not get to access when speaking to me directly.

There are worlds, that I will have limited interaction with, as they are cool for a bit, but quickly lose their shiney, new smell with me – and continuing to interact with those worlds after that loss causes a distaste in my mouth as well as a shut down of certain things, otherwise known as over-load. Now, I don’t like to force people out of my life, who I otherwise consider intelligent, and interesting people. However, some sides are things I really don’t care to know. The unfortunate side of this whole situation, is that it’s causing rifts between me and someone I love and it’s bad enough that I’ve had to step back, and question whether or not I can really take that step forward again. I put up a shell filter there, and it has created some intimacy issues on my end. It leaves me questioning the truth of things, whether or not things were clearly communicated, and if it’s a path I can really continue down with this road-block in the way (I’m not talking about my lifestyle). I’m hoping I’m able to remove it, and be able to deal with things as they come, but I have to maintain some grasp of reality. I understand the motivations behind all the actions, and can understand and sympathize, but there is a threshold that will be reached, where the reactor safeguards must shut down to prevent an overload.

Now, onto my lifestyle. I’m polyamorous, I’m not wired for monogamous relationships. I can last in one for maybe 2-3 years before I start looking for an addition. I don’t do that because I don’t love my partner as much as I used to, it’s just a wiring thing and it’s hard to explain for me. However, I’ve never seen it as permission to run off and fuck everything on two legs with the proper equipment. I’m picky about who I allow into that realm of me, and I rarely, if ever, discuss those things with anyone outside of my Inner Circle; this goes for those on-line, as well as off-line.

With all that said, I feel as though I’ve been rendered obsolete. If Windows OS’s had feelings, I’m sure I could sympathize with them right now.

22 comments

  1. Detours, Fences

    *reverts back to Concrete Blonde’s “Joey” for a moment….*

    *hugs*

    Honey, If we tried to talk to each other about this right now……

    Well, ok. All I am going to say is this: If you feel like you can’t deal with a situation for whatever reason and it’s not going to change, (or it’s going to change in such a way that just leaves you with more on your plate than you know what to do with all at once…) try to measure what’s most important to you and if you think it’s worth it to continue to make things at least workable.

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    1. Re: Detours, Fences

      Yeah, I’m waiting for feedback and get the discussion going, setting mutual expectations and all that jazz, as they need to be re-evaluated. But I’m going to have to break a few habits, because the blended area of these realms is not working for me, nor will they. It’s something that I’m going to have to separate myself from, and if the realms are integrated enough that they cease to be separable, then, I’m just going to have to do what I feel is necessary. I don’t think it’s fair to force that, but being able to accept a part that I can’t deal with is one thing, it’s another when it’s constantly thrown in my face – which is something that I cannot tolerate.

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      1. Re: Detours, Fences

        Yep, which causes me to shut down and not react at all to such stimuli, even when it’s directed at me for pure reasons.

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      2. Re: Detours, Fences

        Mmmmmm, chocolate…..maybe I’ll add some Bailey’s to my coffee after the gym. Prrrrrrrrrrrrr. It’s weeks like these last few that make me wish I could get drunk. 🙂

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      3. Re: Detours, Fences

        ?? WHy can’t you get drunk?

        Personal choice? Recovering? High tolerance? WOMAN! I am not saying hitting the bottle is the best choice, but I would like to have a happy buzz going right now too, so I am a bad person to talk you out of it LOL 😛

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      4. Re: Detours, Fences

        I’m allergic to grain alcohol. I can drink the stuff, but not a lot. I can use bailey’s as a creamer in my coffee, but I can only drink about 3 cups of coffee like that before I’m running for the toilet. I can only tolerate about 2 sips of beer and a half-pint of guinness (but I have to be eating while drinking the guinness).

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      5. Re: Detours, Fences

        I knew a guy who actually had an allergy or something to it.

        His body could not digest it, so the one and only time he had *A* beer (good thing he discovered this before going out drinking on his 21st birthday….) he ended up welting up because his body was pushing it through the cappilaries in his skin trying to literally oush it out of his blood. Wierd. I forget what sort of condition he called it, if he even told me the official name for it.

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      6. Re: Detours, Fences

        Never had that reaction, thankfully. And I know which reaction you’re talking about. It’s one of the bad things of having certain strains of AmerIndian DNA. Dammit, least I got the cool cheakbones. 😀

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  2. please don’t take this the wrong way, but i’m writing this in the context of not knowing what the hell is going on.

    things are rarely as complicated as we make them out to be. (i should know, i’m a specialist.)
    alix

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    1. I can agree to that, but that involves communication and the communication needs to be clear. Which I don’t think is the case, in this situation. Effectively, it needs to be laid out on the table, because I’m one of those people who will take more kindly to truth in the negative, than half-truths or out-right lies (not saying any lies are happening right now). I just think there are two sets of expectations, and mine haven’t been met, which resulted in the crossing of one of my boundaries. So once the expectations can be agreed upon, things should be ok….it’s just making sure that a set of expectations can be agreed upon that has me questioning things (along with the other things I listed).

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      1. good luck with that.
        having some issues of that sort myself, and it is currently the bane of my existence.
        alix

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      2. You’ve got my sympathies chickie. *hugs* It’s a pain getting to the point to talk, and then it’s a pain trying to actually form the words.

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  3. Oh, and that final comment . ..

    [Macnerd]If Winblows OS had feelings, it would have imploded like the House of Usher, or some other form of harikari. [/macnerd]

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