Day: July 1, 2005

So, I’ve discovered something new about myself the other night, in regards to how fucked up I am with relationships. See, the dipshit ex used to use his attentions to other girls to put me in my place. Kinda a reminder that he can always find someone else, no matter what. It was one of the major reasons why I completely shut down, because if I flirted with others, then obviously I was thinking of leaving him (he saw it as a dose of his own medicine, and a means to control me). So, I’m still not as big a flirt as I used to be, and I tend to keep it to people I consider “safe”. Meaning, people I know aren’t going to take it as a sign that I want to be in a relationship with them, or that it means I want to have sex with them (totally different situation that caused that reaction). Anyway, my emotions, of late, I’ve been thinking had something to do with some jealousy feeling, and while it does, the feelings of jealousy are coming from the conditioning that the dipshit ex set into place. They are not coming from my own personal feelings of inadequacy. When I realized this connection, it felt like this whole weight dropped off my shoulders, and any low feelings that I’ve been having of late just jumped me right up to going to bed on a high note. Of course, this left me with the feeling of being completely stupid and childish in my reactions this past month, but gods it feels good to know that I was just being stupid and childish. It’s broken down a serious barrier for me between me and my Zoomie because it made me realize (not that I wasn’t consciously aware of it before) that he really is just a massive flirt. Yeah, that makes no sense, but if you, the reader, are trying to understand just think of those truths about yourself that you know and recognize, but then something happens that just turns that lightbulb up to floodlight wattage and the bell starts dinging in your head and the revelation and acceptance finally just makes you smile in that stupid goofy way that says, “Aha!”

And this is why I love and absolutely adore that man. It would have taken me longer to actualize this part of me if I had to wait for the next person. Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I love my boys, if it weren’t for them, it’d be hard to discover parts of myself that require additional people. *lots of hugs, kisses, snuggles, etc to the both of you* Mraowr. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!