Month: April 2005

Well, for some reason, I keep getting dragged into discussions about female warriors. They pop-up everywhere I go and I manage to resist some of them, but others I don’t. My grove sister asked me Saturday why I didn’t join up, other sister said because I’m needed here, which is true – there is something greater that I am needed for – and I explained my reasons – 1. being that I can’t handle someone trying to break me down again, even though my mind is now strong enough to over-power that, 2. the politics of modern-day paid-by-the-gov’t warriors and organization, 3. I like to choose my own battles.

At any rate, my brother commented about some guys just not understanding the beauty of the female warrior. And I have to agree. Honestly, I am definitely attracted to women who have the power and cunning of a warrior, and aren’t afraid to use force when it’s needed. I’m not into the idea of the helpless woman who needs the knight in shining armour to constantly save her from a situation she gets into. I understand that there are guys who are into that, and that’s all fine and dandy as there are plenty of women to provide that, just not me. My main issue is the fact that because of that fact, there are plenty of people who try to enforce that view and hold back the women who aren’t like that.

Yes, things are changing, and it’s nice to see that, but for those of us who are already there, it’s a bloody pain in the ass because we want to be out doing what we love and be who we are, but there are no forums for that – outside discussion. I’m slowly working on something local and at a smaller level. I think that’s a good place to start, no reason that there needs to be this massive public display of female warrior prowess, least for me. It’s a means of satiating my needs, and those of other women like me, who aren’t in it for the public display, but because it’s what we are.

My sister also commented on how there’s a grappeling between motherhood and being a warrior. Yes, there is, and for some women, they’re capable of doing both (with obvious time out for physical things). For others, the answer is obvious, motherhood is not an option, and others are quite content in being the nurturing mother and not the warrior.

Anyway, I’m slowly putting together more thoughts on this subject and will probably write more extensively after I do some research and put it into a more historical context for my site. Any info that others might have is welcome, as I might not have it, which I’d love to have anyway.

Scorpio for this week:

While mountain biking, I spied a white horse engaged in odd behavior in a meadow. Over and over again, it took two steps forward and two steps back. Was it neurotic or distraught? I decided to sit and watch. Five minutes went by. Ten. Still it continued its routine. Finally I got inspired to pray for it. “Dear Goddess,” I said, “please at least let that poor horse go *three* steps forward and two steps back.” Moments later, the creature started doing exactly what I’d prayed for. Slowly, it made progress across the field. Now I’m saying a similar prayer for you: “Dear Goddess, please help Scorpios escape their treadmill-like pace, and go at least three steps forward for every two backward.”

FreeWill Astrology

Hrm, relevent? Maybe. Of course, this could be one of my universal brick wall enforced pauses. Dear god I hope not.

Some days Donovan and I just get along….this is one of them…

Seriously, if you want to nail a guy for being a Hitlerjungen, look at the situation at the time for all of Germany. Yeah, wasn’t happy times for a good bit of the population, most of the general “I could give a shit” populace were also in survival mode, whether it be going along and being a good little Deutschkind and living in denial, or just living in a surreality hoping it’ll be over soon.

And BTW, wasn’t a great time to be German in the US, or Japanese for that matter. So we don’t have much of a one-up in this regards.

A friend of mine, last night, in looking at my pictures of me as a kid, commented that it was odd seeing me with a smile, and asked me where it went.

Tomorrow, I will answer that question.

So, I’m sitting in a stall at the gym, and it suddenly dawns on me that I can no longer tell people to kiss my lily-white irish ass. Why? Because the AmerIndian is kicking in and I’m reddish-tan. And because I tan in my backyard, I only have one tan line, and only 5 people are privy enough to get to see it. So, 😛 No asking.

In other news, the gym didn’t help me feel any more productive, or get me into any mood to be productive. Instead, I’ll be bruised tomorrow from the hot tub. I’m making tea, maybe that will help me feel better, but I very much do not wish to go to work tonight.

So, I’m sitting in a stall at the gym, and it suddenly dawns on me that I can no longer tell people to kiss my lily-white irish ass. Why? Because the AmerIndian is kicking in and I’m reddish-tan. And because I tan in my backyard, I only have one tan line, and only 5 people are privy enough to get to see it. So, 😛 No asking.

In other news, the gym didn’t help me feel any more productive, or get me into any mood to be productive. Instead, I’ll be bruised tomorrow from the hot tub. I’m making tea, maybe that will help me feel better, but I very much do not wish to go to work tonight.

I’m still not straight on what is all going through my head right now. On some level, it’s nothing out of the ordinary, but on others it’s so hard to pin-point what all’s going on that it makes me really uncomfortable. It’s not a strange in a “cool way” as some of you who responded intimated, it’s a strange in a “creepy way”, which even for me is not good. Nor is it a normal thought that makes me stop and go “that’s not natural for me”. I’ve got a pretty spot-on keen sense, and when something is wonky, I know it, and I’m usually right. I’ve been talking with a few friends, magical and otherwise, but I still haven’t managed to put a finger on things. I’ve gone through the potentials of what, in my psyche, could be triggering this, and it doesn’t seem to be anything of my own making. Honestly, it’s more along the lines of potential of something to come, that is outside of me, maybe? I guess I could do some journeying to see if I can scratch the surface, to get a blink, least so I know where I’m being hit from vs being blind-sided and constantly turning in a paranoid circle wondering where the next hit will come from.

I’ve been doing a good bit of out-of-body work, lately, and I know it’s not the fuzzy feeling that I’m over-stepping my responsibilities, because I get slapped good for crap like that, not stroked with rabbit-fur gloves.

Just oddness, poisongirl, does any of this sound familiar? Just making sure we’re not knocking the same thing.