inner sanctum

Being vulnerable…

Note: Nothing in this post should be construed as me thinking the people who care about me don’t. This is just a note of where I am at mentally, in this moment, and how I feel/think about this placement.

I don’t have an inner circle anymore. I’m starting to accept that thought and my part in creating it. I’ve always felt more the outsider, everywhere, even in my family. I’m not sure how to move out of that frameset, but a goal of mine since the beginning of the forced solitude era has been to create a new one. And to start building the web that might make this one a little stronger and last even a little bit longer than the last one.

I hold no grudges in the why’s of it falling apart. I don’t force people to pay attention to me, talk with me, or wonder about me. Maybe I leave too much of the upkeep to them, knowing that my effort needs to increase, now that I’m not constantly chasing/recovering from work stuffs.

I think some of it also has to do with this idea of ‘reaching out’. Which I’m sure some folks, who know how to contact me, reading this will start doing. Which will create its own panic due to too many inquiries – and that statement will reduce it for those who decide not to because they don’t want to add to it. How’s that for a Catch-22?

But I guess, in all of this, it makes those memes of mental health useless. I honestly find them a little hypocritical, in that this is how folks slip through the cracks. If it weren’t for the car groups I’m part of, I honestly think I’d disappear from social media. As summer starts to peek out, the offer from a friend to kayak (not ready to go back to rafting with strangers) is definitely going to be taken up on weekends and days off. Car meet-ups can be back on the menu, and maybe I can create a local inner circle that involves sitting around fires and sharing those deep, vulnerable conversations that can only happen when the shadows rise and all pretenses can drop.

Thoughts and ponderings….

Sitting in the room, listening to Led Zeppelin (Pastry got the recent offerings) and reading the remainder of The Upanishads that I haven’t finished. The further realization that I’ve fallen further from the spirituality tree. But I’m turning around. The original thought was to see about spending a week up at the Monastery for a time of silent contemplation with my journals. Then the idea that I think I want to move my yoga program (meaning just me, unless any other instructors want to get in on this) to a donation only set-up. Not necessarily in the realm of seeing if it works, but in thinking how things were done at one point and how we’ve gotten away from that – namely, providing a service for what people could afford. My parents would totally knock me for this, as would some of my friends. But as I sit back and think about it, my life has been a series of financial blunders and worries because of the fact that I put money first. As I’ve started to not do that, things have grown. When I start fretting, things taper off.

I honestly don’t want to live a deep material life. I like my small house, I like my few objects (even though I need to get rid of more of them), and I love my vacation experiences. I like waking up late on Sundays, listening to whatever Pastry feels like putting on the table, and hanging out with my cats or going for a hike in a forest. I like tearing down walls in my house and creating new things. When Spring fully arrives, I will be back out on the patio enjoying the mornings and evenings.

I always joked that I would never know what to do with money if I ever made more thank $20k a year. And I still don’t know what I’d do. Most would go towards my retirement account, maybe save up for that VW camper trailer I want and put some towards a recycled shipping container house in the mountains.

I just find it amazing, thinking about the depths I’ve sunk to, sometimes. Trying to dig myself out, because I don’t trust that it will happen naturally. But as I told my mother today. Trusting in the Universe is a true test, namely because humans inject themselves into the equation and tend to screw things up.

Need to turn that around again. Though, it puts me to the point where I have to decide whether I’m going to be a part of the world, or if I’m going to step back from it. I’d like to be a part on my own terms, but I know that’s a large request. I just hope that opening myself up in that way, regardless how it plays out, is in some manner a benefit instead of a detriment. It also means I’ll have to let go and not attach myself to those who cross my path. Not expecting return from those who are more willing to take than give, the one time it is allowed. And walking away from those who wish to gain by stepping on the backs of others without offering a hand up.