Randomness…

This week has actually been pretty good. I’ve had plenty of downtime to reflect on this last weekend, and some of the issues that have come up. And interesting side effect is that my throat chakra is blocked again. OH YAY! So, not sure what else is in there, but I have plenty of time to self-reflect.

Wednesday, I picked up Sven – a classmate’s pug puppy. Been a useful disruption to the household and has been a source of amusement for all – even the cats. They’ve started coming out and being somewhat social, even though they’re standoffish. Lexus, Elan and Pneus have taken to coming into the bedroom to sniff around. Sven isn’t sure what to make of them, but he’s taking his licks pretty well. Even managed to annoy one of my neighbors yesterday at 9am. Bonus points!! I just hope it was the downstairs neighbor, whose puppy was overly whiny when she wasn’t home (but I mainly wish for the 10-3am conversations around the bong during summers when my doors were open, when I had 7am wake-up times).

For turkey day, I picked up some prepped chicken from WF, along with some taters and some really tasty decaf coffee (but will get to that later). Defrosted the croissant dough and went to work. I made myself a wonderful meal and am quite proud of it. Homemade mashed taters FTW! Now, decaf….wonderful taste, no jitters or sweats! I’m totally thrilled, now to just save up to buy a smidge at a time. Going to try out the WM decaf, too. I just wish that the Atlanta court system could have gotten its ass in order so that I could have gone home, instead. Oh well, working on Christmas, instead. 🙂

So, this afternoon and tomorrow for work, then off to see the Muppets with some classmates. Sunday, gonna restart the yoga program and take a super low day. Ease into it and finish off with a yoga class in the afternoon. I need to quit sitting on the bed. It’s driving me and my back nuts. But, I have stuff to do at the office now, and since I have internet, it’s even better!!

Released….

I had a release today on the way to work. I felt it coming a mile away, finally. I still have some more and had mini-ones this afternoon. That said…

I really hate you right now. I really, really do. You spent the whole time we were together trying to “teach” me to hold things in. You strangled me in a worse way than physically putting your hands around my throat. I couldn’t write anything here because I was too worried about what you would think, what you would assume and having to explain myself. You tried to make me into some weak woman, who had to depend on you – because you NEEDED to be needed. Then, the one time I really needed you. The one chance you really had to protect me. You ran away. You shut me out and left me on my own to take care of myself. You lied to me. You told me a flat face lied and you knew it was a lie. I trusted you with the deepest part of me and you ran away. There is nothing that can make up for that. And I really wish there was, because now I have to deal with the fallout within myself. The trust issues I have, with myself. I question my feelings, I fight with myself just to even feel something.

I was rebuilding myself from the previous physical restrictions. You knew this, you knew my history!

Because of that. You are an asshole. You are just like those other guys. But you know what? They’re better. They’re better because they’re up front about who and what they are. They don’t hide behind a mask or a costume. I told you once that hell is paved with good intentions, and I hope you wear your wool sweaters, because I do not want, or need, anything from you. Ever again.

I hate that I had to learn this lesson, twice. But at least I’m in a better place. I’m glad you kicked me out. I have the best life I could think of now. No lies, no hands on my throat, and no one using me as a project. Just the people who love me, and love everything about me. Including my faults.

Wandering down the rabbit hole….again….

This is mainly just to remind me to write about this. But I had an amazing experience with Rounding this weekend and have lots of introspection to write about. Unfortunately, it’s not all in verbalized forms yet.

The parts that are:
My daddy issues are not with my actual father. We have been repairing our relationship for quite some time, and given the point when my injuries occurred and flare-ups happen – it never happens with my father, just with males who have taken, or attempted to take, an over-whelming patriarchal position in my life.

I have not taken adequate time to mourn for those I’ve lost in my life. Doug, David F., Don, my Uncle – I’ve internalized much of my sadness because I never felt that I was in a safe place to cry over their passing. I honestly think that is the source of my lone tears that appear for no reason.

I am in the presence of some amazing people. Some I am just opening up to, and others who naturally knew me, I am lucky as hell right now and hope to keep it up.

Home sick, sick of home…

So, the weekend brought the discovery that my entertainment set-up was making the mantle fall off the wall. It’s good, because I wanted to remove it and didn’t know how. Bad, because it would have been nice to keep the technology out of the bedroom. I despise technology in the bedroom with a passion that beats out that thousand sun saying. The positive, is that my bedroom is getting cleaner and more organized. I’m also finding that I focus on this room more and not the 100 other things that need to be done in the rest of the living space. That means that one bookshelf has been completely cleaned off and is prepped to head to the office, one alter has been created/restored, and I’ve actually been relaxing. The downside….I’ve spent waaaaaaaay too much time in my bedroom. I’ve got cabin fever at this point, so I’m setting up my remote speakers, so I can listen to my podcasts and music in the living room.

I’m also tired of being on my own. I look forward to YTT weekends just so I can be around people and in the company of people (they’re super awesome to begin with). My neighbor and I are going to start doing dinner out once a week, because she’s kinda in the same boat and just wanting to be social. I realize I’ve pretty much done this to myself, but hey, not much one can do when social events are held on the other side of town from where I live. I’m going to keep doing burger Thursdays at NRT, and will post to my FB for those who are interested, sometimes it will be earlier than others, depending on what my Thursdays looks like.

Yoga is coming along, I figure about 2-3 more test run-throughs and I’ll pass. Still having difficulty in getting the practice going, the lack of homework is nice, because I can do what I want and create my own routines. I think I’m just going to separate out the homework and my practice, the only problem is finding the time for both. But hey, wide open schedule = plenty of time. I just need to stop being LAZY!!

Horrorscopes

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

You could preside over your very own Joy Luck Club in the coming days. According to my reading of the astrological omens, the levels of gratification possible could exceed your normal quota by a substantial margin. You may want to Google the Chinese character that means “double happiness” and use it as your ruling symbol. And it might be time to explore and experiment with the concepts of “super bliss,” “sublime delight,” and “brilliant ecstasy.” Halloween costume suggestions: a saintly hedonist from paradise; a superhero whose superpower is the ability to experience extreme amounts of pleasure; the luckiest person who ever lived.

FreeWill Astrology

Well, waking up laughing, compliments of my friends H&D from down under definitely helped. I’m honestly feeling a bit divided, because my life, on paper sucks ass right now. But emotionally, I’m in a really good place. I woke up laughing and smiling, Lexus is finally hanging out with me again, my shoulders aren’t killing me, and I feel hopeful. Maybe it’s the thought of the new year turning on Monday, and a new year for me on Thursday. Had a great conversation with my Mum this afternoon and gave her an explanation on why I spend birthday money on bills and whatnot. Security is more important to me than shiny gifties, and having that makes me feel happy, which is what she wants. So she is now happy because I will be more secure. I have a clean house, well, semi right now. And I’ve been helping some friends out as I can. Have also been getting lots of nuzzles from Lexus and spending some time being a bit extravagant on my dinners. I’m also confident that my over-spending yesterday will put me in a better place in the future, as it will hopefully bring better traffic to my office. My fingers are crossed.

I hope this happy wave is much longer than the depression I’ve been going through.

Mulahadhara work

So I was having an argument in my head with one of my clients, for some reason, this is my means of working out issues. Little did I know what was going to come up.

We were talking about a recent issue, namely my failures, that resulted in her being left by the wayside. As the argument progressed, I realized what one of my abso-huge major issues is…well, not really, I’ve known this for a while, and have vaguely put it into words here.

Every day, I am setting myself aside and asking others “What can I do for you?” “How can I help you?” It always ends in “you”. I never ask, “What can I do for myself?” “How can I help me?” And the rare times that I do, I end up on my ass at home doing nothing – which of late, includes my asanas. It’s been a long time (Pastry visits not included), since someone really said, “FC, what can I do for you? Really, just name it.” And it came from the heart.

I am my own housekeeper, schedule keeper (not including my asbso-fab former asst), shopper, boss, employee, friend, chauffeur, banker, you name it, I’m it. But I’m not my own caretaker. Least, not in a way that allows me to really, truly relax. It’s partly a trust issue, repeatedly being dropped on my head by people who were allowed in, has kinda made that door the envy of Alice in Wonderland. And it’s caused me to slack off in that regard as well. Saying I’ll do things and then take forever to get them done. I’m trying to work on the latter, but the former is going to take a bulldozer and a wrecking ball.

I need to get over it, and do that whole bootstraps bullshit. But quite honestly, I’d love to throw the bootstraps away, or flog whoever came up with that idea with them. If I had the money, I’d pay someone to make me tomato soup with a grilled cheese, so I can curl up all day in bed.

6 more months.

The wonderful wheels of justice…

So, my arraignment has been post-poned. Why? Because the judge is on vacation. So, by the time I actually enter a plea, it will have been over a month since being charged.

Absolute bullshit. There is no reason for a judge to have had cases applied to her docket, when she’s on vacation. Something in Atlanta is thoroughly screwed up and it’s higher up than the judge’s schedule keeper, methinks.

Bonus points…

Pastry’s visa was approved today, he’ll receive his passport and everything back in December, so that’s on track for an March/April/May move.

Therapist sick today, so I have to cover, but he can’t cover my client tomorrow while I’m in yoga class. Sent email with suggested make-up plan, but he’s on a plane so won’t have confirmation on it till later. Positive, is that the universe might be nice to me today.

Still need to do my self-evaluation homework, should have time to write it out today, or at least some of it. Real test, will be if I can wake my ass up at 6.30 tomorrow and be in class on time.

Still fearful of Tuesday, but still confident having re-looked at the regulations and know that I fall under the exception clause.

Almost caught up on bills. Gas company approved me for prorated billing, so my fixed bills are around $845 a month and given re-evaluations might go down further as I ditch non-essentials, again.

I’m getting there, slowly and with the occasional set-back. But I’m getting there.