relationships

So, in my effort to give meaning to my life (yes, I’m having a day of questioning, it started last night while sitting in my window overlooking Copenhagen – got a wonderful shot of the view to post later). I’m putting a question to all my readers, LJ users and site visitors alike….

What do I mean to you? What aspect of myself provides something to you? Why do you enjoy reading what comes out of my head?

*For you non-LJers, you may post anonymously, but please sign your post so I know who it’s coming from.

To contextualize this, I’m in the process of evaluating where I am, and where I want to go. Unfortunately, I’m a bit lost, ATM, and feel highly detached from almost everyone around me, including the people I’m supposed to be closest to.

Perception…

It’s kinda funny that this whole thing comes up today, after spending the evening speaking with my Scotsman on the topic. Particularly in regards to the upcoming election and why some people are so put off by his manner of argument. Our society doesn’t want the actual facts, they want the perception of those facts. In the case of it being brought up this morning, it’s not the perception that something wrong was done, it’s the fact that something wrong was actually done. And everyone called it. So what is the solution? An offered perception of an apology, in the future. Which, of course, nullifies any meaning of sincerity in the future (of course, one could get away with it in our ADD society, as it will be forgotten – like the bailout bill will be, come election for the rest of the dumbasses that voted for it).

I bring this up here, because it’s a personal issue of mine, and I don’t want to muck up a discussion board with the subject. Fact is, it won’t be a sincere apology, and it will be, yet another, brick in the wall of feigned apologies going up around the person, because this person does not want to accept full resposibility for the consequences of his actions. This time, last year, I wrote out my list of people I had issues with, and people who were “on probation” with me. Well, year is almost up, and there’s a few days left. Some relationships are being torched, and this will be one of them. If I’m going to run in a circle, it’s going to be because I’m dancing, running on a track, or driving a speed course. It will not be, because someone wants to play a game with me. And that is all this is. From here on out, all interaction will be ignored, that includes all future postings, chatroom postings and public interactions (which, hopefully, won’t exist because of the last issue that pissed me off – and yes, it did piss me off, so congrats).

In the end, B, I no longer call you my friend, and I will not act as such, ever.

Down the rabbit hole we go…

Nothing says “teh suck” like living through the plauge and now having insomnia.  I have a lot of crap going through my head, job-related, but as normal mostly home related.  I’m not going to try and explain my attachment to my roommate, as even I can’t define it for myself.  My ex seemed to be under the impression that everything dealt with my desire to be with him – as in “a couple”.  However, that doesn’t even touch it, as I readily admit that the attachment (like almost all of my other attachments) has nothing to do with sex – as my ex seemed to think.  montieth and I have been through a lot together, he has helped me grow in so many ways, I can’t even begin to list them.  Normally, in cases of the teacher/student, the student would be ready to go out into the world and either become a teacher, or find a new one to take them to the next level.  This is vastly different. as I think there is a much deeper bond, least on my end, than the student/teacher bond.

So, needless to say, any ripple that echoes through the relationship, that brings some sort of change, brings me a lot of pain.  I don’t expect the friends of his, who don’t know me, to understand this.  I can’t say I appreciate some of the crap they’ve spewed to him, in regards to this, but to each their own.  But this is the source of my constant state of depression.  Knowing that my foundation is crumbling apart and that I have to fix it.

The one we’ve come up with, is for me to move out.  Well, not my ideal fix, but it will definitely fix the problem.  Unfortunately, it creates a new problem – namely, it further removes me from the outside world.  Of all the people that I can honestly say I know, I know myself.  I know, that if I move into my own place, I will shut myself away, stay on my side of town and those who see me less will see me even fewer times.  I’ve managed to keep up with most people, through here, but they will lose their connection to me, as I’m already writing less and less, as the days go by and after a move out, will probably cease writing here completely, for a while.  I’m trying to wrap my head around everything, so that, when the day comes I can be better prepared.  But how do you wrap your brain and psyche around completely losing the person you gave your soul to?  I know there are people out there, who will never be able to understand what I mean by this, given my relationship philosophies and how I view love and intimacy.  But, I did.  montieth is the only person I’ve allowed all the way in.  He’s the one that sees the darkest sides of me, up close and personal and sees the tormented hell that I actually exist in.  How do you rearrange your being, to know that the person you allow that to, wants to cast you as far away as possible?

I know there’s a cotton candy way to couch all of this, but that doesn’t change the basis reality of the whole situation.  Because I let him all the way in, it’s become a liability for him and because it’s a liability, I have to go.  That realization hurts me, because I know he doesn’t feel the same way.  Least, it’s not felt as deeply.  Normally, it’s something I can accept and be comfy with, but for some reason this is not one of those times…. 

Not that I support Planned Parenthood to begin with, but this is even more reason for me to not do so…

Judge blocks State law, regulating Abortion clinics as outpatient surgical centers, from taking effect

I can understand the rational behind the whole “slippery slope” argument on this one, but wasn’t the point of making abortion legal so that women could have access to offices that would be sterile and relatively safe in regards to the woman’s health, and not some back alleyway? I’m sorry, but an abortion is a medical procedure, and as such, should be viewed and the premises, upon which it is performed, should be maintained under the same standards as any outpatient surgical clinic. How is this a hard concept to grasp? Anyone?

Scorpio for this week:
FreeWill Astrology

Most people hate to feel lost. It can be scary not to know where you are, to wander aimlessly with no sense of direction. But I’d like to propose that in a few rare situations, being lost is a good thing. Such is the case right now, Scorpio. You don’t know your destination, you’ve lost your map, and you’re not even sure where you came from–all of which sets you up perfectly to stumble upon a rich discovery you would have never found otherwise. I suggest that you relax completely into the unmoored, floating feeling. The paradoxical truth is that the best strategy for finding your way out of the fog is to enjoy the fog.

Hrm, never been comfy with doing that, least not in regards to life. I like to have my feet grounded, even if my head is in the clouds. Hence the struggle to get back into a routine….speaking of, I’m sore as hell and my body is gonna hate me tomorrow. Oh well, holding steady at 117lbs now, and the body hasn’t tried to revolt against being at such a low weight. I’m also getting back on track with my eating habits, now to work on that whole sleep thing.