tidbits

My horrorscope for the day…

You're feeling an intense sense of healing emanating from somewhere deep — so deep that you may not even realize where it's coming from. Try not to worry about it too much, as it's strictly positive.

I ended up with a day off, so far. So with all stress I've been under with the paranoid watching of my car out the window, and randomly hitting the lock/unlock buttons on my remote – just in case someone's under it – I managed to sleep in. I think the CatBox is pretty safe during the day, since there are no cars around to hide someone slinking around it. But all this stuff does lead me to question – what exactly is the cause of all of this? Is this a purge going on so I can move forward? Is this a sign that I'm moving in the wrong direction on something? And if so, what something is going in the wrong direction? Everything that has happened in the last 3 months has been personal and hitting at my home and my heart – but most of the physical damage has been to my bank account. And that last part, is where the stress comes from. The pattern seems to be that we get within range of paying off all credit cards, then something major hits and jacks us back up to where we don't want to be. I'm not sure if it's a taunt to clear out the savings account, or if it's just a reminder of where things just naturally are for now. Given all the crap that happened in November, I was hopeful that this was going to be a recovery year. Where growth would happen and I'd be able to start doing all the nice things for my friends that I used to do, and be able to go visit them for weekend get-aways.

But instead, I'm left waiting on my percentage of insurance reimbursement, and then having to divvy that up so I can pay out the next thing that I will have to wait for reimbursement on. I've been telling myself to trust in the universe, it hasn't let me down yet. But it's playing a semi-nasty game of monkey in the middle with me right now. I want to trust, but I also want to go back to sleep and not wake up till all of this is over.

My positives: My intermediate class is almost full on Wednesdays. I'm finding my way with them, even the difficult one. I'm starting to get interest in private yoga classes. I have an Alpine snuggling with me and coffee. A dreary day, but it's absolutely amazing to look out the window at it.

The Merry-go-round…

Talked to the detective today. She seems pretty cool, even though she admits she can't make the life/lives of the person(s) who stole the stuff off my car miserable. I'm staying fairly positive, because when it started the only thing I could do was laugh. Not the funny ha-ha kind, but the "OMG, this is so absurd, really?" The insurance nightmare that I thought would ensue has been abated, they're paying the entire bill minus my deductible.

Though, the awesome…went to a dinner party at my friend's house. It was nice and small and wonderful. Not too taxing on my social withdrawal needs, but good for my being social factor. I have 4 gymnstics classes that I'm teaching. Start Wednesday, hoping this positivity will over-flow into my business for the year. Need to quit slacking on the yoga. But all this other stuff has been pulling me away from that focus. I have been meditating, so that's good. It's steps in the right direction. But I readily admit, I was a total slacker today. Didn't need to go to work, so I hung out at home. Didn't want to run around too much, as I have been waiting on the mechanic to tell me the CatBox is ready to go home. Still haven't seen the neighbor's Element, but my guess is that she's waiting on the insurance and not doing what I did and forcing the insurance to work faster than they want to work.

But I have a kitten on my lap, so it's ok. This too shall pass.

I missed it…

But our internet has been out from 2am Sunday to this afternoon, and like hell if I'm going to type a blog post on my phone. Um, no.

At any rate, Pastry's provisional GC is up next month, did we send this shit out last month? No. So I'm getting everything together to send it out tomorrow. Base stuff, and a letter why it's base stuff. My bitch is that some of the stuff they expect is that we want to document EVERYTHING. Makes me want to send in a sex tape instead of anything else. So fucking annoying, I hate the gov't, especially considering I have to go through this, and drop another $590 "filing fee" and biometric appt (will be the 3rd one), but there's a bunch of "undocumented" people running to a DMV in California to get their DL. Seriously, how the fuck does that make sense? I have a ton of other opinions on the subject, but those will have to hold off and probably put under a lock. Immigration here pisses me off, but at least it continues in the "good faith" of the US government – punish those who play by the book and reward those who don't. And please, if you want to comment on this, don't regal me with the dangers of South America, because E. Europe and Asia ain't very pretty either – and you can bet that they aren't included in that EO. At any rate, I'm glad the interview isn't this week, I'd probably not be the greatest candidate – would definitely be overly sarcastic and rip the poor schmuck a new one.

But, we got a new dishwasher working. It's pretty. And my sink is much cleaner now. I also got my email program working again. Nightmare to wait on the answer, but now I can say Yosemite isn't that bad.

Going back to work wasn't too bad. Full schedule, so that's a positive sign for the new year. Also, the gym is picking up, so they need people to take over some beginner and advanced classes. Works for me.

Still tired. Want to sit with coffee in bed with the cats, but I'll take some work. Work is good, makes me feel useful. Need to start teaching yoga classes now. I'm at the point where I'm ready to start my home practice. I'm one of those folks who has to go backwards. I had to put in the actual practice before the physical practice. And that's ok, because that's where I'm pulled anyway.

Almost missed it…

So the mundane, it hurts!!! At any rate, we finally have the dishwasher working. It only took 3 trips to Home Depot to get the right stuff. Now, there are so many pipes and tubes under it that it will never be able to fall down. And the funny part is that we got one of those super quiet ones, Pastry was worried that it wasn't working because he couldn't hear it. None of the water pipes was leaking when we turned the water on, but I guess we'll see if they're leaking when it's on. The positive, I can at least pop the base plate off to look. 😀

In other news, I'm still reeling from the loss of Lexus. Right now, Alpine is head-butting my arm to pet him, so it helps. Elan has taken up with sitting with me for my morning coffee. Pneus looks just like Lexus did, before she became the frumpy old woman, weighs as much too. She's bigger than Alpine is and I don't think she's done growing. Alpine has recovered from his reassignment surgery pretty well. His surgeon was quite happy, but we still haven't gotten the $70 worth of stones that were removed. The basic is that his bladder has always had issues, and he's pretty much had stones his whole life – they just never caught them until the last couple of years. The surgeon says his bladder is nothing but scar tissue (biopsy), but the phsyical palpations say otherwise. So he hasn't been fully emptying his bladder for quite some time. At any rate, he's back to normal and not peeing outside the box except when whatever cat that pees on my front door pees on my front door (so he's not allowed there).

I think I’m mad…

But I may be irritated or just plain pissed off. I'm still trying to decide. The one thing I have decided is that I'm tired of watching everyone else's passive aggressiveness. I'm getting better about scrolling through FB and just not responding, to the point where I may just not scroll at all and read through my forums. I'm normally cool with sitting around and watching people evolve and discover themselves and grow and tossing my $.02 in when needed or wanted. I'm also cool with people I toss that in tossing it into the road and never looking at it again. Unfortunately, I guess there's a lot of stagnant water sitting around because the definition of insanity is slowly becoming the definition of life – at least that's how it's looking from my end. It saddens me.

So I need to work on that – namely, not being depressed about it and being hopeful that one day, that brick wall will jump up and support a mirror to crash into. Yeah, we're all on a journey, and I get that some of us just want to cruise through with no pause for self-reflection. But I'm not a huge fan of lather, rinse, repeat. If you know what I mean…

Starting today…

I want to write more, and they always say to just write. So…plan is to write something here every day, even if it's overwhelmingly mundane. Some of you may not see it, because sometimes I like to limit it to friends, but I promise the public entires aren't always going to be posts worthy of 140 characters or less.

Our goal this year is to spend more time traveling – outdoor type stuff, preferably. My personal goal is to get back to the spiritual and happy me. I need to spend less time staring at FaceBook and more time reading books and other blogs that contribute to that goal. I also want to start finishing my projects around the house and get the ones that I haven't started started.

I don't have any deep insight today, yet. Still working on that whole first cup thing.

The gifts of being human…

In an attempt to start accessing those wonderful artistic aspects of my being, I've started reading through my daily meditation books. The one that struck the chord today was from Caitlin Matthews, the question was, What, for you, are the gifts of being human?

I think one of the main ones, that I think is more specific to humans, is the ability to create something beautiful for the sake of creating beauty. Most animals, when you watch them create something, are doing it for the sake of utility. I don't discount the idea that they may have a concept of beauty (just watch a bird making her nest) but I have yet to come into the presence of another animal creating something in that manner.

When I look to shared gifts…compassion and understanding are the ones that come up next. To ostracize someone, we withhold both of those in order to make that individual feel worthless and unwelcome. We also tend to do that for the wrong reasons, sometimes solely because we can. But we can make the choice to let those barriers down and let people be who they are, without strings attached. Making that choice requires a willingness to be injured in some manner. Sometimes it pays off in a reward, and other times the payoff is a new learning experience to benefit us the next time we step out on that ledge.

One that we neglect is our instinct. Other animals live off of it, so they are completely in tune with how that functions. Our instincts tend to be dulled by our opulence, falsified safety created by imagined wealth and material objects. Sweet talkers who seduce us with things we want to hear or games we refuse to take full notice of. We play into those because of our own desire for some kind of acceptance, because we don't accept ourselves, where we stand. We have this idea in our head as to who we are, but fail to look in the mirror to see if that's who we can be, truly, or if it's just a magnified fantasy that can never materialize. Society has told us that going after the unimaginable is a flight of fancy. But if we look at where we want to go, and look and see what is available for that first step, we can find a way to make a path – if that is what we really do want. Complacency is what keeps us from moving forward. Stagnation is what propels us to make those changes.

A concept of failure. When things don't work out, we either have the option to leave them there, or figure another route. When everything is given to us, what do we miss out on by not looking down those other paths, or making a new one?

I am lost…

It's dark.
Are my eyes open?
:click::spark:
What was that?
:click::spark:
….
:click::spark: :click::click: :click::spark:
:clicksparkclicksparkclicksparkclickspark:

Upleftdownbackfrontrightfowardssidetosidedownfront
OhMyGodOhMyGod!!!
Sensory.Over.load.
Where is that coming from? Why can't I see anything?!?!?!?!?!?!
:click::spark:
Please…
:click::spark::flame:

Thank you…
:silence:
stsssssssssssssssssssss

You can’t see me…

Not because I'm invisible, even though I might be, but because you choose to not see me.

That's pretty much a summary of the waters beneath the surface for the past 3 weeks. I'm usually content to be in the background, doing the things I do because it's who I am, or how I choose to express myself. But the one time, the one time, that I made the choice to step up and say "HEY EVERYONE, REALLY LOOK AT ME!!!" I received the biggest smack down I could ever imagine possible. Worse than any of the shit I put up with going through middle and high school (and believe me, not all of it happened at school, so let's just say girls can be bitches and leave it there). So yeah, not planning on doing that ever again. But at least I know who my family consists of, and I'm grateful to them, even if they were part of the reason I broke before I was supposed to. But I shattered and I'm trying to pick up the pieces, little by little. The universe hasn't been totally helpful, because every time I try to take down time to hit up the mountains, or the river, or something; it manages to pop up and say, "Oh, you want time off? You sure about that?" and when I prove that I am, I come back to a clusterfuck bigger than I left to say, "See, you really shouldn't have taken that downtime. Normally, by this point in the year, I've had a month and a half of vacation. It's what keeps me sane, because I really do need 2-3 weeks to decompress from my job. So far, I've had a week and a half – and that wasn't a real, don't deal with anything work-related, vacation. I really need to just hole up in a cabin with no cell signal or wifi. Just me, coffee, a book, nature, and maybe Pastry (if he can get the time off).

I'm finding I need to re-establish my boundaries. I put myself out there for people, for whatever reason, and find that my margin of returns are exceedingly slim. Those who will continue to be blessed by my thoughtfulness are the ones that have shown themselves to return it, in some way – whether it's "paying it forward" or "kicking it back". I love them, and they get it. But I'm really tired of the dead ends. I'm really tired of looking out the window and seeing what is happening outside. The level of stupidity is astounding to the point I want to slam heads against a mirror and say, "What the fuck are you doing? Don't you see what you are doing?" But it would be useless. Very few are interested in self-reflection, and those who don't even consider it till they hit the proverbial wall are so blinded that they don't even know they've hit anything. It's disheartening to me. Depressing.

I have no clue where I'm going with this. I had some totally awesome stuff in my head earlier. Fluid and descriptive. All the stuff my writing professors loved. All the stuff my muse would pour out on to the paper before she was blindsided and muzzled because she "just wasn't good enough". Stupid people. Stupid me.

My office has a purple rug with yellow and lavender flowers on it. That makes me happy. I need more purple and lavender flowers. I need more solitude. Whatever fire is burning inside needs to come out. I can't handle it anymore, I'm tired of containing it within. It's being fed by something I don't know, and something I'm not familiar with. I don't know how to calm it down. And I don't want it to destroy me.

And again….

Tummy is wound up tighter than a nun's legs today, was fine up till I got in the car to come to work. Not sure what the trigger is with the office, because it's not in any danger and there isn't really anything about the office that is daunting or challenging. Maybe it's just tax season. Granted, the tattoo office decided that my building is the perfect place to park their sign van, which I hope will move in the next hour or two. If not, I'm going to request they not do this again. My more conservative clients (and new ones) do not need to have that blocking my parking spaces. We have enough issues to deal with, without bringing that one into the mess.

Anyway…I am in a meditative/contemplative spot. Lots of thoughts floating through my head and hopes, least hopes that in a month or so some of the issues I'm dealing with personally will evaporate. It'll be better to have the Pastry here, even if he's jobless for 3 months. Means the house will be cleaner and the bills will start being paid more on time, hopefully. Also means the CC bills will drop significantly!!!

Oh well, there's more in my head but my client will arrive shortly, so we'll see how I'm feeling later today.