I’m tired, worn out from the crap that’s been going on, and it’s only Tuesday. The really sad part, is my weekend was as close to a vacation as I could have gotten and it was nothing but absolute bliss. My goal is to track down the Whipping boy for a trip to the mountains tomorrow, or at least an escape to a coffeehaus in another city/state. I don’t know what’s going on, still having a slight disconnect from my Zoomie, which I’m slowly tracking down to his popularity and my desire to shun limelight. Yes, I talk about a bunch of personal stuff here, laying it all out and taking judgement as it comes, but really – I hate crowds, I hate lots of people, and I hate “adoring” fans who are so sickly sweet they’d melt if you added water. I know this is a contradiction in terms, especially in regards to my latest pursuits. I’m shoving myself into the limelight so that people can fawn all over my image, desire me, and shower me with all the attention in the world. If they do, power to them, otherwise, a simple “Wow, that’s hot. So what motivates you?” would rock my world. I like things to be in-depth, the people I will end up friends with are ones that will actually sit down and talk with me. Maybe that’s what I’m missing right now, meaningful chatter. Maybe that’s where the disconnect truly is, he’s slaving away at new-found success – which is great, and I’m happy for him. Means more growth to who he is, and I walk along the sidelines doing my own thing, waiting for a break.

Anyway, with things slowing down, a bit, I’m hoping to get some new entries into my pillow book. I have 3 in my head and I need to write them before I forget them. Might have to make notes to trigger the memories in the meantime.

Ya know, summer is not the time to look inward, that’s what winter is for, so why am I facing the wrong direction?

13 comments

  1. ok here it goes….

    Ya know, summer is not the time to look inward, that’s what winter is for, so why am I facing the wrong direction?

    That reminds me of this poem I wrote last Fall/Winter called “Persephone’s Stigma” – I will send it to you if youwant…..

    Ok, Back on track here……. You are a very analytical person, especially when it comes to looking inward. You talk about things openly, but still remain guarded, I guess as a control factor or something… Which is good. It means that you have the ability to express yourself about extremely personal things, but not leave yourself vulnerable… This is true, yes?

    My point is, leaving yourself out there to be noticed, etc is one of your personas, and not necessarily what is going on inside. I am not suggesting that you hide things. You strike me as a very open, very no bullshit about you type of person. (geeze, I wish more people were like that) But you also are in tune with others, empathic, perhaps, which makes you more sensitive to others and how you affect them and how they in turn affect you.

    The fact that you are glad for Zoomie but feeling like you are on the sidelines is perfectly normal. I think everyone is prone to this. But it also means that you stand in your own light. I think maybe you feel like you are facing the wrong direction because you put constant demands on yourself intellectually and emotionally. You expect more from yourself than anyone else. Hang on to this. These are very positive qualities. But find ways to channel it to a place where it won’t suck all the life out of you. (really sorry if this is a little long, and doubly sorry if I am way off…..)

    *hugs*

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    1. Re: ok here it goes….

      I would love to read that poem. And yes, I cover my ass, so to speak…requirement of being a scorpio. πŸ˜‰

      Yeah, I’m more of the passive-type person when it comes to being noticed, I like being seen by my own merits, which is why I have such a “grand” web presence. I can sit by and watch as people notice me, instead of having the feeling of eyes burrowing in the back of my head. And I HATE bullshit, absolutely hate it! *giggles* It leads to drama, and I don’t want drama. I’ve always been empathic with others, my dad used to hate it because I was always finding “the one thing in a person to love and hanging onto it so I could drag it out of them and show it to them”. In other words, he said I was trying to save the world.

      I stand on the sidelines because I don’t want to detract from him, it’s his limelight and he needs to enjoy it. My ex used to hate this part of me, because when he was on, and the star of the party, I would always go elsewhere because the crowd was too much for me. He couldn’t accept that part of me and accused me of bringing him down and spoiling the moment. Not the intention, I just hate crowds and don’t want to steal someone’s sunshine.

      You’re not off. πŸ˜‰ You know me too well, now. *hugs*

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    1. Left Handed

      Oh yes… arent we all? Of course can you consider yourself both left handed AND ambidex….oh hell I am not even going to try and spell that one. LOL What if you throw with your left hand, write left, kick right, focus hand right, shoot left…. ahhhhh, the complications. So, off to the success. When it wears off I am going to be much happier. Right now I feel a cross between enjoying my writing and being the victim of my own personal mind sucking vampire. Dont worry love, it isnt going to last long and I understand about removing yourself from the spotlight. ITs to bright here for me. Probably why I wear my sunglasses. *nibbles* I still love you so much.

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  2. Erm, guess I musta missed the part about the limelight. *totally confused*
    πŸ˜‰

    Maybe why you are facing the wrong direction is to see another path that is awaiting for you?

    That’s only my guess though, from one of your adoring fans.

    *hug*

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  3. wouldn’t the line be: “i’d ask you a meaningful question, but i’m too busy looking at your boobs?”

    alright, sorry, i just had to break the tension a bit. πŸ˜‰ i think introspection is good, really good, until you start picking nits off the hairs you’re splitting. don’t push it. you know your limits, and they are *yours,* not requiring explanation to or for anyone. as long as you’re clear on your motivations, you’re golden.

    i love your honesty in this post, and am aligned with you on the disingenuous feel of adoration. (doesn’t mean it *isn’t* genuine, just feels that way.) i’m not sucking up or anything, just giving a “yeah, me, too.”

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    1. Ha! I have to have tits to have someone looking at them! But yeah, the introspection is good, and it’s one of the things I have to work on. I spend too much time analyzing things (happens when you grow up with 2 biochemists and a biologist).

      All else said, I’m assuming you’re probably one of my blogbuddies…feel free to use the open id source, or just sign future responses. πŸ˜‰ I like to know who I’m talking to. πŸ˜€

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      1. sorry…

        brain farts. πŸ™‚
        it was me, alix.
        (i wasn’t really staring at your tits, but i thought it sounded funny)

        alix, the currently brain dead.

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      2. Re: sorry…

        hahahahaha! s’alright girly. for a bit it sounded like IrishD, especially after his comment on Ala’s blog! *giggles*

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