growth

Belated horrorscope

Scorpio (October 23-November 21):

Everyone’s life is a hero’s journey, yours included. You have been on an epic quest ever since you first realized that your destiny is unlike anyone else’s, and that you have specific tasks to master as you pursue the long-term dreams that are uniquely meaningful to you. But like all the rest of us, you sometimes lose sight of this big-picture view for months at a time. You may even be fairly happy as you focus on your daily details without any thought of where your you’ll be years from now. If that’s the rhythm you’ve been in lately, Scorpio — and I suspect it is — it’s about to change. Your immersion in the next major phase of your hero’s journey will begin soon.

FreeWill Astrology

Well, that might explain a few things, but I’d really like to talk to my Elder about things so I can at least get an idea. Hopefully, Autumnfest will provide a bit of time for that. If not, I’ll at least have someone else there to bounce ideas off of.

That said, been doing good on meditating, still need to sit down sometime this week and do some internal work. Also, I really loved hanging out at Johnnie McCracken’s last night. So, methinks I might be hanging there some more. If any of you are interested in a weekly or bi-monthly hang-out, please let me know and I will post when I will be there.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21):

The guy who gave his name to North and South America was a pickle salesman and writer as well as an explorer. After a stint in Spain selling his vitamin C-rich pickles to outbound ships, Amerigo Vespucci got to travel to the New World in 1499 and 1502. The stories he penned about his adventures there were highly imaginative, like his description of giant native women with huge breasts who employed poisonous fluids extracted from insects to super-size their husbands’ penises. I nominate Amerigo to be your role model in the coming weeks, Scorpio. May you, too, do what comes natural and be your funky self in ways that lead to glory and renown. (My source for the info about Amerigo is Tony Horwitz’s book A Voyage Long and Strange: Rediscovering the New World.)

FreeWill Astrology

Yeah, I’ve been doing a good deal of venting, confessing, connection severing, etc etc. For some dumb reason, I’ve acquired some new iron fillings and it’s time to get the magnet out to get rid of them. My sister, every time I see her, asks me how I’m doing, tells me I’m doing a wonderful job and the elevation is a tough time. It is, but she also says it makes you learn who you are, and I’m finally starting to get some clarity on that. Just need to talk things over with my elder or my brother, take my little sister camping for a girls night out and decide on the course of action for the next 10 years (gods that sounds weird to say). But yes, Mr. Brezsny, I do need to do what comes natural to me. If I don’t, I stagnate and cease to grow. Now to just get the universe to quit throwing these stupid challenges that cause me to revert.

In the world of fighting…

I broke down today and left the mat without permission. I cracked miserably, mainly, as normal, from all the crap that is going on around me, but also because I’m getting frustrated because I don’t feel I’m getting anything out of my training. As I decided to suck it up, wipe my eyes and head back in, my instructor walked out the door and asked me what was wrong. I broke down in tears. I think that’s the first time he’s ever seen me cry, even with the weak smile from him mimicking me – in the stance my family refers to as “mmmmmmmmad”. We had a long talk about what was lacking in my game, and how we need to work on creating one that is made up of all the moves that work best for me. He also made a point of telling me about everything I was doing right, and how he’s watched lower belts beating the crap out of Kyria Gracie and the current world champion Ana-Laura (both well earned black belts on our team). He commended me for showing up to work technique, through all my injuries, and the fact that I’m not as schitzo on the mat as I used to be. I know what he’s saying, but I’m still frustrated with it all. I know I have good defense, I just get tired of constantly being on the bottom with bigger people. I’m tired of staying in one place, and it pisses me off and puts me in the mindset that gets me injured.

I’m ohhhhhhh soooooooo goth. :/

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

In ancient Egypt, wealthy people adorned their pet crocodiles with gold bracelets, amulets, and other jewelry. Let’s use that as a metaphor for you in the coming week. What is the most beastly and dangerous part of your psyche, and how might you beautify it? What steps could you take to civilize or ennoble your reptilian brain? Are there any ways you could make the crocodilian aspect of yourself look less scary and more inviting?

FreeWill Astrology

Oh, my dear Mr. Brehzny, you are behind….again. I say this, because yesterday I started dancing while fighting, the Scorpion has learned to take her art to the Castle Ball. I jumped, spun, pirouette(d) around my training partner and led her into every step that she was supposed to make. I made a Capioera master smile….before he choked me out. It was beautiful.

For those of you who read my Scotsman’s journal, you know that yesterday, a law allowing those with a GFL/CCW can now carry in restaurants and on MARTA went into effect (his post with linkage and background info on the law. While I know there are some on this list who are deadset against guns, and more than likely it means friendships will be set aside as a result (though, for the few who I know don’t like them in their house, I retain that respect for your personal/sacred space), I’ll be getting my sidearm here shortly.

Why? Well, as much as I am a completely badass ass kicker, my training – as well as several of my training partners – has also allowed me the reality, that even with that, I can still get my ass handed to me by anyone determined to harm my life, or take something from me. The current social patterns have shown, that giving a criminal what they want, does not always mean they will stop there…especially if they have a weapon of any sort pulled on you.

I mention some of my training partners, because one is a big woman, and not just in weight – also in height and general size. She’s not, what could be called a sissy girl, but having seen her thrown around, I know that it wouldn’t matter my size. Strength, regardless, will ALWAYS be my weakness, and even moreso when I am injured. I’m sorry, but modern feminism aside, there is always going to be a physiological difference between men and women. And when it comes to a physical test of strength, particularly with a size disparity, a woman will lose. Sure, add our brain smarts in, and our dirty little tricks that we’re perfectly capable of throwing out there, and we’ve got a fighting chance. But I would much rather have an additional tool my toolbox, then have to hope to the high heavens that I won’t have something dislocated, broken, be knocked out or killed during the course of preventing a crime against me, or the attempt at taking my life.

In my opinion, when someone pulls a weapon on me, they are telling me that my life is worth less than what they want from me. At that point, they place their own worth as less than I place my own worth. And if that means I have to kill them to survive, so be it. Does this mean I advocate everyone carry? No. If you’re not willing to use the weapon you carry, you increase the chance that it will be used against you. But I can tell you right now, if I see anything happening to you, I will do my best to make sure that you are alive when all is said and done.

the story that convinced me

This is how much I’ve been slacking…

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) 

How well are you capitalizing on this year’s unique opportunities, Scorpio? Now that we’re halfway through 2008, let’s take an inventory. One of the most important things you’re doing, I hope, is increasing your effectiveness as a communicator. What do I mean by that? While it’s true that you Scorpios gather information more skillfully than any other sign, you aren’t necessarily as blessed when it comes to sharing information. In part that’s because you believe that keeping secrets enhances your personal power. And in part it’s because you sometimes forget that other people aren’t as clued in to what’s happening below the surface as you are. Your mandate in the coming months is to overcome those challenges as you learn to express yourself with ever-greater candor and clarity and clout.

 

FreeWill Astrology

Well, it’s definitely something I’m working on, with my blood family, spiritual family, work and partner.  Mostly, learning to communicate with myself as well.  I’m amazed at how much I’ve fallen away from that, and how badly I’ve been at communicating.  Oh yeah, and I haven’t been writing here as much either, mostly from lack of ability, but also from lacking desire to open up.  But it will clear, one of these days I’ll have something of meaning to say.

 It’s been nice, the library section of the apartment is coming along nicely and it’s starting to look more like someone lives there.  My Scotsman and I are moving the bed tomorrow, so I can stop sleeping on the couch.  My habits are not coming along as fast as I’d like.  They’ve been derailed by season catch-ups of Lost, the move, visiting the parents and other schedule issues.  The positive, I’m taking better care of myself, except for eating.  I have gotten a nice break from training and I’m at the point where I can start to work back into it (once I get that whole “waking up in the morning” thing back on track).  I’ve also figured out one minor glitch in my personality.  I’ve lost the ability to make necessary decisions and stick with them.  I spent the better part of a massage on Tuesday, going over whether or not I was going to make a Target trip that night, or the next morning, and if so, to which Target I was going to go.  I did the same thing earlier in the day, with Whole Foods.  So, now that I had succeeded in getting to Target that night, I have two dry erase boards.  The one on my bathroom mirror states:  “Today, I will not flip flop.  I will make a decision and I will follow through.”  Or, something to that effect.  So that is going to be personality habit #1 that I need to change.  

I already have the kitchen habits set, so I’m good to go there.  My eating habits I’m trying to improve on, as with the change in temperature, it takes longer for my stomach to be ready to eat.  Which means, I’ve been having smaller breakfasts and getting hungry faster at work (my stomach is currently growling, and I have another 1.5 hours before lunch).  And that brings me to another issue…..snacks.  I have them at my house, but they never manage to make it with me to work.  Must change that, ASAP.

Think once I have the bulk of the apartment set-up, and I can get my sleeping schedule back on track, I’ll be in a much better spot to start implementing my other habits.  As I told a trainer who was trying to schedule an early appointment with me…that will be fine, once I can get into the habit of waking up at 7.30 again, instead of 10.  My body has just been exhausted, and since I only have 2 more episodes of Lost left, I won’t be going ape-shit about trying to watch half a season after 8.30PM.  😀

Down the rabbit hole we go…

Nothing says “teh suck” like living through the plauge and now having insomnia.  I have a lot of crap going through my head, job-related, but as normal mostly home related.  I’m not going to try and explain my attachment to my roommate, as even I can’t define it for myself.  My ex seemed to be under the impression that everything dealt with my desire to be with him – as in “a couple”.  However, that doesn’t even touch it, as I readily admit that the attachment (like almost all of my other attachments) has nothing to do with sex – as my ex seemed to think.  montieth and I have been through a lot together, he has helped me grow in so many ways, I can’t even begin to list them.  Normally, in cases of the teacher/student, the student would be ready to go out into the world and either become a teacher, or find a new one to take them to the next level.  This is vastly different. as I think there is a much deeper bond, least on my end, than the student/teacher bond.

So, needless to say, any ripple that echoes through the relationship, that brings some sort of change, brings me a lot of pain.  I don’t expect the friends of his, who don’t know me, to understand this.  I can’t say I appreciate some of the crap they’ve spewed to him, in regards to this, but to each their own.  But this is the source of my constant state of depression.  Knowing that my foundation is crumbling apart and that I have to fix it.

The one we’ve come up with, is for me to move out.  Well, not my ideal fix, but it will definitely fix the problem.  Unfortunately, it creates a new problem – namely, it further removes me from the outside world.  Of all the people that I can honestly say I know, I know myself.  I know, that if I move into my own place, I will shut myself away, stay on my side of town and those who see me less will see me even fewer times.  I’ve managed to keep up with most people, through here, but they will lose their connection to me, as I’m already writing less and less, as the days go by and after a move out, will probably cease writing here completely, for a while.  I’m trying to wrap my head around everything, so that, when the day comes I can be better prepared.  But how do you wrap your brain and psyche around completely losing the person you gave your soul to?  I know there are people out there, who will never be able to understand what I mean by this, given my relationship philosophies and how I view love and intimacy.  But, I did.  montieth is the only person I’ve allowed all the way in.  He’s the one that sees the darkest sides of me, up close and personal and sees the tormented hell that I actually exist in.  How do you rearrange your being, to know that the person you allow that to, wants to cast you as far away as possible?

I know there’s a cotton candy way to couch all of this, but that doesn’t change the basis reality of the whole situation.  Because I let him all the way in, it’s become a liability for him and because it’s a liability, I have to go.  That realization hurts me, because I know he doesn’t feel the same way.  Least, it’s not felt as deeply.  Normally, it’s something I can accept and be comfy with, but for some reason this is not one of those times…. 

I’m sitting here, at home. Wishing I knew if I was contagious or not, because I’d much rather be watching a seminar with my teammates at our sister gym, then sitting around, and letting my mind wander into the “I’m not wanted around here anymore” territory. Half of me just wants to pack everything up and leave, the other half just no longer gives a shit and wants to wallow in misery. If anything, being sick has proven to me, how much I have let things go, I feel more like a dog in this house, than anything. Though, I think a dog would get more credit in going to fetch things, than I have. But hey, I guess I could just consider this payback on all those “taken for granted” conversations and leave it at that, call things even and be done with it all.

But reality sinks in, and that dark hole swallows me, making me realize, that if I do leave, I will be gone. I admit on a daily basis, how I’ve thrown away all my friends here. Not purposely, just in that lives get busy, and that’s the way things go sometimes. When I started this year, my goal was to put together my list of friends that I wanted to spend, at least, once a month with – playing catch-up – and I haven’t done it yet. So far, I’ve only managed to get out to ZA once, where I inadvertently insulted thegreyman‘s gf (I really wasn’t meaning that, since I consider what was being described as being psycho, not insane – but that’s beside the point). And ended up sitting next to someone I can’t stand, professionally or personally. :-/

I’m trying to get myself to a better place, mentally, restructure my support group, so I can move on and follow my dreams. I’m not doing so hot, but only because I don’t stop to smell the roses more. I think I’m going to do that after Pan-ams. Been talking about taking some time off of competitions, maybe after this tournament season, so I’m not constantly training for one, or spending money on them. I’m not burned out, yet, but my soul is gasping for air.

Anyway, for those of you, who I have expressed interest in having lunch, dinner, brunch, coffee, etc, please respond with days that are good for you, in the next coming months (all comments are screened). I know it sucks to “schedule” crap, and I hate it, but if I don’t I’ll overbook myself. My goal is to make it out to brunch at least once a month, when my schedule permits, I’ll post when I will be there. Thanks to this illness, I’ve promised my Sundays to the office, but that doesn’t guarantee I will have clients. I want to go tomorrow, but I have no clue exactly how contagious I still am (which is the whole reason I’m still home right now).

Also, any girls up for a girls night in? Or something? I’ve fallen by the wayside in taking physical care of myself (meaning, shaving, facial care, nails, etc) and it really doesn’t help my mental stability.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

You’re pretty smart, Scorpio, but would you like to become even smarter in 2008? It’s quite possible that you will get more skilled at managing and solving your personal problems. You may also become a better judge of character and develop a brilliant knack for knowing what’s good for you. There’s one main thing you have to do in order to ensure that you will fully activate these potentials: Become more generous. Here’s your thought for the year, courtesy of Eleanor Roosevelt: “The giving of love is an education it itself.”

FreeWill Astrology

While this seems to be the theme for my 30s, I’m not going to argue it. However, the concept as it stands is a murky one, given that I want to step back in to the limelight, but I can not do that encumbered as I currently am. I must shed some more skin and sever some more ties, so that they may be re-created.

I talked with my grove brother tonight, and it did reveal a few things that I was sure was what was going on. It does give me reason to look up again and smile at the sun. I spent today, mostly, away from everyone, turning my phone off and only answering what was necessary. I think I am going to continue the trend through the weekend, to give myself the necessary space to recover. I’m also going to start writing one of my love letters. I believe it is time for that one, as my heart is in the right place to do so.