Month: October 2011

Horrorscopes

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

You could preside over your very own Joy Luck Club in the coming days. According to my reading of the astrological omens, the levels of gratification possible could exceed your normal quota by a substantial margin. You may want to Google the Chinese character that means “double happiness” and use it as your ruling symbol. And it might be time to explore and experiment with the concepts of “super bliss,” “sublime delight,” and “brilliant ecstasy.” Halloween costume suggestions: a saintly hedonist from paradise; a superhero whose superpower is the ability to experience extreme amounts of pleasure; the luckiest person who ever lived.

FreeWill Astrology

Well, waking up laughing, compliments of my friends H&D from down under definitely helped. I’m honestly feeling a bit divided, because my life, on paper sucks ass right now. But emotionally, I’m in a really good place. I woke up laughing and smiling, Lexus is finally hanging out with me again, my shoulders aren’t killing me, and I feel hopeful. Maybe it’s the thought of the new year turning on Monday, and a new year for me on Thursday. Had a great conversation with my Mum this afternoon and gave her an explanation on why I spend birthday money on bills and whatnot. Security is more important to me than shiny gifties, and having that makes me feel happy, which is what she wants. So she is now happy because I will be more secure. I have a clean house, well, semi right now. And I’ve been helping some friends out as I can. Have also been getting lots of nuzzles from Lexus and spending some time being a bit extravagant on my dinners. I’m also confident that my over-spending yesterday will put me in a better place in the future, as it will hopefully bring better traffic to my office. My fingers are crossed.

I hope this happy wave is much longer than the depression I’ve been going through.

Mulahadhara work

So I was having an argument in my head with one of my clients, for some reason, this is my means of working out issues. Little did I know what was going to come up.

We were talking about a recent issue, namely my failures, that resulted in her being left by the wayside. As the argument progressed, I realized what one of my abso-huge major issues is…well, not really, I’ve known this for a while, and have vaguely put it into words here.

Every day, I am setting myself aside and asking others “What can I do for you?” “How can I help you?” It always ends in “you”. I never ask, “What can I do for myself?” “How can I help me?” And the rare times that I do, I end up on my ass at home doing nothing – which of late, includes my asanas. It’s been a long time (Pastry visits not included), since someone really said, “FC, what can I do for you? Really, just name it.” And it came from the heart.

I am my own housekeeper, schedule keeper (not including my asbso-fab former asst), shopper, boss, employee, friend, chauffeur, banker, you name it, I’m it. But I’m not my own caretaker. Least, not in a way that allows me to really, truly relax. It’s partly a trust issue, repeatedly being dropped on my head by people who were allowed in, has kinda made that door the envy of Alice in Wonderland. And it’s caused me to slack off in that regard as well. Saying I’ll do things and then take forever to get them done. I’m trying to work on the latter, but the former is going to take a bulldozer and a wrecking ball.

I need to get over it, and do that whole bootstraps bullshit. But quite honestly, I’d love to throw the bootstraps away, or flog whoever came up with that idea with them. If I had the money, I’d pay someone to make me tomato soup with a grilled cheese, so I can curl up all day in bed.

6 more months.

The wonderful wheels of justice…

So, my arraignment has been post-poned. Why? Because the judge is on vacation. So, by the time I actually enter a plea, it will have been over a month since being charged.

Absolute bullshit. There is no reason for a judge to have had cases applied to her docket, when she’s on vacation. Something in Atlanta is thoroughly screwed up and it’s higher up than the judge’s schedule keeper, methinks.

Bonus points…

Pastry’s visa was approved today, he’ll receive his passport and everything back in December, so that’s on track for an March/April/May move.

Therapist sick today, so I have to cover, but he can’t cover my client tomorrow while I’m in yoga class. Sent email with suggested make-up plan, but he’s on a plane so won’t have confirmation on it till later. Positive, is that the universe might be nice to me today.

Still need to do my self-evaluation homework, should have time to write it out today, or at least some of it. Real test, will be if I can wake my ass up at 6.30 tomorrow and be in class on time.

Still fearful of Tuesday, but still confident having re-looked at the regulations and know that I fall under the exception clause.

Almost caught up on bills. Gas company approved me for prorated billing, so my fixed bills are around $845 a month and given re-evaluations might go down further as I ditch non-essentials, again.

I’m getting there, slowly and with the occasional set-back. But I’m getting there.

Imbas Forosnai

I am sorely in need of inspiration. I feel drained, dead, and grasping as weak straws to pull myself up out of this hole. Honestly, I feel worse inside than the weather looks right now. I feel the pull to write, but few things emerge from my fingers even though the thoughts in my head are swirling around like a vanilla/chocolate pudding cup.

Direction, currently lacking and focus is about as tame as a golden retriever in a park….Oh shiny! Oh wait! Duck….no, SQUIRREL!!!! Yeah. I know this means transition, and transition is good even though it means slipping and sliding through mud to get to the water to clean it all off.

My parents are helpful, but I still feel like the worthless child who has capacity for greatness then fails miserably at every turn.

I wish the gov’t would hurry up and approve Pastry’s visa. One less thing to be in the back of my mind and haunting me.

I see the world around me, knowing that this is transition, but knowing that it could also go in the way that no one wants to see. Revolution seems to be the word of the day, and while I had hoped it would be at the ballot box, it seems that it will not occur in that location, but in a much worse manner than anyone had thought. It’s going to cause a lot of good people to question themselves and make choices they wish they had never needed to consider. And I hate the fact that I think this way.

Further and further down the rabbit hole…

Peeling back the layers…

My habits have been slow in coming, but in reflection of the last couple of weeks I’m finding it to not be like massage school, where the layers were peeled back. Instead of removing layers, this seems more akin to a cherry pitter, poking directly into the source and working its way out. This is the first time, in a long time, where tears just come. Normally, that is the result of seeking the result, either through repeated viewing of sad movies or listening to emotion evoking music. But it’s nice, to feel a tear, and not feel like it’s trying to stay in my tear ducts. I know I’m shutting a lot of pain up inside, my writing has been clogged (as the emptiness of this journal shows) and I feel like I’ve stunted myself in some way. The words don’t flow in the rivers previously known, nor do they just attach to the paper I carry with me. I’m still trying to get past that period where I always had someone questioning what I wrote and not leaving it simply as me expressing myself.

Since I wrote this and figured it was too long…