growth

Woohoo!!

The internet at the office is up and running, figured out the networking panel so all I need now are more cables, and an extension cord. Makes me happy.

Today is gonna be pretty good. Just need to run a couple of errands this afternoon then off to yoga and a mentor meeting. I’d like to get my habits down so I can head to my Kundalini yogini’s new spot. Life is just so much better when I see her once a week. I’m ready to start getting the office a bit more organized. Looked at pictures of other therapist offices, so I think I’m going to go back to that. I feel like my work room is too “corporate”. So, pretty curtains, since they’re the easiest. 😀

My mentor group is next up for presentations on the throat chakra. We have several ideas on what all we want to do for it, but we’re going to sit down and be more concrete tonight. I’m excited!!!!

Moving in the right direction…

Today was awesome. I had a new client come in from one of my ad deals, she wanted a Thai session. I love that modality and I’m really sad that not a lot of people want it. But we talked most of the time and I was so in tune with what was going on, I was able to just move her into each position and was able to note when she was sinking into that place, where releases were going to happen. The best part, is she walked out balanced and you could see it in her physical stance. I LOVE IT! Also finished stitching up the turbo pup’s bed, that he destroyed yesterday. Not completely like new, but the stuffing won’t fall out of it anytime soon, unless he takes his claws to it again.

I’m also learning how the office is networked. Had the internet installed this week so I just need to go invest in some network cables to get the outlets to work – I hope. I love that this place came pre-networked. Now to just install all the wall heating units and the office is completely on its way!!!

Released….

I had a release today on the way to work. I felt it coming a mile away, finally. I still have some more and had mini-ones this afternoon. That said…

I really hate you right now. I really, really do. You spent the whole time we were together trying to “teach” me to hold things in. You strangled me in a worse way than physically putting your hands around my throat. I couldn’t write anything here because I was too worried about what you would think, what you would assume and having to explain myself. You tried to make me into some weak woman, who had to depend on you – because you NEEDED to be needed. Then, the one time I really needed you. The one chance you really had to protect me. You ran away. You shut me out and left me on my own to take care of myself. You lied to me. You told me a flat face lied and you knew it was a lie. I trusted you with the deepest part of me and you ran away. There is nothing that can make up for that. And I really wish there was, because now I have to deal with the fallout within myself. The trust issues I have, with myself. I question my feelings, I fight with myself just to even feel something.

I was rebuilding myself from the previous physical restrictions. You knew this, you knew my history!

Because of that. You are an asshole. You are just like those other guys. But you know what? They’re better. They’re better because they’re up front about who and what they are. They don’t hide behind a mask or a costume. I told you once that hell is paved with good intentions, and I hope you wear your wool sweaters, because I do not want, or need, anything from you. Ever again.

I hate that I had to learn this lesson, twice. But at least I’m in a better place. I’m glad you kicked me out. I have the best life I could think of now. No lies, no hands on my throat, and no one using me as a project. Just the people who love me, and love everything about me. Including my faults.

Wandering down the rabbit hole….again….

This is mainly just to remind me to write about this. But I had an amazing experience with Rounding this weekend and have lots of introspection to write about. Unfortunately, it’s not all in verbalized forms yet.

The parts that are:
My daddy issues are not with my actual father. We have been repairing our relationship for quite some time, and given the point when my injuries occurred and flare-ups happen – it never happens with my father, just with males who have taken, or attempted to take, an over-whelming patriarchal position in my life.

I have not taken adequate time to mourn for those I’ve lost in my life. Doug, David F., Don, my Uncle – I’ve internalized much of my sadness because I never felt that I was in a safe place to cry over their passing. I honestly think that is the source of my lone tears that appear for no reason.

I am in the presence of some amazing people. Some I am just opening up to, and others who naturally knew me, I am lucky as hell right now and hope to keep it up.

Mulahadhara work

So I was having an argument in my head with one of my clients, for some reason, this is my means of working out issues. Little did I know what was going to come up.

We were talking about a recent issue, namely my failures, that resulted in her being left by the wayside. As the argument progressed, I realized what one of my abso-huge major issues is…well, not really, I’ve known this for a while, and have vaguely put it into words here.

Every day, I am setting myself aside and asking others “What can I do for you?” “How can I help you?” It always ends in “you”. I never ask, “What can I do for myself?” “How can I help me?” And the rare times that I do, I end up on my ass at home doing nothing – which of late, includes my asanas. It’s been a long time (Pastry visits not included), since someone really said, “FC, what can I do for you? Really, just name it.” And it came from the heart.

I am my own housekeeper, schedule keeper (not including my asbso-fab former asst), shopper, boss, employee, friend, chauffeur, banker, you name it, I’m it. But I’m not my own caretaker. Least, not in a way that allows me to really, truly relax. It’s partly a trust issue, repeatedly being dropped on my head by people who were allowed in, has kinda made that door the envy of Alice in Wonderland. And it’s caused me to slack off in that regard as well. Saying I’ll do things and then take forever to get them done. I’m trying to work on the latter, but the former is going to take a bulldozer and a wrecking ball.

I need to get over it, and do that whole bootstraps bullshit. But quite honestly, I’d love to throw the bootstraps away, or flog whoever came up with that idea with them. If I had the money, I’d pay someone to make me tomato soup with a grilled cheese, so I can curl up all day in bed.

6 more months.

Imbas Forosnai

I am sorely in need of inspiration. I feel drained, dead, and grasping as weak straws to pull myself up out of this hole. Honestly, I feel worse inside than the weather looks right now. I feel the pull to write, but few things emerge from my fingers even though the thoughts in my head are swirling around like a vanilla/chocolate pudding cup.

Direction, currently lacking and focus is about as tame as a golden retriever in a park….Oh shiny! Oh wait! Duck….no, SQUIRREL!!!! Yeah. I know this means transition, and transition is good even though it means slipping and sliding through mud to get to the water to clean it all off.

My parents are helpful, but I still feel like the worthless child who has capacity for greatness then fails miserably at every turn.

I wish the gov’t would hurry up and approve Pastry’s visa. One less thing to be in the back of my mind and haunting me.

I see the world around me, knowing that this is transition, but knowing that it could also go in the way that no one wants to see. Revolution seems to be the word of the day, and while I had hoped it would be at the ballot box, it seems that it will not occur in that location, but in a much worse manner than anyone had thought. It’s going to cause a lot of good people to question themselves and make choices they wish they had never needed to consider. And I hate the fact that I think this way.

Further and further down the rabbit hole…

Peeling back the layers…

My habits have been slow in coming, but in reflection of the last couple of weeks I’m finding it to not be like massage school, where the layers were peeled back. Instead of removing layers, this seems more akin to a cherry pitter, poking directly into the source and working its way out. This is the first time, in a long time, where tears just come. Normally, that is the result of seeking the result, either through repeated viewing of sad movies or listening to emotion evoking music. But it’s nice, to feel a tear, and not feel like it’s trying to stay in my tear ducts. I know I’m shutting a lot of pain up inside, my writing has been clogged (as the emptiness of this journal shows) and I feel like I’ve stunted myself in some way. The words don’t flow in the rivers previously known, nor do they just attach to the paper I carry with me. I’m still trying to get past that period where I always had someone questioning what I wrote and not leaving it simply as me expressing myself.

Since I wrote this and figured it was too long…

Yoga and other stuff

Already running into issues. I am not a morning person lately and working back to finding my natural sleeping habits. My regular morning ritual and the one I’m trying to shift to are at odds, which means waking up earlier – which obviously is not happening. I have been betting my Pranayama and meditation in, but last night I only ran through about 4 sets of C series sun salutations. They did feel good, but they happened before I went to bed, which is why I didn’t include A or B series. The storm of last week came through before I had any type of habit and I defaulted into the pot of coffee.

The nice thing, is that my poetry is starting to come back, so I’m really hoping the mass quantity of journals I carry right now will result in a means to write. Otherwise, when I have the laptop with me, I’ll just write in offline mode, I guess.

I am less stressed with the pending arraignment. The lawyer that rubberella referred me to is awesome, and I am quite happy with my choice and the fact he could meet with me the day after our phone conversation. It put me quite at ease, considering he was looking at all those ordinances with eyes other than mine. There’s also a good chance for Massage Therapists in Atlanta, but I’m not going to get ahead of myself.

Anyway, my habits are coming along, slowly. I just wish I was more of an early morning person and not a late morning person. Even went to sleep at 9.30pm last night, but apparently my body is in recovery mode. That meant 12 full hours of sleep, to my cats’ dismay. Lexus was quite irritated with me this morning, that I didn’t get up at 8am.