There are a few interesting threads going on one of the Heavy Metal boards I’m on, mostly regarding weight management and personal attraction. So far, it’s pretty interesting, there hasn’t been much in the realm of mudslinging. For the most part, I haven’t really be taking part in it, because, well, I’m a scrawny little thing, so my opinion doesn’t carry much weight.

I can’t speak on the attraction level, because I don’t have a specific body type I go after, it’s more about whether or not the person is happy with themselves and takes care to maintain a healthy lifestyle. However, there were some points that were brought up that are important. There is a point where physical health declines, though it is not the same for everyone, nor can someone point to where that line is on each person. I think that being able to maintain a healthy mentality and outlook greatly affects how the body reacts and lives with the changes that are going on within. When mental health is compromised, by either depression or denial of happiness, the body is going to follow in its own deteriation and complicate the issue further. One of the reasons why physical exertion is favoured, is because of the “feel good” chemicals that are secreted within the brain during and after activity. It allows for the slight “high” that brings about the feeling of happiness after a good walk, run or general enjoyment from being active. The downfall, is when the goal of exercise is to create a physical change, and the mental determination and strength isn’t prepared for the long-haul. The outlook, in this case, needs to be with gradual change and things built-in to reinforce the step goals for the individual and the realization that the body will gradually work itself into the existence that is healthy and works for the body. So staying open to that fact is very important and keeping the positive outlook is the main step towards being happy within one’s self.

Next stop, cultivating inner happiness.

I’m a keeper of secrets. I hold the trust keys of friends, as the safety box for their soul. It takes a toll sometimes, but it brings me happiness to be able to look at my friends, and know more about them because I can see how they tick, I can explore them and myself, finding amazing things to appreciate and respect about those who call me a friend.

I also keep secrets that some don’t know I know. My training gives me the chance to see deeper, past daily actions, seeing the unsaid. The motivations remain theirs, but the existence is still held by me.

These things are held tight, by me. If one wonders, I send them away to the one they asked about. Nothing given.

My only issue is when I know I need to step-in and assist. It’s a roadblock sometimes, other times it’s a brick wall. Explaining the issue to those I trust becomes complicated, not giving a full explanation, trying to rationalize my own feelings and thoughts on the situation. This is the side-effect of what I am, I’m learning to live with it, and learning to let go when I have to, regardless the pain. My Dad always said I was trying to save the world, I’m finally learning that it’s too big for me, but at least I’m trying to live in it now.

Taking a break from my conference. The first two sessions were awesome, both were about sexual energy, channeling and directing. The first one, was mainly about developing the internal arousal within the self, I think quite a few of the exercises will benefit me in the long-term. The second one was a combo of Thai Yoga, Tantra Yoga, and Yoga in general. It was awesome. We started out with simple ugai breathwork, then coupled it with nested Namaste. Honestly, this is the first time I’ve merged with someone, and a complete stranger, nonetheless. Just amazing to have that feeling for the first time, feeling the body melt away and become just a ball of energy. My partner for the time had the same experience, it was awesome. I’m going to skip the next session and hit the last two for the evening, one is the follow-up to the Yogawork. I definitely feel that this was a good thing for me to come to now. If anything, it’ll give me the tools to break out of my shell a bit more. Slight piece by piece breaking down and crumbling away. I’m starting to feel like my old self again, only better. And it gives me another avenue of exploration, in regards to the classwork I’ve been wanting to develop, so walkingbear, we might have something to talk about for a Border’s night – or a Guinness night, given the topic.

There is something that is slightly out of the ordinary about being home. See, my parents have lived in this house since I was about 8, so most of my life (excluding college and on) was spent here. The bed I’m sleeping in, tonight, is the bed I’ve had since I was 4. On the closet door, are the height marks to measure my growth, starting at age 8. In both beroom closets is the crap that I’ve managed to accumulate since day one. My first and second pair of figure skates, first pair of hockey skates, etc. etc. Today, first thing I did was drag out my athletic awards box. I’ve got my basketball, volleyball and soccer trophies in it. Just odd, digging through this box and seeing every single achievement I’ve made. Texas Academic Achievement awards, Blue Ribbon scholar awards for languages and science, Language Olympic awards for French and German, and every single ribbon from gymnastics – labelled with event, score, date and level. Including the ones from Illinois. The good part, is that my mum has never had time to go through any of these boxes to find my journals. They are now back in my possession, to be burned at home. Years of my life that no longer exist in anything but memories. It’s strange now. My brother and I, relegated to bookshelves and locked closests. Although, it is funny to look up at the bookshelf in here, and see the buttons of me and my brother, a baseball picture when I was 7, soccer picture when I was 5, and my brother on ice – age 13. Wow. It’s strange what my mum has left up. The lightswitch is still the teddy bear plate I painted when I was 6, the surprised expression of someone flipping its belly still on the face. And my psycho-goth wallpaper, in the office, black background with gold, platinum and silver glitter splatter-painted across the vinyl. As much as she hated putting that paper in there, I don’t think she’ll ever take it down. In fact, she’s bough dark-wooded dressers and nighttables to match the tone. I think I imprinted on her.

Today was pretty uneventful, regardless how busy it was. AFB now has a reason to laugh at me, and I gave him permission. MM feels I have disappointed him, in that I have found an interest in a Zoomie, as my Scotsman lovingly refers to him, and not a Devil Dog. So fun, all around. I’m gonna miss these people. Damn it.

Tomorrow is movie night with WT. Gonna watch DodgeBall and he’s going to do the “Tonto get on it” dance for me. Have I mentioned how much I love that man? Verra cool person. And we’re going to stuff ourselves with pizza and chicken wings. Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.