relationships

Today is…

Thorn’s birthday. Not sure how I feel, because there is a mixture of happy and sad today. Been thinking about him all day, no matter what, because my posts to him won’t be returned with a thanks of any sort. But…I did find 2 mantids last night on my blackberry bush. One of them had just molted and the other one was preparing to. This morning they were overly active, which meant they needed to move to a bigger bush (the roses) so the Pneus didn’t get them, and they needed to go outside. So that’s my positive for the day. Also, went and hung out with L, to check in on her post-op. She’s doing ok, feeling like shit, but I was there for the PT and a few other things. I’m proud of her, even though she’s having a time of it, because she’s progressing.

I think that’s another thing I’ll take away from Thorn…his love of his friends, and the fact that sometimes I can just be a mindless imp. But I think that’s because I just fail at letting everyone know when I’m thinking of them (which is pretty much every day). The checklist running through my head isn’t what I have to do, it’s everyone who has been in my life. Whether it’s wondering what they’re up to, or just smiling at whatever memory has arrived. There are very few people who are banned from my memories, even though their name will pass unattached through my head.

So…please know, even if we don’t talk, I am thinking about you. Everyone, even the random folks I’ve known since kindergarten. And I still know your name, it just might take me a few minutes to get out of my mouth.

With that said, tonight, just lift a glass and toast all your friends who have made a difference in your life, whether it was a compliment or a slap upside the head that righted you. They made a difference.

It has been interesting…

And a hard weekend. The trip out was an effort, as apparently the first flight to Atlanta, from Detroit was delayed by 30 minutes, which meant I missed my connection from LA to Sacramento. So, instead of being in Redding by 4pm, I arrived at around 9pm. Gotta love airport screw-ups that result in an additional 5 hours of travel time.

Anyway, that's not the point. It's been a hard weekend, but a good one. The weather has been chilly and rainy, but at least it was sunny up in Burney. It was nice to re-see some more friends, meet new ones. It was also nice to hear that my parental fears were totally unfounded. They totally loved me, so I now have 3 sets of parents and a totally awesome brother and SIL, that I was finally able to meet. I honestly wished that it had not been in this manner, but I love them anyway.

I am eternally grateful for everything right now.

Not sure what the plans are for today, but I guess I should wake  up before she sleeps the day away.

So, I slept in this morning…

Then preceded to attempt at finding a balance in the latest cheap coffee I bought, will not buy cheap coffee again, least not Arabica cheap coffee. I've discovered that I much prefer the gentle wood scents of Sumatra, Arabica smells like Starbucks.

While doing that, I managed to not really check facebook, so much as I responded to a message about the upcoming Equinox ritual tomorrow night. I'm filling the priestess role and my brain is still in yogaland – but at least said brain is functioning. Instead, I grabbed my book and headed out on the patio, after prepping the chairs with their mats and cleaning off the patio from my adventures in sawing window props from my old closet shelves (BTW, I still have a bathroom mirror to whoever wishes to give it a good home, since Pastry won't let me crack it an either make art out of it or send it to the landfill). Lost track of time and spent a good 3 hours out there reading. It's the first time, since I'd bought this place, that I've spent that much time out there. No music, no podcasts, just birds and cats chasing carpenter bees. And has anyone else realized, how stupid carpenter bees can be? They fly around like they have a broken horizon and bounce into things. Knowing how a bee's eye is set up, I can understand that whole "seeing triple" issue, but really, I'd think they could see in 3D.

Yoga stuffs, cut for your sanity…

I think I’m numb…

Maybe I'm just masking a lot of stuff at this point, doing my best to distract myself, I guess. I don't think I've actually sat down in a quiet space in a day or two. Haven't had time, been either busy, or….distracted. I'm still very sad, going through everything just to find snippets. Thinking of all fun and stupid stuff, like him dropping me on my ass as he piggy-backed me to my mailbox. He was horrified and I was laughing my ass off – literally. The time I was scared to death that I had made a bad impression when he finally introduced me to his parents, mainly because they made a huge turkey, and I couldn't eat enough of it – along with a few other issues that every insecure girl would worry about. The one that cracks me up the most, he wasn't even present for….when I finally landed a job at CNN, I set my browser to pull up his AOL profile, so I could have a picture of him with me at all time. Unfortunately, I forgot about that when I took my laptop into a presentation. In front of all the vendors, I pulled up my presentation and there was Thorn, in his black and white frowning greatness staring out from the abyss at them. On the big screen. Let's just say, that was learning moment. At which point I got a printed picture and hung it on my cork board next to my computer screen.

I should have tried to get out there more often. There was no reason for me not to head north at all, when I was out for competitions. We always talked about it.

At least we always have Ozzy, Pantera, and a black trench coat….Oh yeah, and the freaky guy with the forked tongue, literally. I think both of us got the shivers from that one.

I think he also set my fetish for Vikings, he very much was one, even though he'd never been over there. I hope he's sailing the fjords now, they're so beautiful and amazing. He would have felt completely at home there.

Ch-ch-changes…

So, I'm contemplating changes. The one that is in the process of happening is less on-line time. It will pretty much disappear when Pastry arrives (which, we do have a more solid date, just in time for our somewhat anniversary), as I'm on the computer just for our shared solitude moments. It also means I'll be more social, least on Saturdays and Sundays. Having gas money to go to potluck will be AWESOME!!! I'm also working on the inner workings. The sadness is going away, I'm not crying as much, but the series final of SG-1 has stuck with me since I watched it the other day. Not sure why, but it is because of the middle part. So well done to the directors on that one.

Simplification. I'm still working on it, but I never imagined how much of a mess it creates, just to get rid of stuff. Both in the apartment and in life. I'm trying to not take some things as personal as I have taken them, but finding that last thread to cut is always difficult when you don't have a magnifying glass.

Mindfulness. Been increasing this aspect, and I'm not sure if it's creating an irritation or not, because I'm finding that other people who are not as mindful are creating issues that grate on the outset and settle later. Case in point, this morning. Someone in my office dragged one of the wooden chairs across the floor with that nice loud "screeeeeeeeeeee" sound. Made me cringe because it didn't phase her at all. But hey, she thanked me for letting her use my electricity, which was cool.

Happiness. I really am happy, for the most part. I recognize things that I need to improve on, and I am working on them. My social life needs more variety, but I am getting out and being social with other people in one-on-one situations. And I'm being useful. Helped a friend put together her bathroom furniture over the weekend, and it was awesome. Have a class to take tomorrow, with friends, after working on a friend, so lots of friends there. 🙂 Upcoming is my yoga class' monthly gathering and book club, which I get to help with, so thrilled with that. I love me some book clubs, especially yoga centric book clubs. Just need to go grab my copy of the book so I can get started. I'm also helping out at grove, as I've been asked to co-facilitate the upcoming ritual. I was pretty nervous after saying yes, but at the same time, I'm very comfortable with the idea. Which, I should be, as my grove position requires me to be the "back-up", so to speak. So time to step up. I'm hoping this will help me in being more "on time" with my responsibilities and stuff I say I will do. I'm pretty bad about coming up with the "back out" reasons, and I need to stop that.

Funny story about that…

Released….

I had a release today on the way to work. I felt it coming a mile away, finally. I still have some more and had mini-ones this afternoon. That said…

I really hate you right now. I really, really do. You spent the whole time we were together trying to “teach” me to hold things in. You strangled me in a worse way than physically putting your hands around my throat. I couldn’t write anything here because I was too worried about what you would think, what you would assume and having to explain myself. You tried to make me into some weak woman, who had to depend on you – because you NEEDED to be needed. Then, the one time I really needed you. The one chance you really had to protect me. You ran away. You shut me out and left me on my own to take care of myself. You lied to me. You told me a flat face lied and you knew it was a lie. I trusted you with the deepest part of me and you ran away. There is nothing that can make up for that. And I really wish there was, because now I have to deal with the fallout within myself. The trust issues I have, with myself. I question my feelings, I fight with myself just to even feel something.

I was rebuilding myself from the previous physical restrictions. You knew this, you knew my history!

Because of that. You are an asshole. You are just like those other guys. But you know what? They’re better. They’re better because they’re up front about who and what they are. They don’t hide behind a mask or a costume. I told you once that hell is paved with good intentions, and I hope you wear your wool sweaters, because I do not want, or need, anything from you. Ever again.

I hate that I had to learn this lesson, twice. But at least I’m in a better place. I’m glad you kicked me out. I have the best life I could think of now. No lies, no hands on my throat, and no one using me as a project. Just the people who love me, and love everything about me. Including my faults.