Month: February 2008

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Actor Cary Grant said he didn’t necessarily advocate making love constantly. “Who can do it all the time?” he asked. “Though I do try.” Your assignment in the coming weeks, Scorpio, as revealed by the astrological omens, is to attempt what Grant aspired to: Do the wild thing as much as possible. Get busy before breakfast on the kitchen table and on your mid-morning break in the closet. Duck out of work early so you can get your freak on. Get a hundred more strokes and licks and kisses in before bedtime. Et cetera. And if you don’t have a lover to help you out in this noble cause, then boink the wind, screw the sky, hump your dreams, make love to the universe.

FreeWill Astrology

Ya know…..I’m not even going to touch this one, unless it involves copious amounts of violence.

Down the rabbit hole we go…

Nothing says “teh suck” like living through the plauge and now having insomnia.  I have a lot of crap going through my head, job-related, but as normal mostly home related.  I’m not going to try and explain my attachment to my roommate, as even I can’t define it for myself.  My ex seemed to be under the impression that everything dealt with my desire to be with him – as in “a couple”.  However, that doesn’t even touch it, as I readily admit that the attachment (like almost all of my other attachments) has nothing to do with sex – as my ex seemed to think.  montieth and I have been through a lot together, he has helped me grow in so many ways, I can’t even begin to list them.  Normally, in cases of the teacher/student, the student would be ready to go out into the world and either become a teacher, or find a new one to take them to the next level.  This is vastly different. as I think there is a much deeper bond, least on my end, than the student/teacher bond.

So, needless to say, any ripple that echoes through the relationship, that brings some sort of change, brings me a lot of pain.  I don’t expect the friends of his, who don’t know me, to understand this.  I can’t say I appreciate some of the crap they’ve spewed to him, in regards to this, but to each their own.  But this is the source of my constant state of depression.  Knowing that my foundation is crumbling apart and that I have to fix it.

The one we’ve come up with, is for me to move out.  Well, not my ideal fix, but it will definitely fix the problem.  Unfortunately, it creates a new problem – namely, it further removes me from the outside world.  Of all the people that I can honestly say I know, I know myself.  I know, that if I move into my own place, I will shut myself away, stay on my side of town and those who see me less will see me even fewer times.  I’ve managed to keep up with most people, through here, but they will lose their connection to me, as I’m already writing less and less, as the days go by and after a move out, will probably cease writing here completely, for a while.  I’m trying to wrap my head around everything, so that, when the day comes I can be better prepared.  But how do you wrap your brain and psyche around completely losing the person you gave your soul to?  I know there are people out there, who will never be able to understand what I mean by this, given my relationship philosophies and how I view love and intimacy.  But, I did.  montieth is the only person I’ve allowed all the way in.  He’s the one that sees the darkest sides of me, up close and personal and sees the tormented hell that I actually exist in.  How do you rearrange your being, to know that the person you allow that to, wants to cast you as far away as possible?

I know there’s a cotton candy way to couch all of this, but that doesn’t change the basis reality of the whole situation.  Because I let him all the way in, it’s become a liability for him and because it’s a liability, I have to go.  That realization hurts me, because I know he doesn’t feel the same way.  Least, it’s not felt as deeply.  Normally, it’s something I can accept and be comfy with, but for some reason this is not one of those times…. 

I think I liked life a lot more when I was in college. At least, then, I knew everything was temporary, and didn’t expect anything to last longer than a semester. Now, I’m living in a home, that’s obviously not my home anymore. It’s just a nice storage box for my things.

I’m sitting here, at home. Wishing I knew if I was contagious or not, because I’d much rather be watching a seminar with my teammates at our sister gym, then sitting around, and letting my mind wander into the “I’m not wanted around here anymore” territory. Half of me just wants to pack everything up and leave, the other half just no longer gives a shit and wants to wallow in misery. If anything, being sick has proven to me, how much I have let things go, I feel more like a dog in this house, than anything. Though, I think a dog would get more credit in going to fetch things, than I have. But hey, I guess I could just consider this payback on all those “taken for granted” conversations and leave it at that, call things even and be done with it all.

But reality sinks in, and that dark hole swallows me, making me realize, that if I do leave, I will be gone. I admit on a daily basis, how I’ve thrown away all my friends here. Not purposely, just in that lives get busy, and that’s the way things go sometimes. When I started this year, my goal was to put together my list of friends that I wanted to spend, at least, once a month with – playing catch-up – and I haven’t done it yet. So far, I’ve only managed to get out to ZA once, where I inadvertently insulted thegreyman‘s gf (I really wasn’t meaning that, since I consider what was being described as being psycho, not insane – but that’s beside the point). And ended up sitting next to someone I can’t stand, professionally or personally. :-/

I’m trying to get myself to a better place, mentally, restructure my support group, so I can move on and follow my dreams. I’m not doing so hot, but only because I don’t stop to smell the roses more. I think I’m going to do that after Pan-ams. Been talking about taking some time off of competitions, maybe after this tournament season, so I’m not constantly training for one, or spending money on them. I’m not burned out, yet, but my soul is gasping for air.

Anyway, for those of you, who I have expressed interest in having lunch, dinner, brunch, coffee, etc, please respond with days that are good for you, in the next coming months (all comments are screened). I know it sucks to “schedule” crap, and I hate it, but if I don’t I’ll overbook myself. My goal is to make it out to brunch at least once a month, when my schedule permits, I’ll post when I will be there. Thanks to this illness, I’ve promised my Sundays to the office, but that doesn’t guarantee I will have clients. I want to go tomorrow, but I have no clue exactly how contagious I still am (which is the whole reason I’m still home right now).

Also, any girls up for a girls night in? Or something? I’ve fallen by the wayside in taking physical care of myself (meaning, shaving, facial care, nails, etc) and it really doesn’t help my mental stability.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Poet Sylvia Plath said she wasn’t much impressed with the “photographic mind which paradoxically tells the truth, but the worthless truth, about the world.” What she really loved was the “synthesizing spirit, that ‘shaping’ force, which prolifically sprouts and makes up its own worlds with more inventiveness than God.” That’s the aspect of your psyche I hope will be in full bloom during the coming weeks, Scorpio. It’s a perfect time for you to enter into an unprecedented phase of building. You’re ripe to dream up a host of creations for yourself — to improvise and design and compose.

FreeWill Astrology

I’m going with my ETs interpretation: “your world is what you make it, and you have the power of creation like mad”. I’m too sick to come up with my own interpretation, right now.

With that said, I have teh kittehs on the couch with me, and they’re not hissing at each other (regularly).

I’s a happy freak.

So, long story short, my friend is the promotor for ProgPower Scandinavia. I talked him into moving the fest up a week, so that it falls between his b-day and mine this year. Well, there are several bands I WANT to see, since I work ProgPower USA and rarely get to see any of the bands (and that will decrease even more with this year’s line-up/schedule).

At any rate, so far, he has two of my favourite bands on the line-up. Raintime, whose set I missed completely this year. And Wuthering Heights, whose set I also missed the year they played.

I LOVE CLAUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *bouncebouncebouncebounce*

And just in the event no one can figure it out, yes, I will be there. For those that might be interested:
progpower scandinavia

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Happy Valentine Daze, Scorpio! After extensive meditation about what advice would be most useful for your love life in the coming months, I decided on this gentle rant from the South African poet Shabbir Banoobhai: “Love is a mystery. And the reason why it is a mystery and should remain a mystery is that knowledge of it would give us mastery over it — would enable us to manipulate it — and love, truth, God, cannot be manipulated. Hence the Prophet exclaimed, ‘My Lord, increase my bewilderment in Thee.'”

FreeWill Astrology

I totally agree with this, hence why I accept love when I feel it and express it as it feels the need to be expressed. Hell, it’s one of my life’s endevours, because once it opens up in your mind’s eye, you love the world and everything in it, not just one thing. And suddenly, not only does loneliness disappear, but the connections to everything take root and grow.

On the other foot, can we get off the Val’s day stuff?

For the one who holds my soul…

Every day, I look at you and see the beauty of you, the kindness and generousity that attracted me to you. You were the bright and shiney diamond among a bag full of coal, I saw in you, everything that you are, and everything that those you seek don’t see. I loved you, before you even really knew who I was, before I called you on my first day at work, to meet up for coffee.

I look at you now, and see the same person, only tortured by the fact that someone who sees all that beauty and love in you, is also the one who is not right for you. I wanted, for so long, to believe that I could be everything you needed, and that I could give all of myself to you. I found I was wrong. Whether it was because I was young and needed to live in my world, or just because this is the way I will be forever. Every day, I want to reach out and hold you. Show you I still love you, but know that doing so, will hurt even more. I feel selfish, because I know I just won’t be hurting you, I’ll be hurting me as well. I know I can’t have you, and I know that the dream of us forever, is just a dream. As much as I want that to be reality, I see the rocky roads we’ve been down together, the grass covered prairies where we could smile and enjoy each other, and the dark forests where our souls were the most evil. While we may not have been meant for each other, we were meant to be together. The bond we have is a strong one, as much as I fear the breaking of it in the future.

I remember all the times, where you chastized me, for wearing my heart on my sleeve and letting it run towards something faster than my head. I always fought back, because I wanted to feel and experience something, more than I wanted to learn first. I am always the impulsive one, whereas you were the logical think first one. I sit back now, and see that we are starting to reverse. I have become the one that sits back and watches, moving slowly, and watching as you start your path towards reconciling your emotional self. Holding it in has been too much for you, and I become amazed at who you are now, even in your passion, I find you beautiful, more than ever. I saw you this morning, curled up and hair rustled as you snuck deeper under your covers, and I loved you. I loved all of you, including the parts that drive me nuts. And I told you, and you told me you loved me too. You are the most beautiful thing to me, in all the awkwardness and fumbling around each other, you are perfection, and I love you for it.