Note: Nothing in this post should be construed as me thinking the people who care about me don’t. This is just a note of where I am at mentally, in this moment, and how I feel/think about this placement.
I don’t have an inner circle anymore. I’m starting to accept that thought and my part in creating it. I’ve always felt more the outsider, everywhere, even in my family. I’m not sure how to move out of that frameset, but a goal of mine since the beginning of the forced solitude era has been to create a new one. And to start building the web that might make this one a little stronger and last even a little bit longer than the last one.
I hold no grudges in the why’s of it falling apart. I don’t force people to pay attention to me, talk with me, or wonder about me. Maybe I leave too much of the upkeep to them, knowing that my effort needs to increase, now that I’m not constantly chasing/recovering from work stuffs.
I think some of it also has to do with this idea of ‘reaching out’. Which I’m sure some folks, who know how to contact me, reading this will start doing. Which will create its own panic due to too many inquiries – and that statement will reduce it for those who decide not to because they don’t want to add to it. How’s that for a Catch-22?
But I guess, in all of this, it makes those memes of mental health useless. I honestly find them a little hypocritical, in that this is how folks slip through the cracks. If it weren’t for the car groups I’m part of, I honestly think I’d disappear from social media. As summer starts to peek out, the offer from a friend to kayak (not ready to go back to rafting with strangers) is definitely going to be taken up on weekends and days off. Car meet-ups can be back on the menu, and maybe I can create a local inner circle that involves sitting around fires and sharing those deep, vulnerable conversations that can only happen when the shadows rise and all pretenses can drop.