growth

 Mmmmmm, today was perfect.  I slept in till about 2PM, as I spent all night chatting with a Kiwi of my own heart, as well as reassuring vila_rusalka that Sweden will be perfect for her and she shouldn’t be angsty.  I woke up to the perfect horrorscope:  Today is a day when you can have it all. If you were planning on a relaxing day at home with your family, you can do it. If you wanted to do something with a friend, this is possible too. Or you can make definite progress on unfinished chores. Although you might have to prioritize your day, fortunately you won’t need to choose one thing instead of another.  And I did.  Shortly after waking up, headed out to Target for some munchies, came home, cleaned a bit and watched movies and listened to Indie-angry-girl-rock, which I’m still doing.  It was awesome, and I am feeling so much better right now.  I’m slowly working back into the writing mode, the fog is lifting and I can see nothing but sunshine and slight clouds ahead.  I have quite a bit that I need to work on, in this next year, but boy is this gonna pay off for me.  I’ve been wanting this for many years, and the signs are here to proceed with them, so I’m going full-steam ahead and will outline more as they become more concrete.  But, let’s just say that my brother thinks this is the best thing I can do, and is actually encouraging my mother to invest in my idea.  Hearing that from my mum was the best thing I could have ever heard.  I know most people want to prove something to their dad or mum, but for me, it’s my brother.  I grew up in his shadow, and I know he appreciated the stuff that I did, but I always felt like there was some level of lacking belief in my choices.  Particularly, as I am the dreamer of the family.  Everyone up to me has done what they have to do to get by.  He did that to a point, then decided to do what he enjoyed and started making a good life around it.  I’ve always followed my heart, oftentimes to disappointment, but this time, I’m at the point where the time is almost perfect.  I’ve been waiting for this for years, and the fact that all is about to pour forth has me nothing but jumpy, happy, jittery, excited and all sorts of passionate, loving ecstasy open-hearted, etcetcetc.

Needless to say, I have finally found a purpose.  And I’m feeling nothing but balance, right now.

The thing I hate the most, right now, is that I’m spending more time stressing and trying make sure things work. I don’t have time for yoga, don’t have time for writing, and my journal sucks ass. I have no time to write about the goings on with me, much less do any investigation into the works of me. I know I’m whining, and I know I pretty much wrote this the other day. I suck.

That said, I finally was able to see my trainer today. He was impressed with the fact I haven’t lost muscle tone, yet. But he kicked my ass, to the tune of my quads cramping up so bad I couldn’t walk, and the inability to sit upright due to nausea. It was awesome. Actually made me feel quite wonderful when I was finally able to stand up and walk.

Work was good, a quick day, which was nice. And I came over to montieth‘s house to see that he has found a picture of me from college.  My co-worker Badri was playing with our imaging software, gave me short hair.  It looks good, just wish it would look that good IRL.

I’m very much looking forward to having this day off.  It’ll mostly be socializing, but that is ok.  Christmas is for thinking, particularly given that I will eventually have a better schedule.  So I will have time to THINK!  Particularly since I owe people some journal responses (don’t worry, haven’t forgotten about you).  Just wish I had a laptop for some Cafe time.  Oh, that would be wonderful.  But it’s coming!  Once I am able to get some of my recent debt paid down, I will be all about that used but new laptop.

 Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

It’s a ripe time to work on fixing any neurosis that chronically disrupts your economic karma. Can you afford sessions with a psychotherapist who’ll help you improve your relationship with money? Just in case you can’t, I’ll offer two exercises that might propel you toward financial self-healing. #1: Twice a day for five minutes, visualize yourself immersed in a joyous and meaningful experience that would be made possible by a more abundant flow of money into your life. #2: Think of three generous acts you want to carry out, three blessings you want to bestow, or three uplifting messages you want to deliver to deserving people. 

FreeWill Astrology

Can’t afford the psycho-therapist, but I really do need to take a hard look at this aspect of my life.  Things are not terribly positive ATM, and not because I’m lacking for work – yet.  But that is more for a f-list entry, and not for public consumption.

That said, I am working on over-coming the negativity that has enveloped me, of late.  This is getting ridiculous, as it’s inhibiting my ability to have any type of conversation with someone that does not involve my complaints.  My shoulders are killing me, to the point that moving them is seriously painful.  I started back training this week, for just an hour a day.  That’s helping a little, but having groin muscles that don’t want to move (they took offense to my sleeping position on the way to Paris).  The hope is, a huge chunk falls off this Saturday.  When I get home, I’ve been doing some relaxation stuff.  Last night was a lovely homemade Indian dinner, a wonderful oil and salt soak/scrub, a glass of wine and my favourite all-time movie….Possession.  The only downside is I kept wanting to ditch the movie for chat time.  I have slipped back into a habit I had hoped to break. :/  Now to break it again.

So, in my effort to give meaning to my life (yes, I’m having a day of questioning, it started last night while sitting in my window overlooking Copenhagen – got a wonderful shot of the view to post later). I’m putting a question to all my readers, LJ users and site visitors alike….

What do I mean to you? What aspect of myself provides something to you? Why do you enjoy reading what comes out of my head?

*For you non-LJers, you may post anonymously, but please sign your post so I know who it’s coming from.

To contextualize this, I’m in the process of evaluating where I am, and where I want to go. Unfortunately, I’m a bit lost, ATM, and feel highly detached from almost everyone around me, including the people I’m supposed to be closest to.

Perception…

It’s kinda funny that this whole thing comes up today, after spending the evening speaking with my Scotsman on the topic. Particularly in regards to the upcoming election and why some people are so put off by his manner of argument. Our society doesn’t want the actual facts, they want the perception of those facts. In the case of it being brought up this morning, it’s not the perception that something wrong was done, it’s the fact that something wrong was actually done. And everyone called it. So what is the solution? An offered perception of an apology, in the future. Which, of course, nullifies any meaning of sincerity in the future (of course, one could get away with it in our ADD society, as it will be forgotten – like the bailout bill will be, come election for the rest of the dumbasses that voted for it).

I bring this up here, because it’s a personal issue of mine, and I don’t want to muck up a discussion board with the subject. Fact is, it won’t be a sincere apology, and it will be, yet another, brick in the wall of feigned apologies going up around the person, because this person does not want to accept full resposibility for the consequences of his actions. This time, last year, I wrote out my list of people I had issues with, and people who were “on probation” with me. Well, year is almost up, and there’s a few days left. Some relationships are being torched, and this will be one of them. If I’m going to run in a circle, it’s going to be because I’m dancing, running on a track, or driving a speed course. It will not be, because someone wants to play a game with me. And that is all this is. From here on out, all interaction will be ignored, that includes all future postings, chatroom postings and public interactions (which, hopefully, won’t exist because of the last issue that pissed me off – and yes, it did piss me off, so congrats).

In the end, B, I no longer call you my friend, and I will not act as such, ever.

So, I guess it might be useful for me to post things from time to time, eh?

Anyway, sinus’ are finally caving in and clearing, which is nice. Goal is to be back in the gym on Monday, so I can get some decent training started, before getting my ass handed to me by vikings. Work is starting to even out, but as always, that is to be covered by a lock and key here. I’m starting to move into a happier place, emotionally. The only thing I need to work on now, is getting the damned knots in my shoulders and jaw to disappear. One of my clients asked me if I was going to get worked on, while in Denmark, and the idea has not escaped my brain. I’m really tempted to find a spa and see about spending my birthday there, or at least one day there. As for other body parts, my second knuckle on my ring and middle fingers are still frozen. I’ve been forcing it a good bit, but still not where they need to be. The positive, is that I can twist them side-to-side without issues.

The weather is cooling off, which means biking will be a lot easier. And with the schedule screw-ups at my secondary contract, that will put me in an even better position to ride over there. I haven’t decided if this is going to be a positive or not, but it seems my work week is going to be split up, with days off being Sunday and Thursday. This is a huge maybe, as I’m supposed to have dibs on Thursdays, with Mondays being roughly every other week (but only working 2-3 hours max). I don’t mind it, as I love the office, love the clients and I get paid really well.

Anyway, that is all for now.

PS- I followed the herd, I now have a facebook. *hangs head*

It’s the most simplest things in the world, that make you turn your head for a double-take. In a society that prides itself on complexity, and ultimately finds that the most complex things fall down the fastest. Thinking that they are strong, and will withstand whatever is thrown at them. But the smallest breeze crushes them down, and grinds them into dust. I love the simple things. I love the small conversations about nothing. A basic thought that can grow into many, and while they all relate, they are all completely separate. A simple touch, that can tell someone exactly how you feel. And in that, I found the joy again. The joy that makes me look through everything that is negative being thrown at me, and know that I will be ok, again.

Scorpio (October 21-November 23)

The bad news is that you are, metaphorically speaking, in jail. The good news is that a recent visitor sneaked you the key to the locked door of your cell. The weird news: You have not yet realized that you have the means to escape, since your visitor did not actually tell you that the key is hidden inside a certain thing he or she left behind. The great news is that I’m here to inform you about the situation. Once you locate the key, Scorpio, slip your hand between the iron bars so you can fit the key into the keyhole from the front. It won’t work from behind.

FreeWill Astrology

So that explains this ungodly sickness. Though, if it’s cosmic, I’m screwed, as I have too much crap to search through.

In other news, I’m feeling as if I have been left alone, of late. The same work issues are surfacing, but that is for a locked post and not for public consumption. I’m not sure if I’m feeling neglected, or somehow separated by a wall, which I just can’t get my head around. Or maybe this feeling is just the cattleprod to say, “You are not where you’re supposed to be, so get a move on!” Then again, it could just be my general frustration with quite a few things. My living situation has ceased to be my ideal. My neighbors are mostly jackasses, with their stupid ghetto mobiles that they drag race around here at 11PM. It seems my complex did not replace my carpet, which I have pulled up, right now. I am treating cat stains, only to find older stains and mold. Yay for half-assed carpet cleaning by my complex. The positive, is the smell is going away, it’s just taking forever for my carpets to dry, thanks to the moist weather.

*insert break*

Ok, got the shop vac out to dry the carpets. It helped a little bit, but holy fuck, I think my apartment smells worse, now. I don’t know what the fuck was spilled on my carpets prior to my cats adding to it, but it fucking stinks. I honestly think the prior folks had a dog, because this is not cat piss smelling up the place.

Scorpio (December 23-November 21)

Three enlightened teenagers I know have formed a gang called The Disciples. It’s dedicated to plying the dangerous arts of humility, curiosity, and optimism — three qualities that are so undervalued in our culture as to be almost taboo. Here’s their motto, which reveals how far they’re willing to go in order to listen well, keep their egos in check, and constantly scour their surroundings for reasons to be grateful: “We have no issues and no problems, but only questions.” I urge you to start your own branch of The Disciples, Scorpio — or at least work on cultivating their approach.

FreeWill Astrology

Ya know, this might be the kick in the pants I need. I’ve been feeling a bit stagnant lately and the words I find describing me to be: empty, dispassionate, blank, ambivalent and various other forms of uninspired. It really sucks, really it does. I did a vision quest the other night, with my brother, and found it to be quite insightful. At some point I may detail it, if not here, on my spiritblog. I just have to filter out the symbolism and figure out which symbols go with what detail of my life. At either point, I know that there is peace on the other side of this hurdle, it’s just a matter of having the strength of mind to get through the trials that stand directly in front of me.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

It’s Let It Go Week, Scorpio — also known as Just Drop It Week. This is a fertile moment in your astrological cycle, a time when you’ll be rewarded with a creative influx if you surrender your tight grip, give up your obsessive hold, and stop clinging to your hardened expectations. So I urge you to summon your most brazen vigor and get yourself as completely unstuck as you dare. And please keep in mind that this should be relaxing fun, not a worrisome ordeal.

FreeWill Astrology

What a good suggestion, of course, with every turning of my personal cycle (yeah the b-day is getting closer) I’m going to start ditching somethings that have proven to be baggage in the previous year. The professional stuff is starting to even out, a little bit, but we shall see how that works out.